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"At last, he finds Gatta -- freaking out, but still alive. Damn it! I couldn't even manage to kill off that little bastard. I know it can be done. I screwed up somewhere. Damn, damn, damn!"
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy X Part 8

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Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time : Part 3
By Jeanne
Posted 02.17.07
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6 : 7 : 8 : 9 : 10
True to her princessy nature, Ruto immediately gets her bitch on, all, "Who the fuck are you, peasant?" Twink makes very, very, very sure to emphasize that he's only there to rescue her because of her dad's request after Twink gave him the letter in the bottle. Oddly enough, Ruto insists she hasn't the slightest fucking idea who wrote the message in the bottle. And you know, I have to believe her because it doesn't make much sense for her to have sent it. Remember what I said earlier -- the only two ways it could have made it to Lake Hylia are a) if Ruto chucked it in the river before heading into Jabba's belly, or b) Ruto found a bottle, a sheet of paper, and a writing implement floating around inside Jabba, wrote the letter, and then trusted that Jabba would shit it out at some point. Option a) is the more reasonable option (meaning it's probably the wrong one, but just go with it), but if that were the case, it means that Ruto would be trying to set herself up in order to be saved by a handsome prince (or a gay Cockiri kid), and I doubt she would throw a bitchfit at him once he showed up. So the only logical conclusion I can draw from this giant fanwank fest is that someone forged the letter in the bottle.

But who? And why?

Don't look at me! I just recap what the game gives me, and the game isn't talking here. I think we're supposed to assume, based on the previous events in the game's dungeons, that Ganondorf is the responsible party. So let's get this straight. Ganondorf fucked with the Cockiri forest by infesting the Dicku Tree with STDs and evil interior design. Then, he turned his efforts toward Dodongo's Cavern, where he shockingly filled it with Dodongos and blocked the entrance up tight. Now, horror of horrors, he...forged a letter from a princess. Now, I'm not denying that a stalkery message from a girl is completely terrifying and unacceptable for Twink -- this is a lot scarier than dealing with mini dinosaurs, obviously. But in terms of true, unadulterated seems a bit lacking. Like, why not poison the water with poisonous poison a la Kefka? Or fill the lake with flesh-eating pirahnas? These seem much more in line with the actions of a big baddie than flinging a stupid jar into a lake in hopes that someone might just find it. How unlucky for Ganondorf if no one ever discovered it and he just sat there in his evil lair waiting for...well, whatever he hoped to accomplish. Twink/whoever getting swallowed up by the fish and mauled to death by giant evil vaginas and buttholes?

Sure, Twink's trip through Jabba's intestinal tract isn't fun and games, but it just doesn't seem like a very airtight or menacing plan on Ganondorf's part. Then again, I never claimed to be an evil mastermind, so maybe I'm just not up on these things.

Regardless of who was responsible for the crime of forgery, Twink has other issues at the moment. Namely, the bitchy princess all up in his grill. "Anyway, I can't go home right now. And you... Get out of here! Understand?!" God damn, who pissed in her fish flakes? Now, don't get me wrong. Twink would much rather deal with a nasty little harpy than a grasping, clingy stalker, because the former situation means less worry about potential roofie slippage. Still, having hot relations with sexy menfolk is even more preferable, and from the looks of it, such a thing is not likely to happen in Jabba's inner workings.

Since Ruto wants nothing to do with him, Twink prepares to leave, planning to tell the king to suck it up and get his own damn daughter if he's that freaking worried. But then Ruto has to go and fall into one of the aforementioned floor orifices. Would that be "floorifices"? It goes without saying that Twink doesn't give a crap about her fate, but he realizes that unless he goes through with this giant headache of a dungeon/rescue mission, he won't get the third and final shiny in his collection. Not that anyone actually told him where it's located, beyond a vague reference to Zora's Domain, but chalk this up to another round of pattern recognition. And hey, at least this chick isn't trying to get into his shorts, even if he really wishes she would put some on herself.


So Twink follows Ruto through the floorifice, ending up in another gross, slimy red room on the next level down. Ruto's just standing there with her thumb up her butt, and when Twink talks to her, she's all, "Leave me alone, you stalker!" Oh, the irony. She randomly tells him details about her life, namely that she's regularly explored Jabba's internal organs since she was just a guppy. Okay, is it just me, or does that seem just a little bit wrong? "Oh, here's our illustrious fish god -- I think I'll crawl down his throat and walk around a bit. Fun!" Is this the proper way to treat a deity? I can't imagine why that would seem a good idea. If, say, Jesus showed up at my house one day, I don't think I'd ask him if I could take a look down his esophagus, you know?

Then again, this is Hyrule, where girls think Twink is straight, so we've already determined that logic doesn't apply here. Continuing on in her fascinating story, Ruto adds that, "Lord [Jabba] is very strange today... There are electrified jellyfish and strange holes around..." I think that happened to me once after eating too much. Well, at least we now have some more confirmation that the monsters were part of Ganondorf's diabolical plot, although "I will take over Hyrule by...increasing the number of orifices in your fish god's organs!" doesn't have much of an evil ring to it.

Not only is Jabba more fucked up than game designers after a brainstorm session, but Ruto's "precious stone" has gone missing. But she doesn't want Twink's help! Fine. He doesn't want to help you anyway, you watery whore. With a sinking feeling, Twink realizes that her precioussss is the exact same jewel he's searching for. Sure, there's a possibility that they're two completely different items, but come on. We've all played video games before. One last time, Ruto orders Twink to make like a tree and get out of there. It shatters his very soul to realize this, but...he can't. He must have that final stone. Not to save Hyrule, of course, but to have a fabulous sparkling ensemble to wear on his next date with Darunia.

So Twink talks to Ruto once more. She misinterprets his persistence as concern, and as a "reward," she allows him to carry her around the dungeon. Oh, yay. "However... I won't leave until I find the thing I'm looking for. You'd better believe me!" she threatens. Jeebus cripes, no need to be so God damn defensive. Besides, Twink wasn't planning to leave until he, "borrowed" the damn jewel anyway.

You might recall that neither of the dungeons that Wind Wanker Twink had to navigate with a partner were all that bad. Partly because the partner could be controlled when necessary, but also because the female partner wore clothes and could be thrown into walls for Twink's amusement and the male partner was really f'ing cute. Ruto has neither of these advantages. This means that not only is Twink stuck with an annoying bitchy chick who he has to carry around like dead weight, but she's butt-ass naked and when he hoists her up over his head, her crotch is pressed firmly against his poor, defenseless hat. If you feel nauseous right now, it's a perfectly natural reaction to this situation.

In addition to the lame yet hurtful bubbles that are barely worth a mention, Twink discovers another new enemy in the next room -- flying stingrays. I would make some joke about them, but for some reason I can't think up any inappropriate topical jokes surrounding stingrays. Hey, if you guys can think of any stingray-related references that I could use in a witty fashion, fill me in, okay? I'm living in a cave here, and I need help.

As Twink winds his way back through the labyrinth of Jabba's nonsensical insides, he solves some more basic puzzles, throws Ruto a couple of times (both accidentally and on purpose), and experiences more of his usual suicidal thoughts. Finally, he finds a spike-bottomed elevator platform -- no doubt another of Ganondorf's dastardly (yet helpful) inventions -- that leads back up to the room with the two boxes. Twink remembers when he thought those were the only boxes he'd have to encounter today. Oh, the naivete.

This time, when Twink reaches the room with the giant green penis, he just barely manages to dodge the multiple floorifices in order to enter the door in the back. Now this is where things get really fun. The current room consists of psychedelic moving walls and multiple branching tunnels, each with a door at the end. Ganondorf thought it would be totally awesome to infest this particular portion of Jabba's internal workings with some phallic, floor-dwelling worms. Twink is not about to deal with that shit -- the last thing he wants to do (next to having sex with a vagina, of course) is to lose his love of the cock for all eternity. That would be the truest tragedy. He decides to make a run for it, dodging all the worms on his way toward the rightmost tunnel. On his way there, he spots a giant pulsating red penis at the end of one of the tunnels. Well, this could be interesting. Or, more likely, it's another Ganondorf-style trap, designed to lure him with the promise of sexy shenanigans only to...well, Twink doesn't really want to think about the potential horrors to be inflicted upon him by a traitorous wang.

The rightmost doorway it is, then. But oh noes! Some of that gross webbing covers the door and Twink can't get in. A giant floor switch in front of the door looks like it might just be related to this situation, but Twink just can't figure out what to do. However will he solve this problem? It's time to consult Naggy! "This switch... It doesn't look like you can press it down with your weight alone, Twink..." On the surface, this might seem somewhat helpful. However, Twink triggered Naggy's "advice" by stepping on the switch with Ruto so he had already solved the puzzle by the time she chimed in. Which might just be a new record in pointlessness for Naggy. How great for us all.

The next room, a dead end, contains four stingrays which somehow manage to swim beneath the solid floor when not flying around the room getting hit by seeds from Twink's Schlongshot. When Twink defeats all of them, he receives a rather tantalizing large chest -- and I don't mean he suddenly grew boobs. Nope, it's a treasure chest containing none other than...the Boomerwang! I don't know if it's as ornate as its Wind Wankery counterpart, but it has decorative stripes and a big red jewel set into the bend, so it fits Twink's fabulous requirements quite nicely.

With the Boomerwang in his hand, there's nothing Twink can't do in this dungeon! Well, except find a hot guy apparently, but that's a problem with Hyrule in general, not just Jabba. Twink runs all the way to the leftmost tunnel branch where he encounters yet another floor switch. He suspects that this might be one of those that resets whenever he steps off of it -- and he's trying his damnedest not to trigger another "explanation" from Naggy -- so he sets Ruto on the switch to hold it down for him. Honestly, he just wants to get rid of her for a little while, but by putting it in dungeon related terms, he's hoping to avoid another hissyfit.

Through the door, Twink finds himself in yet another dead-end chamber. This one, too, contains a foe that Twink must defeat. But it's not a stingray. Nope, it's nothing other than a giant, red penis swinging from the ceiling. Even if you're one of those deluded people who thinks that I see penises where there are none, you can't deny this looks very much like a huge schlong. And if you do deny it, you might want to think about why you're so quick to not see penises everywhere. Maybe I'm not the one with the problem.


As Twink suspected, this is no friendly penis. Even so, it's with a heavy heart (and sympathetic pain) that Twink must defeat it. He accomplishes this by hitting it in the weak spot near its base several times with his Boomerwang. This feat requires good timing, as the angry wiener attempts to whack Twink in the face after it recovers from the blow. Given that we've already established some issues with Twink's timing, it should come as no surprise that Twink ends up dickslapped. But only once. And he likes it just a little bit. After dealing with endless girls for the last week, he'll take what he can get.

When Twink defeats the surly sex organ, he finally receives the dungeon map, which makes him feel a little better about the whole thing. This somewhat positive emotion doesn't last for long, as you might expect. As soon as Twink leaves the room to hoist Ruto back up on his poor, traumatized hat, he finds her in a foul mood. "How inconsiderate! How could you leave me behind?! If you're a man, act like one! Take responsibility!" For cripes sakes, he went into another room for five minutes, he didn't knock you up and deny you child support. At this point, Twink realizes that his original hopes were for naught -- Ruto's turning into a clingy, needy stalker just like all the others. And she's a heinous bitch, to boot! Once again, Twink should have known better. With a resigned sigh, Twink hoists Ruto up and walks down the adjacent tunnel.

Before he reaches the end, Naggy pipes up, bringing Twink one step closer to insanity. "The red slimy thing is gone! That must be because you cut the red tail! Will that work with the other ones too?" What she's babbling about is the red penis that was hanging out in the tunnel. Supposing that the red swinging thing that Twink just destroyed was the tip of that very same penis...well, that indicates some rather uncomfortable contortions, not to mention an impressive length.

Right. 'Tail.'

And to answer her question: no, I'm sure the game designers wouldn't repeat the exact same puzzle to clear out any additional tunnel-blocking or floorifice-penetrating trouser snakes. Well, Twink encounters no swinging dick tips in the next room, at least. Here, he has forty seconds to clear the room of a mass of bubbles, using his Boomerwang and sometimes his own body to pop them. This time, the dungeon rewards him with the Comp Ass. How considerate of Ganondorf to provide even more helpful dungeon items. Maybe he really is a nice guy at heart, just like Pyramid Head.

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