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"But as you'll recall from Cronabe's last jaunt through the mansion, the dishwasher dude is a spy. Not a very good one, though. 'Don't worry. I wasn't snooping around or anything...Really!' he insists, like Squall trying to swear that he loves the ladies."
     -Jeanne, Chrono Cross Part 5

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Legend of Dragoon : Part 7
By Kelly
Posted 05.26.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
I know it's been a while since we last heard the thrilling tale of Red Cloud and his Serdian Homies, but bear with me as this recap gets out of the gate. As you'll remember from last time, our insipid heroes were on their way deep into the Nest of the Dragon to meet up with Feyrbrand, the Moron Mantis his own self. On the way, Red Cloud completely fucked up an entire battalion's noble death scene by ridding the place of its valuables (apparently, Sk8r Boi hasn't heard of Probate Court), we met up with Mother Claw, kicked her ass, and then ripped up a Firebird, to its mulleted owner's screaming fury. Along the way we were subjected to many, many Shana moments of girly helplessness, uselessness and all around delicacy, while your writer threw things at her television with a craptastic but physiologically accurate fastball pitch. So, now all that remains is the obligatory boss fight with Feyrbrand, but wait, there's more! It seems there's someone with him. Don't tell me you didn't see this coming at you faster than the Lance of Slambert. Man, that last sentence sounds utterly disgusting even if I do say so myself.

As Red Cloud, Sergeant Pepper, Shana and Rose approach the inner sanctum of Ferybrand's Nest, Sweet Nest, someone's waiting on them. Red Cloud wonders who it is, but Mr. Mystery Guest solves that problem by greeting Sergeant Pepper and telling him that it's ironic that he should find ol' Sarge here in the Mantis Hizzouse. I imagine that it's like raaaaiiiaaannnn on your wedding day, Mr. Mystery Guest. Oh, and just a tip from me? You may not want to drink the chardonnay, either. Sarge, after some supreme mental effort, puts two and two together, gets the answer right on the third try and figures out that Mr. Mystery Guest is in fact Greham, his pappy's missing best friend. Red Cloud, who still has trouble with the "write name here" part of the I.Q. test, asks Sergeant Pepper if he knows the guy. Red Cloud, take a minute and think, won't you? Didn't a handy NPC tell you all about this guy in Bale? Oh, that's right, you were too busy scoping out the local merchants to listen to any kind of plot exposition. Well, now you have no one to blame but yourself and the incredibly idiotic writers. Sergeant Pepper goes off on a rant about Greham and his terrible deeds, namely the betrayal of Sergeant Pepper, Sr., which Greham is quite happy to admit. Sirius Black this guy ain't. Sarge goes on to compound Greham's crimes to say that Greham has betrayed everyone in Basil, including poor King Bohunk. Gosh, this guy sure does get a lot done in a short period of time, you've got to give him that. If you calculate the time it would take to befriend each man, woman and child in even a small sized kingdom then systematically gain and destroy their confidence, Greham would be older than Grandma Moses before he got done. He looks pretty healthy for a set of pixels as wizened as he. Why, he's nearly as old as the plotline! Greham, still amused at Sarge's uncharacteristic display of feelings, asks if Sarge wants to kick his ass because of his father or because he is loyal to his country (and, it must be said, his King), and Sarge replies with the typical guy answer of "Both!" Now, now, Sarge, don't be greedy. You can kick someone else's ass to make up for your failures with King Bohunk, I'm sure he won't mind. Greham tells Sergeant Pepper to bring it on, and brags about his new "power." What new power is that Greham? Did you discover that Viagra helps older men with intimacy issues in nine out of ten clinical trials? Did the Geritol finally kick in? Oh, Greham can control a Dragon. Well, whoopdeshit. Even Red Cloud can do that, Gramps.

Rose steps in and comments that behind every idiot dragon there's some other idiot with a shiny. Sure enough, here comes Ferybrand to menace our kids to the best of his limited ability. Rose wants to know where Greham managed to pick up his shiny, since she's suddenly the Committee for Dragoon Artifact Control or something. Greham, never missing the chance to be a stereotypical baddie, tells her that they will know the answer to that before they die. If he shows them a ring, I'm getting the hell out of Dodge, I'll tell you that right now.

Now Greham goes off on a tangent, telling our group that His Grace His Majesty His Reverence The Emperor Doel got all his power and intelligence from Emperor Diaz. Rose scoffs that such a thing is impossible, since Emperor Diaz died 11,000 years ago along with the Holy Imperial Gloriano, whatever the hell that is. Thanks for just randomly inserting more long names for me to keep track of, writers. Rose asks if this whole set-up is some kind of dream. God, I hope not. Greham chortles that they're not dreaming, and now it's time for him and his Dragon to kick their asses. So much for the graceful segue, Mr. Smooth.

Our battle starts off with Greham launching a wind attack against Rose, Red Cloud and Sergeant Pepper. Oh, you thought Shana was somehow going to end up in my fighting party? I'm enough of a useless klutz in real life, thanks, I don't need one in my super-bad Dragon killing posse. Red Cloud takes a swipe at Greham, while Feyrbrand takes a page out of the Jane Goodall fighting manual and launches a glob of atomic shit all over Rose. She shakes it off, then uses her Dragoon attack to take a few hit points off of Greham. For those of you paying attention, yes, I am focusing all my efforts to bring down flyboy ASAP. Besides, watching Red Cloud and Sergeant Pepper fight their way out of radioactive Dragon poop is fun!

Who Flung Poo?

Red Cloud gets knocked out with the next Dragon dropping to come his way, which leaves Greham able to unleash his big attack on Sergeant Pepper. A big stone pillar that ever so slightly resembles a cross comes up behind Sarge and Greham uses his super mind powers to tether him there in the standard Christ-like position. Then Greham launches a few magic spears at Sarge, blowing up the pillar and knocking Sarge ass over teakettle. The foreshadowing here is so subtle, I'm sure the game designers didn't intend it or anything. And in other news, I can now type with my two-foot-long nose! Anyway, back to the thrilling battle. Sarge, big tough soldier that he is, gets up and we go on. Blah, blah Greham attacking, blah, blah Dragon shit, blah, blah Super Sayian Dragoon Power until Greham is out of the equation. Lather, rinse, repeat until the Moron Mantis meets his demise, too. Fortunately, the effort of the battle isn't wasted as we get some way-cool plate mail out of the deal and Red Cloud gets his next Dragoon magic, called "Explosion". There's a sexual joke in there, what with his "Burning Rush" and his "Flame Shot", but I'll be damned if I can make any other comment than "You shouldn't have had that cheap hooker in Bale, Red Cloud."

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