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  -FF7 Main
  -Part 1 :: [02.13.02]
  -Part 2 :: [02.13.02]
  -Part 3 :: [04.01.02]
  -Part 4 :: [12.08.02]
  -Part 5 :: [07.27.03]
  -Part 6 :: [08.29.04]
  -Part 7 :: [08.29.04]
  -Part 8 :: [11.20.04]
  -Part 9 :: [04.11.05]
  -Part 10 :: [04.11.05]
  -Part 11 :: [02.17.08]


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"According to the announcers (who we now know are named 'Jimma' and 'Bobba' -- yes, there's two of them), the Aurochs are a really shitty team. NO! I'm shocked! Shocked, I say! Maybe that wankyass new guy on the team was hired to make the other team laugh so hard that they are unable to play. I can't think of any other use for him."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy X Part 5




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Final Fantasy VII : Part 8
By Jeanne
Posted 11.20.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4
Throughout Table Man's story, the number of condors increases from one to, well, more than one. And they're warming their eggs by the reactor. So this bunch of hippies wants to protect these rare birds -- which will probably all be born with magical powers at best and horrible deformities at worst from the proximity to the reactor. This sob story touches Mr. T's bleeding heart, so he'll do anything to kill two birds with one stone. Er, save the birds while battling his mortal enemies.

That has to be sarcasm.
 

The problem of numbers is addressed by Table Man, who explains that they're hiring soldiers and taking contributions. This doesn't explain how Shinra didn't already wipe them out before this process began, but hey, look over there! Bitch again agrees to join in the fight, which is another lie, but the player's guide said this is how I get permission to use the free beds. And I'm kind of low in HP from the stupid random battles. Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, right? The man being Bitch, not me. I'm a 12-year-old gay boy, of course.

Bitch goes to talk to the man in charge, only to find out that Head Dude expects Bitch to do everything from hiring soldiers (at least 8000 gil for 20 hired guys) to setting up the trap near the reactor and commanding the troops. So that's....yeah, pretty much everything. And to add insult to injury, it all takes place in mini-game form. Oh, but if Bitch doesn't have the time to do all the dirty work, then he can still contribute the cash. How about no? For all I know, I could be shooting myself in the foot by not going through with this bullshit at this point in the game, but that's too damn bad. What a crock.

Bitch flips this dude a blocky finger, then leaves this whole trainwreck of a village behind and hopes that Shinra has an awesome birdie barbecue when they're done with these assholes. Not that I'm bitter.

 
Understatement of the year.

Well, that detour sucked a bit of ass. I know! Let's fight lots of random battles in the nearby forests for no particular reason! Strangely enough, Bitch ends up battling a mysterious ninja. Of course, she'd be a whole lot more mysterious if she hadn't already been recapped on this site, but just go with it. After Bitch and the others defeat her quite easily, we enter a cut scene, complete with jaunty music. Though the battle took place in the forest, Bitch and the others have been magically teleported to a grassland area with a save point nearby. This is not just any save point -- it's a save point of trickery! Basically, the idea here is to humor the ninja girl -- oh hell, we know it's Yuffie -- until she joins the party. And using the save point will prevent her from doing so, because she's really after your materia. There, that's your spoiler for the day.

Yuffie pulls a Zell, punching at the air and acting like a spaz. Obviously, since we've gotten the other female RPG stereotypes out of the way, we're dealing with the Perky and Irritating Jailbait here. She's also got quite an ego on her, which adds Tidus to the list of character comparisons. Amidst all of Yuffie's insane jabbering, Bitch manages to beg her to join the party. She eventually does. You guys know I usually tend to type up tedious detailed descriptions of conversations and such. But in this case, it's just not worth it for any of us, as this dialogue has less substance than Tidus's brain. So I'm being nice and giving you the short version, instead of typing out every retarded thing that comes out of Yuffie's mouth. In fact, I just watched my rabbits eat for a while, then looked back at the screen to see Yuffie still yapping. Maybe those guys at Fort Condor weren't so bad. Wait, what am I saying?

This game just took another turn onto Wrong Street.
 

So now we have a new party member, and since she's a girl, she gets to hang out with the other annoying female characters. All of whom have brown hair, I must note. Way to go with the creativity, game designers! Before anyone sends me an irate e-mail about how they're just patterned after Japanese coloring or whatnot (yes, I've heard this one), I direct you toward the relative diversity of the male cast. So kindly bite my ass.

Now, I believe we had a plot somewhere. What was that again? Oh yes, Junon. After a little bit of walking, Bitch manages to find Junon with its giant penis cannon standing erect over the ocean. I bet Bitch will feel right at home here, especially since Sephiroth is supposedly headed that way. Maybe it's time for a little make-up buttsex.

Upon first entering the town, Bitch notes how shitty it looks since his last visit. I'm sure there's some fascinating backstory for this, so let's do a quick round of Talk To Everyone. An old lady (I'm just guessing on the gender, as the clothing is pink, but this is an RPG, so...) mentions that it's so unusual to see non-Shinra visitors around these parts. "I know you guys want to go to the Western Continent, but the only way is on a Shinra ship," she says. Hell, she's one step ahead of me, then. This makes the second time an NPC psychically deduced my next move. Bitch should invite some of these fortune-tellers to join the party instead of some of the current dead weight members.

In the local shop -- and thank goodness this crappy town with the three buildings has a shop -- the owner practically begs Bitch to buy whatever weapons he desires. Well, that's cool and stuff...except that this guy doesn't have any weapons for sale. So this dude is either retarded or on crack. Or he may be old and senile, if his lid-style hat is any indication. Pick your favorite explanation for your own personal NPC backstory files.

Suddenly, Bitch gets the overpowering urge to become able to perform long range attacks with his sword, so he equips his handy-dandy long range materia. Mr. T thinks this sounds like a swell idea, so he switches to one of his own long range weapons. Gay Lion, meanwhile, feels left out, but all is not lost -- he filches Bitch's Choco/Mog materia because if you can't fight long range, summon a huge-ass chocobo and drunken moogle to do it for you.

Back among the townspeople, we learn how Shinra has raped the town out of their clean ocean water and fish by building a city up above. Isn't it great when you get these bitter NPCs who spit bile over stuff that happened a while ago? Without them, we'd never know what was going on. At the end of the town, a lone Shinra soldier guards an elevator against any non-Shinra people. I'm going to guess that this elevator leads to the aforementioned city up above, where I'll undoubtedly find that Shinra ship. So I suppose I'll have to find an alternate way up. Or Bitch could just beat the shit out of the guard, but that doesn't work for this storyline.

 
You see, when a man and a woman love each other...

So Bitch goes the only other way he can -- down the stairs to the polluted beach. A precious young girl stands on an outcropping of rock, talking to a dolphin. Kind of like a game designer would, except this dolphin isn't colored with pink and lavender swirls, and it actually exists. Through her communications with this undoubtedly highly intelligent mammal, we find out that the girl's name is Priscilla. Now we care about her a lot and are invested in her well-being. Just play along. "Now you say it," Priscilla urges the dolphin. It just stares at her like "Bitch, please."

At this point, Priscilla notices the trio, probably because a giant black man and a gay red lion just emerged from the blond guy. She thinks they're from Shinra, and doesn't believe it when Bitch and Mr. T try to convince her otherwise. I'm all set to watch a fascinating argument between the band of misfits and the snotty kid, so you can imagine my extreme disappointment when a giant, hideous, random monster floats in from offscreen. "Be careful Mr. Dolphin!" Priscilla squeaks, not giving a shit about the others. Hey, I know the feeling. The creatively-named Mr. Dolphin just sits there, having no sense of self-preservation. But Priscilla runs forward stupidly, causing the monster to tap her with its head. She falls down in a heap in the water, unable to protect herself against this mighty force. No one bothers to pull her out.

Instead, it's boss battle time! The monster is named Bottomswell, and that sounds like the problem I have right now. Several weeks of DDR will hopefully take care of that. Anyway, he's a giant deformed fish with half his tail bones exposed. As for the "gimmick" of this battle, Bottomswell floats in the air, out of reach of any potential short range weapons. How lucky and magical that everyone's prepared to fight in a long range fashion. Bottomswell also has an annoying attack that traps a character in an HP-reducing bubble. As in the fight with Reno, the bubble can be dispelled, but only with a magical attack this time. See how they mix things up? Only a complete moron would accidentally hit one of the characters instead of the bubble. Certainly not me. Not at all.

After Bottomswell gets his bottom well and kicked, we rejoin Bitch and the others. They have teleported Priscilla to dry ground in order to bypass any of that animation shit. She's not breathing, having been in the water that entire time. Well, who am I to interfere with Darwin at work? Wait, I mean -- OH NO!!!!! Not a precious innocent chyyyyyyyld!!!!!!!!!! We must save her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bitch, Mr. T, and Gay Lion kind of stare at Priscilla, not seeming that concerned. At that point, a random NPC runs down the stairs just to order Bitch to perform CPR. Since Bitch is not Seymour, he's clearly reluctant to perform mouth to mouth on an underage individual. Or maybe it's just because she's a yucky girl. Mr. T pressures Bitch, while Gay Lion makes the excuse of being a lion. "What? You don't know how? Come over here, I'll show you," the elderly NPC invites. First of all, if he/she knows how to do this, then why all the fuss about Bitch doing it? Secondly, ew.

Why does Bitch not want to perform mouth-to-mouth on Priscilla?
He's not a pedophile.
He's gay.
He hasn't taken any CPR classes and thus is not qualified to perform this procedure on her.
OMG he haaaaaaates chyyyyyyyldruuuuun! He's a terrible, evil person!!!!!11111

 

So Bitch gets stuck with the CPR duty, never mind that about a minute has passed since the battle ended. I'm no CPR expert, but I would think that taking one's sweet time in such a situation is on the bad side of the spectrum. Of course it doesn't matter, since this is the land where nothing makes sense. So Bitch gets to play a mini-mini-game to get this girl's lungs working again. I'd laugh at the ridiculousness if it wasn't so damn sad.

A two-dimensional color-coded representation of Bitch's lungs appear on the screen with a gauge. The gauge moves slowly to the top of the lungs. Pressing the square button at the right time causes Bitch to perform mouth to mouth correctly. I'm not sure if I suck or if it's supposed to take more than one try, but eventually Priscilla sputters back to life and we can all be relieved. Because if a child dies, it sucks worse than anyone else dying. Also, I'm sure there's someone out there who is actually turned on by this mouth to mouth scene. Enjoy the nightmares.

As soon as Priscilla starts breathing, the old man/woman scoops her up and runs offscreen without so much as a thank-you. Well fuck that, I'm going to hunt those bitches down and get a thank-you even if I have to use threats and pointy weapons to do so. Unfortunately, this endeavor will have to wait until next time because I've had about all the filler I can handle for now. In the meantime, be sure to send me lots and lots of e-mails about all that crappy Cetra backstory, whining about how I've got it all wrong. Wait, don't do that. See you next time!

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