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  -Part 1 :: [02.17.06]
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"I learn that Bonnie and Clydesdale are running the Contest, among other tidbits of less-useful information. One man inside a show tent complains that he was expecting to see 'big girls', but 'all there was was little girls!' Well, I guess that's hardly surprising, given that our Pedophilic Pony friends are the ones in charge here."
     -Ben, Breath of Fire III Part 4

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Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time : Part 3
By Jeanne
Posted 02.17.07
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6 : 7 : 8 : 9 : 10
It's nighttime at Lake Hylia, but Twink isn't done with his exploring. After cutting grass and collecting Rupees until dawn, he heads over to a rather whimsical little building on the main shore. It has crooked towers, so there must be something cool inside! Sorry, I just like towers. A sign nearby labels it as the Lakeside Laboratory. The name makes Twink a bit uneasy -- he suddenly has visions of being strapped down to an operating table while various females experiment on his naughty bits in extremely unsexy ways.

But the phallic towers win out. Twink enters the Lakeside Laboratory, hoping for the best. Well, it's definitely a laboratory, with the dim, spooky lighting and weird experimental implements that entails. Not to mention the atmospheric sitar music. The thing that sets this apart from other stereotypical laboratories is the deep pool at the back of the building. Again, if Twink wants to go swimming, he'll do so in the giant lake outside, so he avoids this one for now.

The building's occupant...has some issues. Namely, he's really fucking ugly. Like, in a beauty contest between him and the guy with the spider curse, it would be a close call. The dog-faced skeletons that pop up at night in Hyrule Field are less skeletal and have less obvious overbites than this guy. Plus, his hairstyle is way too unfabulous for Twink to handle. Oh, the horror.

The ugly scientist spouts something about his attempts to create medicine from the water of Lake Hylia plus some other ingredients, and then mentions that the lady from the potion shop is one of his students. Wow, Twink so does not give a crap about any of this. He's out of there faster than Squall waking up in Rinoa's bed.

You and the game designers.

His options exhausted for now, Twink heads back through the magical portal to Zora's Domain. Before heading upstairs to squeal on the stalker Princess Ruto, he randomly decides to catch a fish inside one of his empty bottles. Now I'm kind of craving sushi. Damn it. Of course, I'm one of those people who goes to the zoo and gets hungry looking at delicious animals, so there you go. Just add that to the "why Jeanne is going to hell" list, like it's not long enough already.

Twink makes his way back upstairs to the podium, where he presents Ruto's creepy letter to that toadlike motherfucker. Right away, King Zora disbelieves the entire letter because, "Our guardian god, Lord [Jabba] would never eat my dear Princess Ruto!" And how many daddies have been in similar denial about the activities of their "innocent" daughters? Twink feels rather put out that King Zora isn't more concerned about the whole stalking issue. "But since that stranger, Ganondorf, came here, Lord [Jabba] has been a little green around the gills..."

Twink just stares at the king in shock. Not because he can't believe that the evil Ganondorf, after fucking things up in the forest and on the mountain, came here and fucked things up as well, but because he can't believe none of the NPCs even uttered the slightest peep about this event. Surely, this is the type of thing that NPCs all over the area would not be able to shut up about. By now, Twink should have received every detail of the visit at least seventeen times. What is Hyrule coming to?!

To make matters even worse, the king charges Twink with the rescue of his daughter, the exact opposite of what Twink was aiming for in the situation. Oh, but the king graciously allows Twink to keep the glass bottle. "Take it respectfully!" he dorks, like Twink should be sooooooo grateful he's allowed to keep this shitty thing in return for risking his life and sanity to rescue another God damn girl. Besides, he was going to keep it anyway, so don't act like you're doing him a huge favor, kingy.

Twink might enjoy sharing his favors around Hyrule, but that doesn't make him a ho.

The universe, in its continuous attempt to force Twink into the depths of misery, provides the next scarring event in the form of King Zora heaving his enormous bulk out of the way of the Zora's Fountain entrance. This may not sound so bad on the surface, but remember that even the simplest actions must be as mindrapingly horrible as possible. The camera shoots the scene from below King Zora's throne, in order to give us a delicious, full-on view of his majesty's crotch. Bit by bit, he scoots to the side, using his thighs and asscheeks, emitting rhythmic croaking grunts with every movement. After a full thirty-two seconds of watching the king spread his legs, Twink is more than ready to drown himself in the shallow pool. At that moment, King Zora finally stops and the camera mercifully pulls away from his genitalia. Sadly, I am now typing this without the benefit of sight because I appear to have gouged out my eyes with a nearby miniature gunblade replica.

It is if she has a strap-on.

Twink heads through the doorway and down a tunnel that leads to Zora's Fountain. We get the full tourist promo shot of the area. Strangely, there is not a single fountain to be found in the area. But never fear! There's plenty of water. Whew, Twink was this close to forgetting he was still in the domain of the water people! The rather sizable lake is surrounded by tall cliffs, with some crappily texture-mapped trees set into a crevice in the rock. There's also something that looks like a giant tribal fish statue right in the center of the "fountain."

While Twink makes a heroic attempt to put off the inevitable by taking a relaxing swim in the fountain, Naggy just can't leave well enough alone. "It seems Princess Ruto somehow got inside [Jabba]'s belly..." All this time, I've been assuming she got there via the mouth, but Naggy's "somehow" dredges up more...horrifying possibilities in my mind. If it didn't require more typing on my part, Ruto's name would now be "Princess Lemmiwinks."

On a small sliver of land near the back of the lake, a Gold-Assed spider meets its painful end. Twink's not done wreaking death and destruction in this spot, however. He decides to set a bomb down next to a rather boring gray rock. KABOOM! A huge section of the wall gets blasted away, revealing a sizable tunnel. Neat!

Or not. The familiar tinkling harp music and the work of the Location Text God inform Twink that he's discovered yet another Great Fairy Fountain. Though he's stared at enough unattractive crotches for the day, Twink still toots his instrument to awaken the fairy. Heck, it has to be better than searching out Princess Ruto, right? Another giant shemale comes screaming out of the water, posing in midair as the camera explores her pointy boobs. As far as I can tell, she looks identical to her scary sister on Death Mountain, but this fairy is the Great Fairy of Magic. She gives Twink a magic spell called Farore's Wind (conjuring up images of the goddess ripping farts) that allows him to warp. But don't go thinking this will actually be useful to him on a regular basis -- it only works in dungeons. Twink's still stuck hoofing it around Hyrule. And I don't mean that literally, because he still doesn't have a horse.

I can't totally diss this gift because it will come in handy for me later, but right now it's about as helpful to Twink as a book called, "How to Please Your Special Bed!" or "So You Want to Bone a Princess..." Speaking of not wanting to bone a princess, Twink is still very reluctant to rescue Princess Ruto. Still, he decides to check out the scene of her disappearance -- Lord Jabba himself. As it turns out, Lord Jabba is the scary fish statue with the tribal markings painted on it. Except that he's not really a statue at all -- his fins, tail, and eyes move around, indicating that he is either alive or an animatronic robot. I'm not sure which is scarier -- after all, those things at Chuck E. Cheese are fucking frightening. You might expect that, as a fish god, Lord Jabba would have full access to the lake, swimming around to his heart's content, but for some reason he stays planted in one place, his chin resting on a stone platform that was likely built in order to worship him. I would make a comment about how his life must suck to be stuck there without moving, but I've spent a good portion of my day sitting stationary in my massage chair, so I guess I can kind of relate. Except that I don't have princesses traveling up my rectum.

Confronted with the giant freaky fish and the prospect of dealing with another princess who happens to be hanging out in the internal organs of the giant freaky fish, Twink loses the last shred of his ability to cope. That's why he magically teleports back to the Cockiri forest (read: I saved, turned off the game, and resumed playing it at a later point) and heads to Hyrule Town instead. He's heard some news about a fabulous new shop that's opened up there. Don't ask me how he heard this news...let's all pretend it was our old friend, the wizard.

If Twink could be sure that's a guy, he might just have a new boyfriend.

Twink follows the wizard's directions and ends up in a rather intriguing shop. The walls are festooned with pink fabric and flowers, and the counter itself is located within the blowjob mouth of a giant white mask. Also, the owner is male, just so we're clear that this isn't the Princess Zelda Sorority House. According to the Location Text God, Twink has entered the Happy Mask Shop, as opposed to the Suicidally Depressing Mask Shop. Twink could use a little happiness in his life.

It looks like he just may get it. The owner, as I mentioned, is male. Not only that, he's a handsome young redheaded male with...let's just say a festive grin. His purple outfit clashes with his hair, but Twink can overlook that. This guy's fucking Brad Pitt compared to the rest of Hyrule's population. "Hiyeee! Welcome to the Happy Mask Shop! We deal in masks that bring happiness to everyone!" he shrills. Twink doesn't know what sort of mask would do such a thing, unless maybe it's a mask lined with weed.

Suddenly Hyrule just got a whole lot less sucky.

Unfortunately, the Gay Mask Shop owner has only business matters on his mind at the moment. He wants Twink to be his Gay Mask Shop shill. What this means to Twink is that he has to sell all the damn masks for this guy before he'll put out. What this means to me is that I get to embark on a thrilling fetch quest/trading game. Either way, Twink and I are getting the short end of the stick here, while Gay Mask Shop dude sits around jacking it behind the counter.

But Twink can't afford to be picky at this point. He's going to sell every last fucking mask if that's what it takes to get some Gay Mask Dude lovin'. At first, he has only one mask available -- a Keaton mask. Now, I don't know if this is some weird Japanese pop culture reference or what, but to me Keaton looks an awful lot like Pikachu. More accurately, the love child of Pikachu and a fox. Someone has probably created some explicit fanart of this at some point. "Keaton stuff is hot, hot, hot!" according to the Gay Mask Shop guy. Again, this game came out right around the peak of Pikachu's popularity, so draw your own conclusions. Or else post a pompous correction on the forums about how this is a reference to some other popular Japanese character and I'm just so uncool for not knowing that. Whatever keeps you from cutting your wrists.

Twink buys the mask for 10 Rupees and sets off to find the one individual in the entire kingdom of Hyrule who wants to buy it from him. You can imagine the potential aggravation involved in this quest considering the obnoxious number of NPCs. However! Twink just happens to know the identities of all the individuals in question -- almost as if he's experienced this before. After Twink "borrows" the mask, he can also wear it around while talking to random people. I figure I'll give this a try since maybe I'll discover some hilarious and possibly risque dialogue that I can share with all of you. Somehow, it completely slips my mind that Twink might be headed for a world of hurt if he walks around wearing a fox mask. He's going to have a difficult time saving Hyrule if he's chained up in the basement of some pedophile furry.

More like Twink doesn't want to imagine you doing that.

While it's true that the townsfolk provide different dialogue when Twink wears the mask, there's really nothing worth writing home about. Well, except for the multiple grown men in the village who share that they used be into masks when they were younger. As unfortunate as that is for Twink to know, it pales in comparison to most of the disturbing crap he's encountered in his adventure so far. Jeez, how's a fake Cockiri supposed to procrastinate properly without anyone to entertain him?

Bored now, Twink heads over to Cockariko Village to talk with the Death Mountain guard. The guard thinks he's such a genius for figuring out that Twink is the guy wearing the mask -- however did he manage that? Although he doesn't know the name of the mask ("Kee...something..." is what he calls it), he knows that his son is a closet furry who loves Keaton. To contribute to his son's fetish, the guard buys the mask from Twink for 15 Rupees. This means that Twink, after paying off the original amount of 10 Rupees, gets a 5 Rupee profit. Awesome! He'll never go hungry again!

Now Twink gets to run aaaaaaall the way back to town to pay off the stupid mask and pick up the next one. The things he does for love. The next mask isn't so cute (or sexy, if you're a furry) -- it's a skull. A horned skull, to be exact. Twink expects a better reaction from people when he wears this one, but again, he ends up disappointed.

The buyer for this mask lives in the Lost Woods. If I recall correctly, it's the same Dicku Kid who gave Twink the Piece of Ass just for playing Saria's Song on the Cockarina. Obviously, we're dealing with a mentally disturbed individual here. The Dicku Kid thinks this mask will make him look less like a total weakling pansy and more like a big brute man, so he wants it, precious! Twink agrees to this transaction, and then gets totally reamed when the Dicku Kid only gives him 10 Rupees. That mask cost a whopping 20 Rupees, you little cocksucker!

Again, I'm sure this isn't the first time someone's said this to Twink.

Well, it's too late now. Twink, after his experiences with the Dicku Tree, knows what can happen when he comes up short on cash. He can only hope that Gay Mask Shop guy will go easy on him. Well...maybe he doesn't really hope that. Twink's open to new experiences, and that shop owner is pretty cute. To the mask shop!

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