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  -Part 1 :: [02.13.02]
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  -Part 7 :: [08.29.04]
  -Part 8 :: [11.20.04]
  -Part 9 :: [04.11.05]
  -Part 10 :: [04.11.05]
  -Part 11 :: [02.17.08]

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"I get to name our hero now. I decide to name him 'Bitch' on account of the fact that he's supposed to be all tough and badass, but if he got thrown in prison, you just know he'd be someone's prison bitch before you could say 'Don't drop the soap.'"
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy VII Part 1

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Final Fantasy VII : Part 10
By Jeanne
Posted 04.11.05
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
'It's not anywhere near big enough in the chest...'

Bitch runs up the stairs as fast as his blocky legs can carry him. Whew, he's safe! He decides to talk to that other Shinra soldier over on a platform. Oh crap, it's Tita! And she's all raring to monologue about the stupid war and how much it sucks because people die. Good God. I mean, she does have a point and everything, but sometimes it's nice to expand one's conversational repertoire. Tita wants to know if Bitch agrees with her. Since he's had it up to here with annoying girls after spending a heavenly afternoon in the company of other men, Bitch snidely responds, "I don't know." "...Bitch. Wearing those clothes seems to have changed you a little. Does it remind you of being in SOLDIER? I hope not..." Tita whines. God, shut up, Tita.

Is he telling Bitch to drink seamen?

A nearby actual soldier makes all sorts of seamen innuendos in order to get Bitch to buy his supplies. I imagine that Bitch is somewhat tempted, after being away at sea with all those insecure ladies. But no, he must hunt down the rest of the group.

He finds another soldier doing the New Kids on the Block "The Right Stuff" dance back and forth across the platform. And I'm not going to embarrass myself further by explaining how I know that. The soldier in question is, of course, Gay Lion, and the New Kids Dance is how the game designers explain away the problem of fitting him in a human uniform. In spite of his early 90s boy band appearance, he thinks he makes a pretty spectacular human. Keep dreaming, Gay Lion. Bitch isn't going to do you. Unless he's had a lot to drink. And is in a fanfiction.

There's only one team member left to find, and only one area of the deck I haven't explored. Unfortunately, a dickhole soldier blocks the way to the front of the ship. I will skip over how long I tried to squeeze around him, because that shit's sad. I would blame the strategy guide for confusing me by telling me to go to the front of the ship and having an accompanying picture of this guy standing in that spot, but it's ultimately my fault for following that horrid waste of trees. And to make this even more pathetic, I've been through this game before and I can't seem to remember how to get past this. Finally, I consult good ol' GameFAQs for the answer.

Well, shit, it looks like I'm supposed to talk to Airhead again in order to clear this random guy out. Gosh, that's so intuitive, especially since her dialogue made me want to run away from her and never return. Thanks, game designers! So what sparkling piece of wisdom does Airhead offer me here? "Hey, Bitch. Did you see Mr. T? I hope he's not doing anything stupid..." Gee, now I know that I'm supposed to find Mr. T. Thanks, Airhead!

Back on deck, the lazy soldier has mysteriously disappeared. I'm going to fantasize that he went overboard and no one cared. Mr. T is, indeed, at the front of the ship, spying on ProtoSeifer and Heidegger having a discussion on the bridge. Even more hilarious is Mr. T's outfit -- a sailor suit, complete with a hat. Of course I wonder how they managed to wrangle him up an oversized suit, but it's difficult to nitpick over the excruciating racket my gaydar is making. Holy shit.

Miraculously, ProtoSeifer and Heidegger don't notice the giant black man in the gay hat peering at them through the window. So Mr. T decides he can risk some conversation with Bitch. "Look, Bitch. It's [ProtoSeifer] and Heidegger," he duhs. "They're this close but we can't do a thing to 'em..." Oh my goodness. I guess we now know why Mr. T hates Shinra so much -- it's the same reason Squall and Seifer hate each other so much. Although a Mr. T/ProtoSeifer/Heidegger three-way doesn't sound the least bit appealing. In fact, I don't think I'll ever have an appetite again.

Just as Mr. T works himself into a gigantic frenzy of lust and anger and is about to take it out on the unsuspecting Shinra officers, an alarm suddenly goes off. According to the disembodied intercom voice, there is a "suspicious character" on board and everyone is supposed to search for him or her. Mr. T's first thought is that they were discovered. But that's impossible -- not with those perfect disguises! Through some badly translated dialogue, Mr. T orders Bitch to check on the others. Or we could...not.

Mr. T looks fabulous.

Oh hell. As soon as they return to the main part of the deck, the music has changed from its gay sailor jig to something more tense and ominous. It turns out that the whole group is fine and uncaptured. Through a bit of painstaking deduction, these rocket scientists wonder if the "suspicious character" is none other than Sephiroth. NO! THAT'S CRAZY TALK! They act like this is the most impossible and surprising thing ever. Never mind that they got on the ship in the first place in order to track down the guy, and if they managed to infiltrate the ship, anyone could.

Eventually, they decide to go look for him. I hope that decision didn't burn out too many brain cells. I get to pick my party, which doesn't really make sense, since aren't they just going to have a civilized discussion with Sephiroth? I stick Mr. T and Gay Lion in the party again because Tita and Airhead pissed me off the most recently. I make sure to equip them properly for this civilized discussion and head downstairs.

Stupidly, Bitch decided to shed his uniform somewhere along the say, so he's fair game for all the random unseen Shinra soldiers lurking around. Yes, I'm talking about random battles on the damn ship. I wonder where all these soldiers have been hiding, since there weren't that many roaming around the ship before. It's a good thing that confronting Sephiroth is only going to involve a civilized discussion, or it might really suck to have to fight all these guys first.

You know that Sephiroth is not going to bust through anywhere without a lot of carnage. In this case, the guy who formerly blocked the door to the engine room is lying on the ground, mortally wounded. With his dying breath, he tells Bitch and the others that the "suspicious character" is in the engine room and it's not human. What could he mean???? Also, thanks for telling us that we should check out the one place on the ship we haven't yet explored.

In the engine room, Bitch takes the time to look around and pick up items before talking to the lone Captain Fabulous clone at the front of the room. Priorities, you see. Finally, he approaches the guy, all, "...Sephiroth?" Yeah, like Sephiroth would ever wear such a hideous shade of red. The CF clone turns slowly toward them, then falls forward and disappears like magic. Okay. Bitch realizes that the dude wasn't Sephiroth. Someone give him a medal.

A disembodied voice intones, ".........After a long sleep......the time.........time has......come..." If that's Sephiroth, he's certainly taken some acting lessons from Yuna's voice actress. The three party members look around, confused. Suddenly, Sephiroth rises slowly from out of the floor. See, it has to be all dramatic and stuff because he's eeeeeeeeevil -- he can't just walk in the door. "Sephiroth! You're alive!" Bitch shrieks, unable to hide his joy. But Sephiroth doesn't remember this young blond stud. Bitch is shocked and disappointed. He tries to remind his girl-haired love interest that he's Bitch. You know, Bitch.

This doesn't seem to ring any bells, so Bitch starts going off on the crazy dude regarding his psycho killing spree. Sephiroth can only respond, "...the now..." Holy crap, Sephiroth's been watching the fantastic second season of Millennium! Bitch tries to tell Sephiroth to quit with the vague and enigmatic Shatnerian delivery and use badly translated English like the rest of them. Sephiroth responds by flying straight up and into the camera just as a boss battle begins.

Sephiroth obviously didn't get his looks from his mom.

But this battle isn't against Sephiroth -- we can immediately tell that by the music. This is the Jenova Theme, meaning that we're fighting -- wait for it -- Jenova. And Jenova has gone through some changes since we last saw her a few hours ago. First of all, she is roughly three times larger than the trio, meaning that Sephiroth must have fed her assloads of growth hormones. I mean, I don't think we ever got an extremely good idea of her size, but I didn't get that she was the size of my house, you know? She also has this weird alien head snaking forward right above her boobs. I can't give a report on her freaky nipples because thankfully I can't see that much detail. For once, the game designers have given me a break.

The rest of Jenova consists of blobby appendages, including some wing-like thingies. My description doesn't really do her justice, but that's okay, because "Big, Deformed Freak With Boobs" pretty much covers it. And I'm wondering how Sephiroth carried this dinosaur-sized monster all across the land, never mind snuck her on the ship. You know, I think I'll let you guys decide.

Fanwank time! How did Sephiroth manage to transport Jenova without anyone the wiser?
I never examine plot holes -- I accept whatever the game designers tell me. Stop nitpicking everything, you big meanies!!!!!!!! *cries into Tifa pillow*
The same place all RPG characters transport things -- in the ass.
In his fabulous designer handbag.
His wizard friend lent him an oversized invisibility cloak.


The battle itself isn't as difficult as the strategy guide said, so I'll take this moment to feel like a giant stud, never mind that I've already established the worthlessness of the guide. After the battle, both Sephiroth and Jenova have magically disappeared and the trio is standing around looking at what appears to be a wriggling tentacle. And another fanfiction is born. A dim lightbulb goes on over Gay Lion's head as he notes, "That's what disappeared from the Shinra building." Well, thanks for following along during the last several hours. Bitch notes that this tentacle thing is the arm of Jenova. "Jenova... You mean he's been walkin' around with that thing?" Mr. T boggles. Welcome to the club, Mr. T.

Since the game designers don't want to bother with explaining this, Bitch simply changes the subject: "So it WAS Sephiroth." Wait, if he just now figured out that it was Sephiroth, then why did he call the girl-haired guy in the Black Cape "Sephiroth" before the battle? Somebody's confused here, and it's not just me.

Gay Lion wants to know what Sephiroth meant by "The time is now." Apparently Gay Lion has not had the opportunity to watch the fabulous second season of Millennium, now available on DVD! Bitch just Shions over it, still hurt from Sephiroth's brush-off and trying to hide it. After all they've been through. That jerk! I'm sure "the time is now" can only refer to the grand tea party Sephiroth's throwing for his group of friends and neighbors, and not something ominous at all.

You're not the only one.

Speaking of something terrible and tragic, Mr. T expresses confusion over this entire series of events and asks Bitch to summarize the game's plot so far. I can make Bitch turn him down, but in actuality, I'm kind of hoping for some sort of clarification as well. So let's hear it.

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