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"Grossberg won't answer that, and he won't represent Maya, either. Phoenix would yell at him, or stomp out in a huff, but then he wouldn't get to go over the room with his interior designer's eye, and we can't have that."
     -Sam, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Part 2

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Tales of Destiny : Part 2
By Ben
Posted 01.25.06
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
As opposed to a legal one?
Why would anyone mistake Aslan for an "illegal alien"?
Come human could be as dumb as Aslan, right?
That hair could be hiding an abnormally-sized skull and a few extra eyes.
Somebody witnessed his crash-landing in the Draconis escape pod. "OMG, a flying saucer!!!111"
He enjoys giving anal probes.


But before he can, Sword of Snark makes his presence known after an absence all too long. "You're not using your brain, Aslan," he chides, echoing what I've been screaming at the TV practically since I turned the PSX on. And another thing -- you mean he actually has one?! These shocks can't be doing my heart any good. Aslan is all "Wha?", and I just know that if SoS had eyes, he'd surely be rolling them right now. Another thing we have in common. "You should have used that guy's passport to get out of town!" he continues, reassuring me that I'm not the only one who's morally-bankrupt. I can't tell you how much better about myself that makes me feel. Aslan replies that, duh, the Phandarian passport wouldn't have been any use to him anyway, as he's headed for Seinegald. Snarky doesn't plunge himself into Aslan's heart (a pity, that) but instead tells him that he needs to get out of town somehow. Knowing that he's losing an argument against a talking sword, Aslan pulls the "I'm morally superior, biatch!" card and asks SoS if nobody taught him that it's wrong to steal. Uh, Aslan, in case you've forgotten (and that wouldn't surprise me), he's a sword. I doubt he went to Sunday school. Besides, as the sword himself says: "This wouldn't be stealing. It's something that someone dropped. Finders keepers."

'Oh, woe is me! Won't you ask me what's wrong???'

So there. Aslan still doesn't agree, causing Sword of Snark to re-sheath himself in a huff. I just hope he doesn't stay quiet for too long -- he's the only voice of reason and logic in this smorgasbord of stupidity. Aslan leaves the Inn, and bumps -- literally -- into the sprite of a powerfully-built red-haired woman, who promptly collapses dramatically into the snow. Oh, please. Are we meant to believe that Aslan could knock anyone down, let alone a chick with the physique of Vin Diesel? Having said that, his hair probably adds a pound or thirty to his body mass. The woman -- currently under the imaginative name of ???? -- replies "I'm sorry...I wasn't paying any attention to you because I've got a lot on my mind." Really? Then tell a fucking therapist and not some wild-haired stranger you just bumped into. Really, I don't know anything about this character yet, but we're already off to a bad start due to that little attention-whoring episode. It just strikes me as being similar to saying to a total stranger: "Hi! I'm having a really shitty day and don't have anybody to talk to. Please ask me if I'm alright so I can unload all of my problems onto you!"

Or maybe it was just a clumsily-written piece of dialogue. Potato, potahto. "To be honest, I'm in trouble," ???? continues. Okay, looks like I was right the first time. Aslan, more charitable than I would probably be in such a situation, asks why this mysterious statuesque woman is in trouble. Something involving illegal bodybuilding supplements, perhaps? "Actually, what I should have said is that my friend is in serious trouble..." ???? replies. Christ on a carousel, get to the point. I'm sure Aslan will be roped in to your personal wank quest, so let's keep things as painless as possible and get it over with. Amazingly, ???? does actually get to the point. Maybe she isn't a lost cause after all. "My friend was caught in a trap inside the ruins by the snow mountain," she reveals. If this turns out to be a Nash-style 'trap', I'm turning the game off. Aslan agrees to help her faster than Squall agreeing to scrub Seifer's back in the shower, coaxing her to reveal her name to be "Mary Argent". She graciously allows Aslan to just use her first name. I'm sure his gratitude is infinite, Mary.

Next follows a scene in which SoS voices his concerns. After all, wasn't Aslan desperate to get to Seinegald not five minutes ago? Aslan replies that he can't possibly ignore a plea for help, especially from a woman with bigger biceps than him. Watching the whole conversation with a bemused look, Mary asks if Aslan is talking to himself. I can sense another running joke. Hopefully this one won't be tired by its second use! After a quick detour to the supply shop, Aslan and Mary leave Janos the same way he came in. It doesn't take long for them to find a hidden passageway leading to a cave which, according to Mary, leads to the temple her friend is trapped in. Being able to just waltz into the temple would be too simple, wouldn't it? "You'll find the temple after you get through this cave. Like I said before, my friend is trapped there," Mary repeats. Uh, I think we get it now, Mary. Also, the use of "you" in that sentence seems odd, considering how they're both going to the temple. Don'tcha just love the localization team?

Now, I know this is saying a lot, but the Tunnel-to-the-Temple has to be the dullest cave dungeon I've ever had the pleasure of recapping. Seriously, it's just...nothing. The most interesting thing in the whole area is a strange erection (okay, maybe that choice of word was misguided) which looks like the bastard offspring of a crucifix and a crescent moon. It doesn't seem to do anything, and I have no idea whether it will come into play later in the game, so for now I leave it alone and snatch an item called 'Channeling' from the treasure box next to it. A quick peek at GameFaqs tells me that this item, when equipped, allows a second player to control one of the secondary party members during battle. Alternatively, it can be sold for oodles of cash. Which one do you think I'll choose? I'll give you a clue. Aslan and Mary currently own the princely sum of 122 gald. A single 'restore to life' item costs 150 gald. Figure it out.

The duo continue through the Tunnel of Dull, as I prop my eyelids open with matchsticks. God, even the random battle monsters are nothing more interesting than generic slugs and will-o-wisps, which are quickly vanquished by Mary (her presence in battle renders Aslan pretty much redundant, q'uelle surprise). Eventually they emerge in the lowest depths of the temple. It looks generically temple-y. And now the battle monsters are no longer mere slugs, but...Jellies. We've entered dangerous territory, folks. Soon, Aslan and Mary come across a roughly cross-shaped stone walkway over a body of nicely sparkling water. At the west and east points of the cross stand small stone monoliths with a single hole in the top (and indeed, if you squint, they look vaguely phallic. But we're talking small penises here). A larger penis monolith levitates at the north point of the cross. Yes, this is relevant. As Aslan and Mary get closer, they see that a young woman is trapped in a transparent trapezohedron floating above the larger penis monolith. Okay, it probably isn't a trapezohedron -- I can't make out how many sides it has -- but I just liked the alliteration, okay? Cut me some slack over here. "Rutee!" Mary cries, telling us that the chick in the trap is her friend and not just some random girl. I sure was confused until now. Rutee demands to know where Mary ran off to. Uh, to get help? "Mary, is this your friend?" Aslan asks. No, she's her fucking gardener. "Let's save the introductions for later! Just get me out of here now!!!" Rutee interrupts, sparing us all from more of Aslan's babbling. Wankfest averted...for now.


Finally everyone seems to agree that standing around isn't going to get Rutee down from her airborne prison, as Mary instructs Aslan to stand in front of the eastern penis monolith. She approaches the western monolith and prepares for the next step of the instructions. But before she can tell Aslan not to press the button on the pedestal, you know what happens? You'll never guess. Seriously, this is straight out of left-field. Aslan presses the button! Oh, this game never stops surprising me. Before Aslan can dive for cover, he is propelled into the air and trapped, just like Rutee. Speaking of Rutee, she seems to be as pissed off as I am regarding Aslan's infinite stupidity. "Hey! What do you two think you're doing?!" she screams. Aslan and Mary, flustered, try to placate her, but to no avail. "I don't believe this. @#$%!! Is your head just an ornament?!" she yells, venom pouring from every word. Another snarky character who hates Aslan? There is a God after all! Rutee and SoS should just do away with Aslan and Mary, then the rest of the game would be about their snark-filled adventures. That would be so cool.

'But Mary, how can I change the habit of a lifetime?'

"Hey, look who's talking! I don't need verbal abuse from someone suspended in midair," Aslan retorts, apparently forgetting that he's suspended in midair too. Rutee calls him on this, only for Mary to step in and tell them both to knock it off. Oh, Mary, you're no fun. For reasons I can't fathom, Mary decides to free Aslan, and all it takes is another press of the forbidden button for him to be safely back on terra firma. She then resumes her position at the westernmost penis and tells Aslan not to blow it this time. Heh. This time, Aslan's alleged brain kicks into action, and he manages to press his penis button at the same time Mary pushes hers. This disables Rutee's trap, and the spunky snark-ette is soon back on her feet. She tells Mary that they should take what they came for, then get the hell out of here. Aslan asks her if she's going to thank him (for what? Pushing a button? Give him the Purple Heart!), to which she simply replies "Are you crazy?!". I love her. Rutee continues that she never asked Aslan for help, and besides, "who's the wonderboy that got trapped and had to be rescued by Mary?". Aslan is speechless (all those big words like "trapped" and "rescued" have probably thrown him for six), even when three soldiers appear and accost the party.

After calling the trio "scum" and telling them they have some explaining to do, the soldier clones seem ready to attack. Rutee gives a typically spunky response -- "You sound like a bunch of thieves trying to snatch other people's treasure!". Rutee hon, do the words 'pot' and 'kettle' mean anything to you? The three clones are incensed at the accusation of being thieves, but just as they're about to reveal who they really are, Mary interrupts with a roar of "Just shut your trap and come and get us if you dare!" She scares me. The clones rush forward to begin an impromptu boss battle, which is easily won (Aslan, for some reason, does all the work this time while Mary and Rutee stand at the back checking their makeup). The clones quickly retreat, leading Rutee to have a virtual orgasm. Yeah, you go girl, watching someone wipe the floor with three generic soldiers. "This guy might be useful after all..." she thinks to herself. If she's talking about Aslan, she isn't as sharp as I'd hoped. She turns to the lion-maned vessel of dumb and thanks him for saving her...for, like, the second time and stuff. Aslan's all "what did I do to deserve this outpouring of gratitude all of a sudden?!", completely missing the blinking red neon sign above Rutee's head reading "I HAVE A HIDDEN AGENDA!". After some more priceless banter, Aslan agrees to accompany the girls back to town. "Travelling is fun with more people. The more the merrier!" Mary chirps, giving me a distinct 'swinger' vibe. Also, her obvious mental disorder makes me want to run away very fast. The woman doesn't say anything for entire scenes, then will suddenly launch into talkative mode, switching between 'little girl' and 'raging beastwoman' at warp 7 speed.

This girl sure is dressed for the icy climate of Phandaria, huh?

After leaving the temple through another exit and battling through the snowfields for what feels like several eternities, the party find themselves entering Janos via the northern exit. Well, ain't that handy! Upon entering the town, Aslan is stopped by one of the guards, who gives him a passport. "Here is your passport. If you lose it, you won't be able to re-enter Seinegald," he reveals. Um, what? Isn't the whole concept of passports about needing one to cross a border and enter another country -- not, you know, being handed one by a guard every time you enter town? Whatever. Rutee drags the others over to the first place every adventurer worth his or her salt should go: the One Million Roses Tavern. They all sit at the table previously occupied by The Black Wings (personally, I would check the seats for stains) and Rutee, never one to beat about the bush, asks Aslan where he's going. When asked if he's "going to join the army or something" (Rutee, are you insane? That would require a haircut!) Aslan replies in the negative. Curiously, this silences Rutee for a while. But not too long. "By the way, where are you from?" she continues. Aslan tells her he's from a village called Lienea, in deepest Fitzgald, wherever that is. Rutee seems simultaneously horrified and overcome with mirth about this, screaming "That're a country boy!" "Who're you calling a country boy?!" Aslan fires back. Here's a clue, Aslan. She's talking to the guy who just said he comes from the country. I know your brain cell may not be able to cope, but please try to comprehend this fact. Rutee, finally realising her sparring partner has the mental capacity of a sausage dog, spells it out for him -- "You, it's Y...O...U!". Don't confuse the lad, Rutee. I don't think he's gotten that far along in the alphabet yet. She now mentions that the only place in Fitzgald worth visiting is somewhere called Neuestadt, and declares she's never heard of Aslan's podunk hometown. Desperately trying to gain the upper hand in this argument, he turns the tables on her and asks where she is from. "Why, I, I was born into a good family in Seinegald!" Rutee exclaims. Yeah, sure you were. In other news, I hear Hades is experiencing record cold spells this January!

Looks like Rutee doesn't do 'coy'.

Thankfully changing the subject, Rutee bluntly asks to see Aslan's sword. Aslan doesn't say much of anything, but his thoughts are clearly "WTF? I don't whip it out for just anybody, bitch!". Before he can say this, Rutee slams her own blade onto the table and tells him to pick it up. "Go ahead and speak, Atwight!" she commands the sword. And dutifully, it does. "How do you do, Aslan?" it says politely. Aslan -- the guy who's spent the past two hours holding intimate conversations with his own weapon -- is shocked that the sword can speak. We find out that yes, huge shock here, Rutee is a fellow Swordian-wielder. Her Swordian, Atwight, is already acquainted with SoS, yet Aslan refuses to believe that his lover/sword isn't the only Swordian in existence. God, I really hate him in this recap. Sword of Snark, showing more patience than usual, tells us what we already know about Swordians. Again. Weapons created in ancient times, blah blah, sentient, yadda yadda, only their users can hear their voices, zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Aslan asks if what SoS told him earlier is true -- was he chosen to hold him? Atwight butts in and remarks that Snarky hasn't changed a bit -- he's still good at fooling people. Aslan is crushed that he wasn't really chosen, and that SoS lied to him. You know, I actually feel a little sorry for him here, especially as he seems too dense to even fully realise that he's been taken for a ride. "Looks like you've been had!" Rutee crows. Shut up, Rutee.

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