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  -Part 1 :: [02.17.06]
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"Through the hills Geddy jogs, occasionally fighting forest monsters or looting corpses on the side of the road. No, he's not a necrophiliac. He's just greedy and wants the skeletons' precious...Old Books and recipes? O-kay!"
     -Sam, Suikoden III Part 6




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Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time : Part 3
By Jeanne
Posted 02.17.07
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6 : 7 : 8 : 9 : 10
Before he can leave, the man continues to spill out his life's goal to Twink: "I'm trying to come up with a musical theme inspired by this windmill...going around and around and around!!!" To anyone with the tiniest lick of intelligence, the mention of music means that Twink must perform something with his Cockarina. But even though this individual appears to be in possession of a penis, Twink's still been burned too many times in the recent past to subject himself to any further Cockarina misfortunes. This guy can come up with his own fucking song, thanks.

Now that Twink has completed his plot-necessitated visit to the Great Fairy, he checks the Retard Dot on his map to find his next location. Hmm, it looks like he's supposed to head to the east, to an area as yet uncompleted on his map. Well, Twink's all about new and exciting challenges, so what does he have to lose? Actually, he doesn't have a choice, because his controller is forcing him into this new and exciting challenge, even though Twink, judging by earlier incidents once again, knows that nothing good can come of it.

To get to this new area, Twink must cross the river flowing near Cockariko Village. As he climbs out of the water, he finds a sign that reads "Zora's River Watch out for swift current and strong undertow." That sounds awesome! Although Twink longs for death by this point, drowning is not his first choice of method. Not only is it too slow and painful, but Naggy can fly, so she would end up surviving, and that's no good.

As he rounds the bend, the first thing Twink notices is a row of strategically-placed bombable rocks. How lucky that he just happens to have bombs now! The next thing he notices is a familiar figure perched on a stone pillar next to the bombable rocks. Guess who! That's right -- Blathers. Get it? "Who"? Because he's an owl? Layers upon layers with my witty jokes. Blathers apparently came back to fetch Twink and found that his underaged prey had escaped from the roof. Not one to be deterred by something like that or by Twink's lack of consent, Blathers managed to track him down once again.

"Hoo hoo! Looks like you've gotten bigger and stronger already, Twink!" Blathers pants. So three minutes ago, Twink was an unimpressive loser who needed to look more heroic, and suddenly he's a musclebound studmuffin? Way to stick to your story, Blathers. Twink will never suspect a thing! Instead of launching into an angry tirade over Twink's escape, Blathers chooses exposition instead. Which, sadly, is actually an improvement. Essentially, Twink is ready to head into Zora's Domain, as everyone and their dog has already figured out. "The Zoras serve Hyrule's Royal Family by protecting this water source." Because Twink totally cares about that shit. All he needs to know is that he's completed a forest dungeon and a fire dungeon, and a water dungeon is next. Fantastic.

Blathers goes on to hint that only people with a connection to the Royal Family of Hyrule can get into Zora's Domain. Twink and we know right away that just like every other fucking barred door in the game so far, Twink has to play the stupid Zelda song to open the way. Still, Blathers doesn't feel like that "vague" hint was enough for Twink, so he adds, "Let them hear the melody of the Royal Family! Hooo hoo hoooot!" Twink and I wait for him to clarify further with, "Stand in front of the door and play Zelda's Lullaby on the Fairy Cockarina! Set the Cockarina to one of the C buttons, then press left-up-right-left-up-right! The door will open! This is how you will get into Zora's Domain! I'll follow you and give you the instructions again just to make sure! Love me!" Instead, he flies away. Wonders never cease.

We'd better move on before this recap hits 300 pages. Twink bombs the rocks -- that's not a euphemism, obviously -- kills a Gold-Assed Spider in a tree, and runs up the path next to the river until he hits a metal gate blocking his way. In front of that gate is...well, to say the guy looks like the Hyrulian version of a stereotypical video game fan would be an insult to him. But yeah, you get my point, and are possibly writing me angry e-mails at this very moment. I can't wait. Anyway, he's large, pale, and shirtless, with facial features suggesting that his mother might have imbibed an unhealthy amount of alcohol during her pregnancy. He has a tattoo on his arm, which he probably got in order to make the ladies -- or since this is Hyrule, the dudes -- think he's some sort of sexy rebel. I can't see what it is, but I'm guessing it's either a likeness of his hero Sephiroth or kanji that doesn't mean what he thinks it means. Either way, Twink is not about to put this guy on the potential boyfriends list -- contrary to what it seems, he's still not that desperate.

But that doesn't mean that Pasty Tattoo Guy won't try! Stuffing his face with some unknown substance, he offers Twink some "Magic Beans," adding that they're not selling as well as he'd hoped. Imagine that. Who wouldn't be hungry for some home-grown beans after watching this guy shoveling food into his mouth? He's willing to sell "one piece" to Twink for 10 Rupees. Don't they say that people get rid of all their worldly possessions before committing suicide? That must be the explanation for why Twink would hand over his hard-earned Rupees to this douche. He certainly doesn't want a taste of this guy's...legumes.

To his surprise, this guy sells Twink an actual bean pod rather than...his bean pod. It looks more like a pea pod with a rainbow of peas inside. Well, Twink definitely approves of that. According to Bean Guy, Twink can plant these beans/peas in certain areas of ground. Twink hopes that while this seems like a total waste of his time, it will eventually pay off. So he buys as many Magic Beans as he can afford. He has nothing more to lose at this point.

Oh, Twink will.
 

There are ten special bean-growing plots of soil in the land. Logic and basic math would dictate that the beans would therefore cost 100 Rupees total. But logic doesn't work in Hyrule. This fucker thinks that one sad little boy buying up his entire stock of beans means that they're "popular." So he charges an extra ten Rupees every time. Asshole. Twink buys three -- after all, he doesn't want to spend all his Rupees right now. He might be able to use the sharp edges to slit his wrists at some point in the near future.

Planting one of his brand new beans in the bean plot right next to the retarded bean seller, Twink waits for something awesomely cool to happen. It doesn't -- the bean just starts sprouting. Then again, watching plants grow is much better than completing his heroic tasks. Even so, Twink moves on, turning his attention toward finding a way to jump the river. If he falls in, he knows he won't be able to swim against the current with his little noodle arms, and he'll just end up washed back out to Hyrule Field. Plus, he's just really bad at the Breaststroke. It just so happens that there's a stray Cocko nearby. What luck! Twink can use it to glide over the rushing stream. This is so great, since Twink sure can't get enough of Cocko catching!

To my great relief, Twink doesn't fuck up and fall in the river like he has so many times for me in the past. He continues up the path, hopping the smaller streams and avoiding the Octoroks that shoot balls at his face. Some of the pathways wind up and over the river, and Twink can see some tempting Pieces of Ass located on some higher platforms. He holds onto the Cocko just in case it can help him reach those tough spots. Unfortunately, this means that Twink has to put up with its incessant screeching and squawking for the entire journey. He suddenly has a frightening vision of what a life with Saria and their shrieking infant would be like. And the suicidal thoughts continue.

And it gets worse, to Twink's complete unsurprise. At one point, he flings the Cocko up onto a ledge before climbing up himself. As the Cocko does its even more cacophonous dance of annoyance, Naggy starts "Hey! Listen!"ing at Twink. He wonders if he'll ever find an icepick-like weapon that he can jam in his ears to deafen himself. It might be the only way to save his sanity. "I wonder if Saria knows anything about the other Spiritual Stone!" Naggy chirps. Well, if Saria knows so God damn much about this fucking shit, maybe she should go on this adventure. Oh, right, that whole Cockiri death thing. Well, Twink's willing for her to at least try -- he sure wouldn't want to deprive her of the potential joy and prestige of being the Hero of Hyrule.

Well, what the hell, he might as well have three girlish voices shrilling at him at once. He calls up Saria on the Cockarina Phone to get her undoubtedly necessary opinion on the matter. "Twink...? This is Saria. Can you hear me?" This is a rhetorical question, as she continues to blah on about Twink's quest to find the Spiritual Stones. Well, what do you know -- turns out the third stone is the Spiritual Stone of Water owned by King Zora of Zora's Domain. Hey, that's where I'm headed already! What are the chances? Saria, Naggy, and the Retard Dot really need to coordinate their efforts in order to streamline their information transfer. Saria mentions that she knows all this shit because the Dicku Tree told her. So the Dicku Tree, despite knowing all this time that Twink was the future Hero of Hyrule, not only neglected to tell him this information, but also sent him a completely ignorant fairy as well? What, did his STD cause memory loss, or did he think it would be more "fun" and "challenging" for Twink to track down all this information on his own? Either way, another big "fuck you" (and not in the good way) to the corpse of the Dicku Tree. Jerk.

 
The bad news: Twink just got hit on by a group of frogs. The good news: They're an improvement over most of the losers he's met so far in Hyrule.

Sometime during this pointless dialogue, the Cocko disappeared, although Twink can still hear it clucking obnoxiously somewhere. Fuck. Twink nearly gives up and heads into Zora's Domain, but he finds another Piece of Ass sparkling at him seductively. God damn it. He backtracks all the way to the beginning of the area, since he has the sinking suspicion that the asshat Cocko somehow managed to teleport back to its starting spot.

Since I taped this footage months ago, I'm not sure if Twink accidentally fell in the water or if he did it on purpose since it's the fastest way back to the beginning, but either way, he lets the current carry him. I can't even properly describe the horror he experiences when he floats past the bombable boulder area and the game stops him for a cut scene. Blathers, who as you'll recall flew away from the stone pillar and back to his Twink Love Nest, is back. Not only that, but he repeats the exact same dialogue from the previous encounter. I can only conclude that this is a bug in the game, and I sincerely hope that some game designer was fired for this. Adding to the pain of having to sit through another nonconsensual session of Blathers's Twink lust -- as if that weren't bad enough -- is the fact that it just turned to night, and Blathers appears as a dark silhouette against a purplish sky. Only his greedy, rapacious eyes are visible in the darkness. Creepy. Oh, and the Cocko is still clucking in the background, to add insult to injury.

EEEEEEEK!
 

After Blathers departs for the second fucking time, Twink manages to climb out of the water and grab the magical teleporting Cocko yet again. For all his ridiculous efforts, he does manage to snag one of the Pieces of Ass. He doesn't know whether the other one is off limits or if he just hasn't tried hard enough, but he doesn't care at this point. Either way, he chucks the Cocko into the raging waters, which does wonders for his mood, even though he knows that little dickcheese will warp right back to the beginning of the area because it's a Cocko wizard.

Whew. At last, Twink makes it to the entrance of Zora's Domain. Normally, Twink might be deterred by the fact that said entrance is hidden behind an obnoxiously large waterfall. However, the raised walkway directly in front of the waterfall has a strategically placed "Play your Cockarina here, fucko" symbol carved into it. Plus, Blathers told him as much four times, so Twink supposes no one will buy his excuse that he couldn't figure out a way to get into Zora's Domain and had to give up on his journey. Too bad.

The camera goes all crazy drunkard when Twink blows his instrument, just so we can see the amazing graphical wonders of the waterfall parting and the nearby walkways framing it artistically. Twink waits for the animation to finish, then hops over to the entrance and prepares himself for...well, he doesn't even know what at this point. All he knows is that it's probably something terrible and it probably involves a vagina.

Imagine Twink's surprise when he enters a watery tropical paradise. Soothing steel drum music adds to the atmosphere, somewhat muffled by the roar of a waterfall cascading into the lake that fills the cavern. Along with a short intro animation, the Location Text God informs us that Twink has, in fact, entered Zora's Domain. Crap, I suddenly got amnesia and forgot where Twink is! Oh good, there's a sign directly in front of him that reads "Zora's Domain." Crisis averted!

Instead of following the walkway that leads along the edge of the cavern and up some stairs, Twink takes the plunge into the warm water of the crystal clear lake. I'm really only guessing at the temperature of the water, but where I am it's fucking cold right now, so leave me to my fantasies, all right? As Twink works off his extra back fat by swimming, he reaches a rock platform in the middle of the lake. And on that platform is a rather interesting individual.

 
Well, hello there, sailor.

This man...person...fish...thing is a Zora. More importantly, he -- or she -- is completely, totally, buck naked. As we all know, Twink's not above a little bestiality, so it's not like it's out of character for him to be checking out this fish dude, but...well, Twink's a little wary. He's been burned before as far as guessing the gender of different characters goes. The Zora's nakedness isn't as much of an advantage as it would seem in terms of figuring it out. See, while it has a rather masculine build, with pecs rather than a pair of giant hooters, it -- how can I put this politely? -- appears to be missing a rather essential male body part. I'm referring, naturally, to the penis. I don't want to be unclear. With the fish tail growing out of the back of its head, the wing-like fins on its arms, and the overall white and green spotted body, the Zora has enough anatomical differences from Twink himself that he just can't make a determination. Damn it!

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