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  -Part 1 :: [06.09.04]
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"A treasure chest materializes behind Twink. One of the crimson treasure chests with spikes on it, too, telling me I'm actually going to get something good out of this, and not a fucking Joy Pendant."
     -Sam, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 7

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Final Fantasy X-2 : Part 2
By Jeanne
Posted 07.04.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
Last time, Sam took on the daunting task of recapping the first illogical hour of FFX-2. Now, I will recap the events of the last recap in four words: crack, skimpy clothes, lesbians. Since I'm now recovered from the wank overload of FFX, not to mention my subsequent death, and since the second hour of Final Fantasy X-2 could not possibly be as mind-numbingly awful as the first, I feel I can make it through this recap without killing myself. Go ahead, laugh now.

As you'll recall, the next sphere is located in Besaid. Yuna tries to put off her return to her hometown, instead talking to everyone on the bridge. When Brother moans at her creepily, like he's this close to pulling out his wiener, Yuna decides that a tongue-lashing from Lulu wouldn't be all that bad. Well, duh.

Buddy teleports Yuna to the save point just outside of the village. The first thing I notice is the penis-shaped fencepost in the foreground. Since the game designers made the absolute minimum number of changes necessary to the locations in this game, I have to assume that said fenceposts were there in Final Fantasy X and I just missed them. I guess my wangdar has become more finely-tuned in the last two years, a skill which will undoubtedly serve me well in life.


With the important stuff out of the way, Yuna heads toward the village, to show off her new lesbian pal to her old lesbian pal. This must be how a runaway feels after finally coming home, Yuna wanks, because she basically is a runaway, except for being of age and everything. This is the first time I've returned to Besaid since my journey began. I bet the place is totally different now.

The camera pans slowly up Yuna's ass, pretending to focus on our "first" glimpse of Besaid. It looks exactly the same. Only the music is new. Yuna isn't so Strong and Brave as she expresses her nervousness at returning home. "I bet, the way you took off without a word," Rikku says for our benefit, not helping Yuna a bit. "Yeah, you said it," Wakka conveniently chimes in from a few feet away, like he's just been standing there waiting for Yuna to come back for the last several months. It's totally obvious that Wakka's voice actor is out of practice with the old Wakka voice. Yuna apologizes for the trouble she caused by leaving, but suddenly Wakka doesn't really seem to give a crap about her departure. Almost like he's extra mellowed-out from something. He notices the black leather lesbian standing nearby, and Yuna introduces Paine as a fellow sphere hunter. Paine nods wordlessly, since she's a badass who doesn't like to show emotion.

Wakka isn't all that surprised to hear that Yuna is a sphere hunter, since he's heard rumors to that effect. So Yuna's identity isn't as secret as Rikku supposedly intended. Even before the whole concert fiasco took place. Wakka hits us over the head with the Yuna Is Different Hammer. Since she's said all of two lines to Wakka, I don't think he's noticing the difference in her personality, if you follow me. Yuna is different because her boobs and asscheeks are showing. Seriously, we get it. And we can't forget it.

Of course, Rikku takes this opportunity to elbow Wakka in the stomach, saying, "You haven't changed a bit, tubby!" Except unlike Another Story, the game designers have updated Wakka's character model to display this extra pudginess. I'm totally lying out my ass, of course -- he looks exactly the same as always. I'm baffled here. If the game designers didn't want to bother with a new character model in this game, when other things like Rikku's hair and Doppelwanker's character model have been updated, then why not just say he got in shape again? Or just don't mention it at all.

What the fuck is up with "tubby" Wakka?
He's not really fat -- the other characters are just messing with his mind.
What, you can't see that extra pudge? Are you blind?
The game designers spent too much time perfecting the boob and ass curvatures of the girls, so they ran out of time to update the other character models.
Pineapple bookstore headache wunderbar sheetrock cord. *puff*


This bit of nonsense is jackhammered into my skull as Wakka announces that he requires a "little more presence," since he's going to be a dad and all that. Yet another fact that we just wanted to forget. Thanks so much, game designers. I can always count on you to make me want to jam forks into my skull. As Wakka says this, he bends his knees a bit, moving his crotch into Rikku. God, that poor kid is going to be so messed up. I don't know if I'm referring to Wakka's baby or Rikku.

Yuna wants to know how long it will be until the "blessed" event, because apparently she never discussed it with Lulu. It looks like the "not talking to each other" thing started long before the Gullwings ever existed. "Any day now!" Wakka says as the camera focuses on Paine's ass. God knows if we didn't have a boob or ass shot, the fanboys might start to notice all the gaping plot holes. "Wakka, a daddy!" Rikku squeals, making it sound like that's a good thing. And let's just forget about poor Lulu, the one who's actually contributed more than five minutes to the creation of the child. "To tell the truth, I sure don't feel like one," says Captain Obvious. "I mean, how do I know how a father's supposed to act in front of his kid?" Well, the humping and the pot might be good things to eliminate, first of all.

Since Wakka has conveniently put off this whole line of thought until now, this gives Rikku the perfect chance to provoke the next bit of exposition. She wonders why Wakka doesn't just emulate his parents. You can almost hear the Record Scratch of Foot In Mouth. "Hm, don't remember 'em. Sin saw to that when I was little." Now, I realize that Rikku wasn't privy to any Wakka-And-Lulu-Dead-Parents discussions in FFX, but isn't that just a basic fact that would have come up at some point? Okay, I've got to stop thinking that anyone knows anything about anyone or anything. I'm going to drive myself insane otherwise. But I can't quite stop myself from pulling all my hair out when Yuna asks, "You don't have any spheres of them?" Christ, Yuna fucking grew up with these people. Why would she not know this? Calm thoughts, calm thoughts.

Wakka starts to say that he doesn't, but cuts off suddenly and suspiciously. Rikku asks what's up, but Wakka brushes her off, saying it's nothing. Right. He wants them to go visit Lulu, as she's been Very Worried™ about Yuna for the last several months or whatever. Wakka totally makes the word "worried" sound like some dirty innuendo. And then he walks off camera, leaving the three girls alone to visit the pregnant Lulu. Lesborrific. The camera focuses on Rikku, who looks Deep In Thought at this latest development. Bubblehead Yuna hasn't a fucking clue that anything is going on with Wakka, as she stares blankly in front of her.

As curious as I am about the undoubtedly enormous pregnant Lulu, I decide to do a round of Talk To Everyone. This doesn't take long, as the entire village is about the size of a postage stamp. And it hasn't really changed since the last game, like I said. The same people all live in the same huts, doing nothing. Even the Aurochs continue their sad, sucky existence as blitzball players. They have moved into the Crusaders' Lodge, however, since the Crusaders have left for greener pastures -- the Youth League. As you'll undoubtedly recall from my Another Story recap, the Youth League is one of the two main factions of Spira. That's one story item they kept consistent between Another Story and this game. Wow. Also, everyone in the village creams their pants over the fact that Yuna returned for a visit. These people really need to get hobbies.

Is this the same 'stamina' that Wakka passes around during practice?

Since I can manage to get lost in my own house, I accidentally end up going into Lulu's hut before I finish making my rounds. I talk to her anyway, because there's no way in hell the last couple of NPCs I missed had anything of importance to say. Plus, I think I'm going to go on a killing spree if I see one more person hump Yuna's leg.

Generally, when a woman is in the last stages of pregnancy, she has a giant, bloated belly, due to the fact that there is an entire baby in there. This seems like a pretty elementary concept, one that even a young child can understand. And as you may recall, Lulu did not appear in the Another Story epilogue, which some of us figured was because of the whole pregnancy = new character model thing. We figured that maybe Pregnant!Lulu would make her way into the sequel. However, we are all a bunch of dumbasses, since both these concepts have apparently eluded the game designers. Lulu has not changed by a single pixel since Final Fantasy X, even to the point of her wearing the belted leather dress and corset. Christ on a cracker. I think this ranks as one of the prime examples of Lazy Fucking Game Designer Syndrome in the history of gaming. Of course, if you argued that the entire freaking game is an example of this, I would have to agree with you.

The nice way of saying 'You look like a ho.'

The game designers try to be all sneaky and shit by having Lulu hunched over to hide her stomach, like we're a bunch of retards who are going to fall for that. After the usual "welcome back" stuff, Rikku demands all the details about the baby, since who gives a fuck about Lulu anymore? Well, it's in Lulu's uterus, and I imagine that's the extent of the description. "It's gonna be born soon, right?" Rikku asks. "Hm. Not yet. Wakka's getting a little ahead of himself," Lulu replies calmly. Ahead of himself by about six months, by the look of it. Rikku is majorly bummed that she won't get to deal with a shitting, screaming brat anytime soon. I'm extremely sad, too. Paine says nothing, instead ogling Lulu's half-exposed melons. Those, too, have not changed since FFX. Now you really know the game designers are lazy -- they had a real reason to make Lulu's boobs bigger and they didn't use it. Something is seriously wrong here.

Lulu wonders if anyone wants to go for a walk. Yuna seems surprised that Lulu's not a total invalid, with her grotesquely swollen abdomen and all. Lulu basically informs Yuna that pregnant ladies need exercise, too, especially ones who would otherwise be holed up with Wakka all day. How I wish I hadn't said that.

Cut to the overlook where Yuna originally said goodbye to Besaid. They must be at least a hundred feet above the village, quite an ambitious walk for a pregnant woman. We get another view of the penis posts in the foreground as the camera zooms out to show Yuna and Lulu. Lulu wonders just what the hell made Yuna run off in the first place. Conveniently, Yuna is already holding the WankSphere in her hand as Lulu asks this. Lulu mentions that Wakka told her about the WankSphere, which means that yet another story point stayed consistent from the epilogue. Is somebody recording this?

The camera zooms in on the WankSphere ominously. Oh, no. Please don't. Unfortunately for my stomach contents, my pleas go unanswered. We're forced to sit through the sphere yet again. The only thing that prevents me from jumping out my window (apart from the fact that it's on the first floor which kind of defeats the purpose) is the fact that they left out the sound. So no James Arnold Taylor screeching this go-around. Instead, the chicks discuss the origin of the sphere. Rikku mentions that Kimahri found the sphere somewhere on Mt. Gagazet. Strangely, they changed the pronunciation of Gagazet from the first game to "Ga-Ga-Zet." I'm sure it's more accurate to the Japanese version now, but it seems kind of silly to change it at this point.

Lulu, the only one with a brain here (except for possibly Paine), senses that although the guy in the sphere looks like Tightass, something "seems a little off." Not that Yuna will ever accept the possibility that this isn't Tightass. Maybe because Tightass is a little off. Lulu wonders what else they've found. According to Yuna, nothing. "But there's still a lot of places we haven't looked yet," Yuna says. Like, everywhere. I don't exactly get the idea that they've really put a lot of effort into hunting spheres. Seriously, their only saving grace appears to be that all the other sphere hunters of the world are even more incompetent. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

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