Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time : Part 1
1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6
Sadly, we don't find out. But the Dicku Tree does launch right into a story about the three goddesses. Every time I play this game I totally ignore this dumb Sunday School lesson because I want to run around slicing shit, not sit through cut scenes. For the sake of recapping, I have to pay attention, though. Lame.
Okay, a really fucking long time ago, before creation itself, three goddesses made out of solid gold "descended upon the chaos that was Hyrule." Except that Hyrule didn't yet exist, so the chaos was just chaos, I would presume. And no, that doesn't mean that the universe has a giant wiener. Well, maybe it does. I'm not the crack addict who designed this game, I'm just the recapper. Anyway, the three goddesses were the same colors as the three rings in the VGR logo, so I guess I use the same unimaginative color scheme as game designers. That makes me feel awesome.
|Twink wishes he had strong, flaming arms.
The names and specialties of the three goddesses were as follows: Din (pink), goddess of power; Nayru (blue), goddess of wisdom; and Farore (green), goddess of courage. HEY WAIT A MINUTE! Those are totally the same as the three Triforce pieces! Holy shit! I get it! Incidentally, that means Ganondorf matches up with the pink one. So evil! We see somewhere around ten billion shots of goddesses plunging through the stratosphere accompanied by colored explosions. Then comes the story of Hyrule's creation, which will undoubtedly be contradicted several times in other Zelda games and this one as well, for good measure.
Each of the three goddesses apparently had a hand in this creation. Din made the earth itself, while Nayru "gave the spirit of law to the world." I'm not sure what that means, but I'm going to make a wild guess that she created Hyrule's Law of Homosexuality. Because I would say that's the main law of the world. Along with other well-known laws such as "NPCs talk way too damn much" and "Jeanne sucks at this game." Farore, the companion goddess to Twink's piece of the Triforce, created all life. So we can thank her for such lovely individuals as the Zee Fleet guy and Midol.
Once the goddesses checked off all the items on their "To Create" list, they headed back to the heavens in a trio of color-coded ejaculations, leaving behind a perfectly-formed Triforce in the spot where they collided. "Since then, the sacred triangles have become the basis of our world's providence," the Dicku Tree blahs. So basically, the Triforce is Jesus. Get it -- three parts to the Triforce, on the third day Jesus rose from the dead? This is deep stuff, people. The Dicku Tree finishes this story by informing Twink that the Triforce is located in the Sacred Realm. Except that he just said that about a minute and a half ago, so way to be anticlimactic.
The camera pulls back out of the Dicku Tree's mouth like we were watching some kind of movie screen projected on the back of his throat. "Thou must never allow
Ganondorf GANONDORF, FOR CHRISSAKES the desert man in black armor to lay his hands on the sacred Triforce..." the Dicku Tree says, implying that Twink should not let Ganondorf into his Sacred Realm. I'm talking about his butt.
The Dicku Tree wastes several screens of text repeating this warning and reiterating that Ganondorf is evil. He throws another reminder in there about the curse, too, just so we don't get confused and think that the Kokiri Shop Owner cursed the Dicku Tree. "Because of that curse, my end is nigh..." the Dicku Tree whines. Hey, wait just a God damn minute! Twink risked his life, getting dive-bombed by spiders and dealing with Naggy's retarded "hints" for no reason whatsoever? The Dicku Tree affirms this, saying that although Twink succeeded in removing the curse and that's totally cool and stuff, he was still fucked from the start. Asshole.
For a dying forest guardian, the Dicku Tree sure can talk. He drones on and on about his impending death and his extreme relief over imparting all this boring and repetitive exposition to Twink, finishing with more crap about how Twink is Hyrule's Only Hope™. "Twink... Go now to Hyrule Castle... There, thou will surely meet the Princess of Destiny..." I'm sure the promise of meeting a princess makes this task sound ten thousand times more appealing to Twink, especially with such a Mary-Sueish title as "Princess of Destiny." Honestly, can the Dicku Tree not call people by their actual names? We all know he's talking about Zelda and Ganondorf, so when he tries to be all enigmatic about it, he just sounds like a dumbass. As a parting gift to Twink, the Dicku Tree magically summons the Kokiri Emerald, a gorgeous green jewel in a gold setting. According to the Dicku Tree, this Spiritual Stone was the whole reason behind
Ganondorf's "that man"'s curse. I think anyone with a fraction of a brain cell could see that filling a tree up with spiders is not the most effective way to retrieve a hidden jewel from said tree. But what do I know? I'm not evil, just a sad, sexually deprived 12-year-old with a tiny schlong.
|Yeah, I'll try not to.
The game designers, impressed with their 3D graphics, cause the camera to linger on the Kokiri Emerald for what seems like an eternity, before transferring the action back to the Dicku Tree. "The future depends upon thee, Twink... Thou art courageous..." he repeats for the fiftieth time, hitting us with two different plot mallets at once. With his dying words -- finally! -- the Dicku Tree commands Naggy to accompany Twink throughout the rest of his journey. Well, that's just the diarrhea icing on a multilayered shit cake.
With a creaking sound, the Dicku Tree hardens, turning completely to stone. Unfortunately for his corpse, he forgot to close his mouth, so anyone can stick any old thing in there. Twink ponders doing the respectful thing and closing the dead tree's mouth for him, but then he remembers that the Dicku Tree spent the entire day dicking him around. Eternal nonconsensual blowjobs it is, then!
Naggy doesn't spare a single word or thought for her fallen guardian, instead chirping, "Let's go to Hyrule Castle, Twink!!" This is going to be a long game, Twink realizes with a sigh. Oh, then Naggy says her respectful goodbye to the Dicku Tree. The camera lingers on the Dicku Tree's dead, gapemouthed husk as Twink runs offscreen. If Twink had a Picto Box in this game, he'd probably stick around long enough to take a lewd picture of himself defiling the Dicku Tree's corpse, just for revenge. Alas.
A Generic Black Screen brings us back to the entrance of the meadow, where Midol accuses Twink of murdering the Dicku Tree. Okay, let's just assume that Midol automatically knows of the tree's death, despite not seeing it for himself, and he also has no clue that the Dicku Tree suffered from a magical curse. Let's say he also managed to tune out the undoubtedly loud conversation between the Dicku Tree and Twink. That's pretty much the only way he could assume that Twink is responsible for the tree's death. Even so, Midol's lukewarm smackdown and his casual stroll offscreen don't indicate any sort of actual caring or urgency on his part. What, no angry mobs and pitchforks?
Twink only talks to a few Kokiri on his way out of the forest, but they, too, seem similarly unfazed over their guardian's death. Midol himself, now hanging out on the stage in his house, freaks over Twink barging into his inner sanctum, but still no hissyfits over the Dicku Tree. Brinco, taking a break from his amorous activities for the moment, comments on Midol's shitty mood and wonders what happened. Okay, so everyone in this forest is retarded, and Twink's not about to incriminate himself in any way by explaining the situation. Good thing he's getting the fuck out of there.
At the exit, the dude who previously blocked Twink's path now mysteriously stands off to the side. He's still all, "Death and destruction to any Kokiri who leave!!!" but he no longer feels the need to enforce this rule. This has to be a tough decision for Twink. On one hand, the Dicku Tree told him to leave the village, and the Dicku Tree wouldn't trick him into dying a horrible, sudden death, right? On the other hand, the Dicku Tree also saddled him with an annoying female fairy, then forced him to complete a useless dungeon crawl before showering him with boring exposition. In other words, Twink doesn't exactly trust his judgment. Before Twink can ponder his fate too long, I pick up the controller and force him out the door.
Twink has to cross a wooden bridge through the forest before he officially enters Hyrule. Unfortunately, his stalker Saria awaits him on that very bridge. She acts all surprised that he's leaving, like she just happened to be on the bridge and wasn't waiting for him at all! Really! Then she breaks down and admits that she always knew he'd leave one day. "Because you are different from me and my friends...." she says. This could be interpreted as a shout-out to Twink's homosexuality, but a) that would entail Saria not being a clueless Mary Sue and b) it wouldn't make sense to say that Twink is different from the other Kokiri because most if not all the boys are gay, too. So she must be talking about the plot twist I'm about to spoil for you where we find out that Twink isn't actually a Kokiri. I hope you don't hate me for jumping ahead like that and ruining the entire game for you. Saria pathetically continues, "But that's OK, because we'll be friends forever... won't we?" I can't even snark on that because it's just so sad.
My embarrassed cringing is interrupted by Saria presenting a gift to Twink. The camera does a close-up on an object in Saria's hands, and -- Jesus, I'm not kidding here, people -- she's holding an enlongated, pinkish-beige object. The pointy mouthpiece and holes in the side prevent it from exactly resembling a natural-colored dildo, but it's still inappropriate. This, Saria says, is the Fairy Cockarina. It sure is. Twink grabs it away from her and holds it in front of his face, examining every contour as the thing freaking sparkles. It couldn't get any gayer if it started shooting rainbow-colored beams out of the tip and blasting a Cher song.
The Mysterious Item Describer wastes my time with Cockarina playing instructions while Saria beams at Twink, totally misinterpreting his interest in the object. She thinks he's getting all sentimental and misty over her. "When you play my [Cockarina], I hope you will think of me and come back to the forest to visit," Saria begs. Uh, yeah, he'll get right on that. As Saria continues to stare at Twink with her wide, obsessive eyes, the funniest thing happens. Twink starts to back away slowly, then turns around and bolts through the exit like the hounds of hell are on his tail. Holy crap, girls are scary. And Twink ain't seen nothing yet.
|Run, Twink, run!
After Twink's rapid departure, the camera focuses on Saria's blank, staring eyes, then pulls out to show her standing all alone on the bridge, looking out the exit. I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to feel embarrassed for her or creeped out. Seriously, Twink still doesn't know that he's not an actual Kokiri, so that means he'd rather face potential death by leaving the forest than share a Special Moment with Saria.
Out in Hyrule proper, the camera pans over a large, grassy field ringed by rock walls. Twink stands at the end of the hollow log that serves as the entrance to the forest, and since he doesn't appear dead, that must mean that he's in the clear. WHEW. Hyrule Field contains a host of thrilling locations and features, but sadly for Twink, he'll have to wait until Part 2 to explore. Hey, it can't be worse than the Great Sea.
Join Sam next time as she has to deal with the game's obligatory sneaking mission. Not that I'm smug or anything. See you in Part 3!