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"Whatever else you can say about them, the game designers for Xenosaga are all about the details--I mean, you can't miss an opportunity to include some phallic imagery in a scene, or all of a sudden you're off message. The message being, of course, 'We love the cock.'"
     -Sam, Xenosaga Part 10




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Final Fantasy X : Part 18
By Jeanne
Posted 11.23.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
In Part 17, our motley band of wankers reached the end of civilization, which is right next to Spira's largest city, and proceeded to talk the Ronsos into letting them climb the sacred mountain. No, that is not a euphemism for sex. We were then treated to a vomit-inducing endorsement of Yuna's amazing strength and perserverence, after which I had to forcibly unroll my eyes from their sockets.

Tightass talks to the last random Ronso dude before proceeding up the mountain. RRD wraps up the entire Kimahri, Hans, and Franz backstory in a nice little package of obnoxious exposition. The whole deal started -- you'll never guess -- ten years ago, when Hans beat the crap out of Kimahri, who refused to admit defeat. Hans, pissed, broke Kimahri's horn. This made Kimahri feel like less of a Ronso, so he left the mountain. I'm trying to avoid further horn/penis comparisons here, but the game designers don't make it very easy for me.

The party proceeds up the path, where, as was atrociously foreshadowed, they encounter Hans and Franz. Tightass whines at them, and Hans explains that their business is with Kimahri. He spouts some crap about Kimahri "forget[ting] his birth". Franz agrees that Kimahri has forgotten his people and his mountain. Wait, what? Okay, I guess leaving due to penis horn loss is a no-no. Whatever.

Hans and Franz repeatedly taunt Kimahri about being tiny and weak until he agrees to fight them. Tightass tries to get in on the hot Ronso-on-Ronso action, but Kimahri forcibly turns him down, of course. Also, there are more shots of Hans' giant unit than you can shake a, um, stick at. The main point here is that Kimahri has to fight both Hans and Franz in order to resolve this storyline.

There are several factors that you would think would work against me. Hans is supposed to be this super badass Ronso warrior (and I'm sure Franz is no slouch either, although he's more Hans' gay lover toady). Not to mention that Kimahri is just a fraction of the way around the sphere grid, second in wussiness only to Tightass. However, despite these issues, this battle is remarkably -- even disappointingly -- easy. And I even spent most of the battle lanceting new abilities and stealing spheres. I mentally revise everything I've heard about Ronso to include the description "completely fucking wussy".

Um, they're behind you, Kimahri.
 

Kimahri winning this pointless and sad battle is supposedly a landmark in Ronso history. Now that he's kicked Hans and Franz's butts, they suddenly want to be his best friends. Hans kisses Kimahri's ass all over the place, and displays his crotch and rear for the camera, to the delight of furries everywhere. Then he starts yelling to the mountain itself, informing it that Kimahri is all that and a bag of chips. Franz agrees that Gagazet will let Kimahri pass, now that he has beaten up one of his fellow Ronsos. Uh, okay.

Hans turns to Yuna and tells her that they'll stop her pursuers as "penance for breaking Kimahri's horn." So...he still has to go through life emasculated, but you'll fight off some dudes. Yeah, that's a fair exchange. After some more buttkissing of Kimahri, Franz informs Yuna that, "Ronso will shine your statue brightest." Yuna starts in with the self-pity, saying that no one will make a statue for her traitorous self. Oh, but the Ronsos will, those nifty guys. "With grand horn on head!" Franz adds. That mental image scares me to my core. Also, will a horned Yuna confuse the sexually frustrated fanboys?

 
Add 'Ronso thong' to the list of things I never needed to see.

As everyone goes their own way, Tightass stands in place, wanking furiously. "I wanted to see Yuna's statue, too. But I wanted to see it...withYunabymyside." Yay for crappy voice actors!

The party doesn't get ten feet before another cut scene occurs. Cripes, just let me go up the mountain already! Hans, now standing on a ledge over to the side, calls Yuna's name. Tightass whines, "What is it this time?" even though Hans is a good guy now. The well-endowed Ronso begins singing the Hymn of the Fayth, along with Franz. I'm sure this is supposed to be all inspiring and stuff, but....well, they just aren't very good. More and more Ronso join in to create a virtual cacophony of suck.

'...naked. With boobies!'
 

Then something magical happens. The looped audio track begins as even more Ronso show up. Suddenly, the Ronso transform into a professionally trained men's choir. The wonders of autotune. Yuna bows to them, and the cut scene is over. The Ronso immediately disappear, because the game designers were too lazy to animate the end of the scene. Beautiful!

A short distance along the windy mountain path, the group finds a pile of rocks with a penisy staff stuck in it. As Lulu explains, these are the gravesites of summoners and guardians who didn't do enough leveling or pack enough potions. Yuna, of course, bows to the grave, and that's the end of that downer scene.

I can describe the rest of the journey up Mt. Gagazet in one simple phrase: twisty path with snow. Honestly, it's like the game designers reused Macalania Forest, with a different background and a white covering. Some of you just took that in a dirty way, didn't you? God damn perverts. The path is, of course, littered with palette-swapped fiends. They piss me off. During one of the battles, Auron makes a comment about how nothing has changed since he was there ten years ago. Given that Kimahri said that nothing has changed for the past 1000 years, that should be a bit of a no-brainer for Auron. Maybe Tightass's idiocy is rubbing off on him. And I don't mean it like that.

There are a few things of note along the way. First is another hidden sphere, this one of Braska. In it, he addresses Yuna. Since the sphere was randomly lying around a concealed corner on the mountain, it's lucky for Braska that Yuna actually found it. Convenient, actually.

The sphere consists of Braska blathering away about sappy crap. First, he creepily tells Yuna that she must be as beautiful as her mother and he'd like to see her. Uh...yeah. I'm so sure that Braska is all about the chicks, since he's in the wilderness with two studly guys. Speaking of which, Braska sends their regards to Yuna. According to him, their pilgrimage has been "very entertaining." Uh-huh. For the rest of the sphere's duration, I'm distracted because Auron and Jecht are wandering around in the background, checking out the gravesite, penis stick and all, that the current party just passed. Who's recording this? Now for the aforementioned sappy crap. Braska stresses the fact that he chose to be a summoner, and even though he's going to die, that's just peachy. He wants Yuna to choose her own path, summoner or no, and to do things her own way. He'll be proud of her, no matter what. I wonder how he'd feel about his daughter marrying a dead pedophile and then making out with Jecht's wankery son in a pond, all in the same day. I don't think my dad would be okay if I pulled that shit, and I'm 26.

 
I just bet it is.

The rest of the sphere is more of the same, except for Jecht and Auron in the background, staring at Braska's ass. I bet I know what went on as soon as that sphere was shut off. Appropriately, Auron learns his new limit break after watching that sphere.

After fighting the same group of fiends over and over and over, Tightass and the others encounter a new friend, who turns out to not be that new. His name is Wantz, and he has a very familiar Steve Irwin accent. Gosh, I wonder if he could be related to someone we've already met! "We have met several times before, right?" Yuna inquires. Now, my initial instinct is that this is out of the blue and makes no fucking sense, but as it turns out, Wantz is a running gag in this game. My Ultimania guide lists all the places we've seen him, but I'm too lazy to go upstairs and look at it right now. So let's just stick to the one time I've mentioned him -- the random loser who snapped the group's picture on the Thunder Plains. Ha ha, those wacky Japanese game designers.

Wantz explains, "I have to carry on my brother's business. You've met him, I think. O'aka XXIII, merchant extraordinaire?" Oh, so that's where I've heard that accent before. It turns out that O'aka's "helpful" presence in the palace of Bevelle wasn't such a good idea on his part. He's currently in prison, most likely getting violated by all sorts of disgruntled customers who didn't appreciate his exorbitant prices. Tightass feels guilty about this, and even though it's technically not his fault, I'm going to blame him anyway. Oh, but O'aka isn't upset. Nope! He conveniently had time to talk to his brother before he was imprisoned, and his exact words were, "Don't worry about me, just go help Lady Yuna." Because, by God, it's all about Yuna. Even Yuna is confused as to why O'aka would risk prison rape in order to sell them overpriced crap. The game designers didn't have a good reason for this completely pointless plotline, so Wantz quickly changes the subject: "Hey, this isn't the time for talking!"

Just say no to toe.
 

Nope, it's the time for buying stuff. I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that Wantz's underwear-over-pants ensemble makes it look like he has a camel toe. I'm so confused, and I don't mean sexually. At the end of the transaction, Yuna promises to pray for O'aka, as if she still follows a religion. Wantz assures her that O'aka is also praying for Yuna, because she's so very great. Jesus.

Fifteen minutes of walking and random battles later, the party encounters another makeshift grave. Lulu makes a comment to the effect that it must have sucked ass to fail after getting this far, and then they move on. Again, someone took the time to program this sequence.

The party reaches a random save point, my first clue that a boss battle is imminent. After traversing through another short tunnel, the party emerges onto an overlook. A snowy wind blows across the outcropping, and suddenly everyone dies of hypothermia caused by lack of clothing. Honestly, is it too much to ask for the game designers to give everyone coats? I think there's enough space on the DVD to allow for a simple outfit change. Oh, but then we wouldn't see boobs. My bad.

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