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  -Part 1 :: [09.05.05]
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"Anyway, the shocking strategy is to attack Gohma with the sword after stunning her. I would make a snide remark about the obviousness of such information, but then I realize that Naggy's own contribution would probably be something like, 'You should try to defeat the boss!!!' So this is a brilliant strategy in comparison."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 1




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Eternal Darkness : Part 1
By Jeanne
Posted 09.05.05
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
Next in the Tour of Oddities, Alex notices a Photoshop-filtered painting of yet another phallic protrusion -- this one sticking straight out instead of straight up. It's good to mix things up a bit when it comes to the penisy pictures, I suppose. RETD blathers something about an ancient, ginormous city, like we're going to notice anything after spotting that giant erection.

The next Photoshop-filtered painting features a third architectural phallus, this one located in the middle of a lush jungle. Oh, and the entrance to the building appears rather vaginal. Try to wrap your brains around that one. "It seems to be a temple in Asia, perhaps from Thailand or Cambodia," RETD deduces. Good thing he's well versed in architectural history, because I would never have figured that shit out. Especially since I'm still trying to figure how a vagina gets embedded in a penis. Hey, I'm just a hormonal boy with sexual issues -- leave me alone.

An oversized ancient mask sits somewhat precariously on a nearby easel. RETD describes it thus: "The face is serene in composure, with a faint hint of a smile tugging at the corners of the mouth and the eyes closed in deep meditation." Don't listen to him -- the mask has a blowjob mouth. Who hired this guy anyway? Is there a shortage of good exposition providers in the biz?

 
I think they sell those at the local adult store.

At last, Alex reaches the final image. Just to keep us on our toes, this one is not phallic. Instead, it's a creepy gothic cathedral. RETD takes several sentences to convey this exact concept, which I shall spare you. What a fucking jabbermouth. When you manage to outjabber me, that's saying something.

Like I said, there are no more images, but Alex finds one last frame. This one contains a really freaking old page full of unreadable writing. So it must be the Kingdom Hearts script. Before I can get depressed over my inability to read this undoubtedly fascinating document, RETD makes sure to inform me that, "Perhaps, if Alex had some kind of Tome it could be deciphered." Okay, but where can I get one of those?

Oh. It looks like there's one over on the desk. I almost didn't see it there. God, game designers. Instead of searching for her grandfather's murderer, Alex decides to sit down for a little storytime with the gross book. Man, she is so not getting anything in the will. Oddly, this book bound in flesh and bone doesn't contain a nice little romance tale or even a drawn-out fantasy epic. In actuality, its very contents cause Alex to hallucinate in a confusing, difficult-to-recap montage. Sigh.

The camera goes on a drunken, spastic journey past a many-armed statue of a chick standing in front of a huge, purple blob with a tooth-ringed Goatse orifice in the center. A split-second flash of carved-stone hallway followed by a penisy tower -- complete with scaffolding, for her pleasure -- culminates in a gruesome image of a ginormous phallic worm about to envelop some poor, cringing dude like he's a human catheter.

This completely sensible series of images somehow freaks Alex the fuck out. She lets out a shriek, grabbing her head. Now she knows what it's like to be a recapper. And, like a recapper, Alex does not back down in the face of sanity-destroying stories. Bravely -- or stupidly, but I prefer to think of it as brave -- Alex keeps on reading. It's certainly cheaper than LSD. And guaranteed to be packed full of penises.

A random male voice begins narrating, sounding like a regular guy, albeit pretentious. "I had no knowledge of what was to come, nor did I care. How the knowledge changed me, it will also change you. As you read this, you will come to learn fear as I have. You, too, will come to understand or you will perish." Well, that's some drama-queeny Wankese. If the speaker shows up in mismatched overalls, I'm ending this recap.

The view switches from the fascinating shot of Alex reading the book to the cover of said book once again sliding away to reveal a chapter title. Wait, if this whole thing started with the book opening on Alex, does this mean that we are supposedly reading a flesh-and-bone book about Alex reading a flesh-and-bone book? How deep and multi-layered. I believe I will write a term paper on this.

This chapter is titled "The Chosen One," and its Photoshop-filtered image features a dude facing some other dudes. I know I'm hooked already. "To think that once I could not see beyond the veil of our reality," our random narrator wanks on. "To see those who dwell behind. My life now has purpose, for I have learned the frailty of flesh and bone. I was once a fool..." Oookay. This must all be very meaningful, because I haven't got a fucking clue what's going on.

The image, labeled with "Ancient Persia, 25 B.C." becomes life-sized and unfiltered, revealing the men in more detail. The first dude is a Roman Centurion, clad in a fabulous red-feather headdress, red skirt, and sandals. His name, according to the instruction book, is Pious Augustus. Which isn't exactly breaking out of the stereotypical names for ancient Roman characters. But that's okay, because I'm not planning on letting him keep his name. Oh come on, like I'm going to be handed a name with five letters, beginning with P and ending with S and not rename him Penis? What kind of willpower do you think a tiny-schlonged pre-adolescent British homosexual has?

The other two dudes appear to be random soldiers of no consequence, rather like Bob and Schtolteheim Reinbach from Final Fantasy VII. Hey, instant names! In Latin, Penis Assthrustus blahs on to the others about uninteresting shit meant to indicate that he is their superior. Like that flamboyant helmet didn't already do so. He mentions something about a battle, and their mission, and maybe if I wasn't totally fucking ignorant about world history, I could give some pertinent information on what he's referring to. Maybe I'll look something up online so that I seem all smart and shit. Or maybe I'll just be a lazy fuck.

We get our first shot of Penis Assthrustus's face, only to find out that he looks like...well, he kind of looks like Russell Crowe. At least that was my first impression. It's not like it matters -- stick with me for a little while and you'll see why. Gradually, the Latin dialogue fades into plain English so that I don't have to feel like I'm attending a Catholic mass. Insert your own pedophile joke here. This is the last time that the game designers bother with the language authenticity, so I think we're supposed to assume that everyone's just speaking their native languages throughout the rest of the game and not, as it may seem, English.

Back to our fascinating plot. Bob complements Penis on his manly battle abilities before running off to masturbate. Schtolty, on the other hand, prefers conversation. "Do you believe that it really exists, Centurion?" he wonders. Since the game designers don't see fit to fill me in on what he's talking about, I'm just going to make something up. Scholty is, of course, referring to that most legendary of ancient treasures -- he is speaking of the five-inch diameter buttplug. "I do not doubt our Emperor's beliefs, or his orders," Penis bullshits, "But if we are to retrieve the artifact, then we must be strong, and patient." That's right -- the Five-Inch Buttplug must be earned.

Schtolty, somewhat disappointed, grabs his phallic weapon and stalks off, possibly to join Bob in his jackin' session. Alone with his thoughts of the mighty Buttplug, Penis starts to hear voices. "Come to us, [Penis Assthrustus]..." a friendly man entreats him. Just kidding, it's another random creepy dude. Surprise! Creepy voices might dissuade a lesser man, but Penis is not about to give up so easily on that Buttplug.

Penis trudges on for a while, through the sands and past various ruins, only drawing out his Gladius (Whoa! Coincidence!) when he hears a creepy chick talking to him. Now that shit's scary. Girls. Ew. Finally -- meaning a few seconds later, for us grateful gamers -- Penis reaches that most sacred of places. I am referring, of course, to the phallic pillars from the game's cover art and the opening montage. The camera caresses each penis lovingly, taking special care to show the symbols branded into one of them. Yeowch! The three symbols are, of course, the same three symbols as in the Pokemon-colored circles back at the Roivas mansion. Thanks to my brain's disturbing tendencies, I immediately get the mental image of some dude tattooing starter Pokemon on his wang. Thanks, brain!

PENISES AGAIN!
 

Penis, enraptured by the grandeur of the five penis pillars, moves forward to stand directly in the center of the penta-wang. Bad move. These phalluses haven't been touched for years and the mere presence of such a fabulous figure sends them over the edge. A white orb forms at each tip, expanding into beams shooting out in all directions. The glowing beams connect the adjacent pillars in a pentagon shape, but more importantly, all five of them produce spectacular moneyshots that simultaneously hit Penis in the face. And bukkake is born.

Apparently, the penis pillars are full of teleportational jizz. Penis doesn't even get to clean himself off before finding himself inside an ancient-looking chamber. Or maybe it's brand-spanking new for the times. Once again, not exactly a history expert here. The Middle Eastern chanting in the background of the torchlit chamber adds more ambience. Of the creepy variety. I know, look surprised.

This is where I gain control of Penis Assthrustus. See, Eternal Darkness is not the type of game where you're stuck controlling the same character for the entire time. This has its good and bad points, which I'll get to later. For now, I could do much worse than a trained soldier wielding a pointy penisy weapon.

A ladder in the center of the chamber leads down, down into the depths. Penis figures that since he's already faced creepy chick voices and a bukkake barrage, everything else should be cake. Ignoring the ever-present RETD's warnings, he descends into the torchlit tunnel.

He finds the carved stone walls rather picturesque, but the shriveled skeleton on the floor really takes away from the ambience. Doesn't anyone ever clean up in here? God. Penis is not in the mood for beef jerky, so he leaves the poor withered bastard behind. A moment later, something catches his eye at the end of the tunnel. The camera swoops in on said object as well. It's...a small stone block with a glowing symbol on it! Even though it's a far cry from any sort of buttplug -- well, unless you're really desperate -- Penis tenses up into a battle stance, like he's gotta fucking have it. Everyone's got their kinks, I suppose.

But oh noes! Another beef jerky skeleton lying next to the block suddenly rises to its feet, sensing the presence of a Buttplug seeker. Though the zombie looks like it would crumble into dust with the slightest breeze, it lets out this deep tiger-esque growl. That's like Tidus being voiced by Barry White. Not buying it.

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