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  -Part 1 :: [02.17.06]
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"In this case 'secret' means 'path that's on the far right of the screen with a specially positioned spotlight on it, you can't miss it.' Thanks, game designers. You'll try to drive me to Bedlam for a goddamned chest of armor that I can see but not get to, but when it comes to a secret path, well you just can't be bothered to keep it a secret at all. Remind me to never tell you about that cute guy I've got the hots for in Math class."
     -Kelly, Legend of Dragoon Part 10

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Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time : Part 3
By Jeanne
Posted 02.17.07
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6 : 7 : 8 : 9 : 10
Not that it really matters in the end because the Zora turns out to be a big prick. Twink jumps back in the water to find someone who doesn't treat him like dog shit on the bottom of their shoe. Not that Zoras wear shoes -- that would look kind of weird with the nudity -- but you know what I'm saying. The Zora prick did give Twink one "useful" suggestion having to do with a diving game run by a Zora at the top of the waterfall. Yeah, Twink is totally up for that, what with his extreme love of minigames.

As Twink swims around some more, a random Zora pops up right in front of him, nearly causing him to shit himself. He wonders if the Zora was leering at him underwater, and he's not really sure how he feels about that. "Have you seen Lord Jabu-Jabu?" the Zora randomly wonders. Twink wonders if that's a come-on. But we know that Lord Jabu-Jabu is a sacred fish god whose name suddenly changed to Jabun in response to the world flooding or something. Whatever. Sam and I are better at continuity than the game designers, so he'll be Jabba here, too.

Twink responds that no, he has not had the pleasure of meeting Lord Jabba this fine day. Yes, that means the game designers actually give Twink a choice of how to answer here, like it really matters. If he answers "Yes" is the Zora going to throw a total shitfit at him for lying? "Oh, that's not good," the Zora responds in what I imagine is a Bill Lumbergh voice. According to Bill the Zora, all visitors should go check out the magnificent Lord Jabba. I bet Bill's room contains a creepy shrine to Lord Jabba, much like the one Blathers has for Twink, but with sloughed off scales and maybe a few fish heads left over from Jabba's meals. Bill gives directions to Twink for reaching the sexy lair of Lord Jabba -- Zora's Fountain, located somewhere behind King Zora's throne -- and Twink files this information away because he somehow knows, unfortunately, that he will need it for later. God damn it. Then he takes off before Bill the Zora can ask him to work on Saturday.

I disagree.

Great. Twink feels so awesome that he's two for two losers already and he hasn't even been in Zora's Domain for more than a few minutes. Might as well make that three. Yet another waste of space gives him some Jabba-related exposition. Not only is Lord Jabba their "patron deity," but the Zora in charge of his godly meals is none other than Princess Ruto.

Oh, crap.

Can't any of Hyrule's royalty ever produce a male child? Jesus Christ, where are all the Y chromosomes around here? Toward the beginning of his adventure, Twink might have proceeded with his journey under the assumption that he would never have to meet this princess. Sadly, he knows better now. Even if it weren't for the red font, Twink knows that the goddesses, with their irrational hate-on for him, would never let him get away without meeting every female individual in the land. Twink's only hope at this point is that the princess is in love with some other unfortunate gay male, or perhaps she's a lesbian. Please, please let her be in love with a different gay man or another chick.

Is he trying to hire a prostitute?

This latest news is almost enough to make Twink give up his adventure, but once again, his sadistic controller spurs him on, all the way up the path to the throne room. There, he finds King Zora sitting atop a small waterfall, with his ass in the water. If his throne weren't watery, we might forget that the Zoras are the water people, so this is an important detail. The rest of the distinctly unfabulous throne room floor is filled with water, except for a silly stone platform. According to a nearby sign, Twink must stand on this platform in order to address the king. What the fuck ever.

King Zora -- how can I put this politely? -- has a slightly different appearance from the rest of the Zoras. While the others are all sleek and muscular -- probably from all the swimming -- King Zora looks like he...doesn't enjoy exercise all that much. In fact, the skin color is the only thing he has in common with the others. More specifically, he resembles a morbidly obese frog, wearing a red robe and a crown. Not that Twink is totally prejudiced against fatties -- after all, Darunia isn't exactly the most svelte male that Twink has ever encountered and he's totally willing to hit that. It's just that in addition to King Zora's completely not hot appearance, his fishman sperm managed to produce a princess. And that's just sick.

Anyway, Twink climbs the stupid platform to talk to the king. But his royal majesty is in no mood for chitchat -- his sweet daughter has disappeared! Woe is him! Twink tries to muster up some sympathy for his plight...wait, no he doesn't. He doesn't at all. Fuck the princess -- not literally, of course. Twink secretly hopes she got eaten by a Big Fucking Spider. Yeah, he hates those things, but they're really the lesser of two evils in this situation.

Twink doesn't care to listen to any more whining from Princess Ruto's worried dad. He has more important matters to attend to, such as snagging a Piece of Ass from behind the big waterfall and playing the diving game. Clipping his toenails and watching grass grow would also make the list of more important matters, but there isn't grass or toenail trimmers in Zora's Domain.

The diving game starts out at the top of the waterfall. A lone Zora runs this minigame, which begs the question -- how many customers does this guy really get? It costs 20 Rupees per session, and involves retrieving a total of 25 Rupees (5 blue Rupees) from the bottom of the lake. Even Twink with his assy diving skills (not to be confused with his ass diving skills) can manage to pick up all these Rupees within the time limit quite easily. Therefore, I have to assume that it would be no stretch for an actual Zora to win this game. So where do the profits come from for the minigame attendant if the customers have no trouble collecting the Rupees? Are we to assume that he raises the stakes for Zora customers as opposed to puny humans? It doesn't seem like he or the players really benefit all that much in terms of Rupees -- after all, Twink could go cut grass and earn much more cash than the shitty 5 Rupee profit he can get from this game. I guess it just doesn't seem like a very cost-effective game, and that bothers me on a certain level.

Golden showers!

But I digress. Twink has 50 seconds to jump from the top of the waterfall and retrieve all five blue Rupees. He does this in under 25 seconds, ending up with quite a lot of time to spare, meaning that this minigame is fucking easy. I mean, if I'm not under the wire to finish it, that's the only logical conclusion. After retrieving the final Rupee, the minigame operator shouts down from the waterfall that he has "something very nice" for Twink. Twink hopes it is what he thinks it is. That Zora looked rather bored and rather hot, so...

Unfortunately it's something else. Sigh. After trudging all the way back up to the top of the waterfall, the Zora gives him a Silver Scale, which is kind of gross since it comes from a Zora. It would be like a human giving Twink some peeled skin. Actually, Twink's kind of surprised he hasn't received something like that yet, with the way his life is going lately. Somehow the Silver Scale allows Twink to dive deeper underwater, which would be completely and utterly awesome if he had actually ever felt the need to dive deeper underwater.

Well, he may as well try this shit out, since he has nothing better to do. Jumping back down into the lake, Twink swims around for a bit until he finds...what is this? Why, it's a mysterious underwater doorway! Surely this must lead to the secret sexy hideout of the Zora men! Now that he owns this special sloughed off scale, Twink can dive underwater and enter the portal. He realizes at the very last second that it probably leads to the lair of the underwater variety of the Big Fucking Spiders. Shit!

Surprisingly, Twink finds himself at a completely different location -- Lake Hylia. According to his map, it's all the way across Hyrule field from Zora's Domain, meaning that he just traveled through a magical portal. That would explain the weird magical warping sounds and visuals. Lake Hylia is -- wait for it -- a giant fucking lake. The portal comes out at the base of some ancient ruins, the meaning of which has probably been fanwanked to death somewhere on the internet. But Twink doesn't care about that -- it's time to explore!

A random Zora in the lake informs Twink that all sorts of random crap gets washed into the lake from the river, so he should totally look for treasure and stuff. Twink's all for that -- maybe someone's copy of a gay smut mag or an interesting buttplug found their way to the bottom of the lake. You never know.

Unfortunately, it's nothing quite that fascinating. But still, not too shabby. Twink finds a third glass bottle to add to his collection. I know I'm breathing a big sigh of relief -- I Twink needs all the help he can get. In an odd twist, this bottle already has something inside. Not lube, as Twink first hoped, but a note. Ooh, a note in a bottle! Twink prays it reads: "Sexy male pirate stranded on desert island, looking for young Cockiri to keep him company, directions on back."

I hope it's alcohol.

Not only is it not that, but it's pretty much the opposite of that. "Help me. I'm waiting for you inside Lord [Jabba]'s belly. --Ruto PS: Don't tell my father!" Twink drops the letter in disgust. Even more horrifying than the clashing pink and yellow color scheme is the fact that this Princess Ruto, who doesn't even know him, is lying in wait to do unmentionable things to him. Now the goddesses are bending the laws of time and space to fuck with his life. Awesome .

Ruto must have sent this message before she entered the fish god's digestive tract. That's what Twink tells himself, since the alternative is that she went into Jabba's stomach and sent the bottle down his poop-chute. Twink doesn't want to handle an object that's been inside a giant fish's ass, thank you very much.

Twink knows that unless he does something to pass the buck on this whole princess matter that it will keep haunting him. Not out of any sense of guilt, but because he has really shitty luck and this stuff never seems to go away on its own. Plus, the last thing he wants to do is follow any of the instructions in this letter. He's totally going to show this to Ruto's dad. Take that, clingy princess!

All this crap can go on the backburner for now, though. Twink swims around a bit more until he ends up on an small area of land with a building. A sign on the building indicates that there's a Fishing Pond inside. That makes a ton of sense, since there's a gigantic fucking lake -- containing fish -- just outside the building. Surely it would make much more sense to pay money to fish out of a fake pond!

Well, sensible or no, that's what Twink's going to do because he doesn't happen to have a fishing pole in his possession. Plus, the fishing game is one of those rare minigames that is actually fun. Upon entering the building, Twink notices that there is no roof, and he can see the sky. Okay, so the building is actually just a wall with a door in it. From the outside, it's clear that the "building" abuts the tall cliff surrounding the lake, but once Twink passes through the door, suddenly the pond is surrounded by a row of pine trees with the sky clearly visible between them. Where did the cliff wall go? A wizard must have made it disappear! Nothing about this whole fishing pond area makes a lot of sense, but Twink is distracted from its illogical nature by the rather appalling man in charge. He has one of those flat, side-parted hairdos, a tiny mustache, and a goatee that resembles a thatch of pubic hair. Twink might be able to overlook all that -- not enough to sleep with the guy, but enough to not want to flee in terror -- but for the dude's incessant armpit scratching. Nasty. Twink has second thoughts about accepting a fishing pole from the guy -- again, I'm not referring to a sexual encounter -- but he does anyway because the fishing game is that addicting.

Pubey McScratcherson gives Twink a longwinded explanation of the fishing controls before informing him that he is allowed to keep only one fish per session -- though he can catch as many fish as he wants. The current record is 6 pounds. It's swimming in a tank on the counter. Twink glances at the pond. It's small, shallow, and clear enough that you'd think anyone with half a brain would know all the fish that live there and whether or not any of them exceed 6 pounds in size. But whatever, Twink has a record to break!

Twink is not entirely opposed to that idea.

I won't bore you with the details of Twink's leisurely fishing session -- what, you think he actually cares about the fate of Hyrule anymore? -- except to say that he catches a rather whopping fish. Twink's not about the tuna, if you follow me, but this is still an impressive specimen. Better than that puny little 6 pound fucker. This giant monster is 10 pounds. That's a lot of sushi!

Twink presents his catch to the unclean owner, who understandably flips out and awards Twink with a special prize. No, not his special prize. It's a Piece of Ass! Which is actually a rather awesome prize for such an entertaining and rather simple minigame. Twink would normally expect a green Rupee for such a feat. Well, chalk that up to one good thing among the fifty trillion bad things that happened that day. Twink makes sure to wash off the Piece of Ass in the pond before adding it to his collection -- he doesn't want to catch this guy's armpit cooties. Now Twink has yet another heart in his heart bar. He's ready for anything!

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