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  -Part 1 :: [02.17.04]
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"Bitch goes to talk to the man in charge, only to find out that Head Dude expects Bitch to do everything from hiring soldiers (at least 8000 gil for 20 hired guys) to setting up the trap near the reactor and commanding the troops. So that's....yeah, pretty much everything."
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy VII Part 8

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Breath of Fire III : Part 1
By Ryan
Posted 02.17.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Just outside the CrackDragon, I encounter a gigantic ox man. His presence here makes perfect sense because obviously there is nowhere else for a giant man who looks like an ox to work except for in a mine that is filled to the brim with crack. Hell, that applies to any of the half-animal people we've seen so far. What, are all the "sideshow freak with tear-jerker backstory" positions in this game filled? "Well, well, well..." Ox says menacingly, "Let's take it alive!" At this point, I resign to the fact that Whelp is going kill every last one of these miners whether I want it to or not, but before Whelp can use his devastating Death Breath, the Crack Dragon telepathically screeches, "N O ! DON'T!"

The whelp stupidly turns to face the Talking!Crack Dragon and as a result, gets his face smashed in by a miner with a giant crane and goes unconscious. That'll teach you to listen to anybody whilst in the throes of homicidal rage, you little wanker. Well, at least now I'm not being forced to kill every freaking person I see. Over the next few scenes, we see the whelp being loaded into a cage and onto a train as Sad Music™ plays in the background. Fortunately for us, we don't even have to worry about where the train is headed because when he wakes up, the whelp shakes the cage so violently that it falls from the train and into a nearby forest. Conveniently enough.

Cut to Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-Behind-Bush in what ME!M describes as the "Cedar Woods". CrouchingTiger is apparently out hunting, but before he can pounce upon his prey, we hear a mysterious loud crash from somewhere in the forest and the boar he was eyeing goes "wee wee wee" all the way home. Man, I hate it when dragons-in-cages-crash-into-the-woods-from-off-of-a-train-from-a-mine-and-scare-off-your-dinner like that. How rude.

Of four potential targets... you hit the tree?!

Anyway, the tiger person decides to see for himself what's making all the racket. Pan to a stark naked little kid with blue hair lying on the ground near an empty cage and being picked at by two scary looking dog monsters. CrouchingTiger throws a knife into the fray. It hits... a tree. I'm sure he meant to do that. You show that tree who's boss, you badass. The naked unconscious kid will handle the wolves. Anyway, Mr. Tiger walks casually up (what's the rush, after all?), spouts some heroic dialogue, and makes short work of the dog monsters to rescue Bluehair from certain death. My hero.

CrouchingTiger shows everybody his Seymour side as soon as he sees that Bluehair is "without a strip of clothing." What better place for a naked child than the home of a pervy Tiger? "Uncle Rei'll take you home..." he says in what I imagine to be a creepy pedophile voice. "You better appreciate this," he adds, his mind racing to think of ways the kid can "repay" him and whether or not the candy dish is full back at his forest bungalow. He doesn't even notice the empty cage lying right next to the kid. It's probably just as well, because Bluehair would have a heck of a time explaining how he turned from a dragon into a kid by way of pantomime. Yes, Bluehair is in fact the Whelp, and our Mute Protagonist. If you need to, take a few seconds to swallow that shocker.

Jungle Love Bungalow. We spy upon a kid with long purple hair and a miniskirt sitting at a table for a while. ".........Where's Rei?" she wonders aloud to herself, anxious to break the ellipsis record set by Overalls during the opening movie. We hear her stomach rumble and she complains to thin air, "I'm hungry..." As if on cue, Rei, who we know better as CrouchingTiger, strolls through the front door with the blue haired kid on his back. I'll save you the agony of reading a joke about riding the beast. You can thank me later.

"Hi, Rei! Welcome home! Is that dinner?" Purplehair asks anxiously. "Boy, you'll eat anything, won't you, Teepo?" CT muses aloud. Awkward silence envelops the room. Teepo quickly changes the subject. "Who is that, anyway?" she asks with a twinge of jealousy in her voice. "My new favorite," CT says matter-of-factly. "You are getting too old for me to play our special games with anymore." I made that last part up. In reality, Rei says, "I don't know. I found him in the woods. Let's get him into your bed, okay?" Man oh man, the subtext here is staggering.

What has been your favorite do-it-yourself joke thus far?
Overalls, DooRag, and the Rumbly Shaft
Bluehair and the Beast
Minors having a between-the-sheets Romp
I don't get it.


Once they get Bluehair in bed upstairs, Teepo and CT ramble on for a while about how CT finding Bluehair in the forest is so similar to the time he found Teepo. CT must be running the local orphanage! Or, he really likes to "take care" of the little kids he finds naked in the woods. Either way works for me, I'm not picky. With his task of providing TeepoBackstory! completed, CT decides to let Bluehair rest for a while and heads downstairs. Teepo stands next to Bluehair for a while longer, mumbling to himself about how Bluehair is "just like [her]." Right, Teepo. You are really descended of the ancient dragons that tried to destroy the world and were found in a mine and put on a train but broke free into the forest where a creepy Seymour-wannabe found you and took you in and you've been there ever since but you're really a dragon. Oh. Oh! Forget I said that last part.

So then Teepo leaves too and we are given a glimpse into Bluehair's dreams. A Mysterious Purple Haired man, who I'm sure is in NO WAY associated with Teepo, who is so obviously a woman, walks into view. "See Alf? You're just like me -- You must understand!" he wanks. Okay. Alf/Bluehair and Teepo are the same. We get it. Move on. Let's discuss the deeper issue here, the fact that a young, impressionable, mute child like Alf is having dreams of grown men that are clad entirely in purple and look like the poster boy for a Gay Pride convention. "They're weak! Pitiful and pathetic..." he adds cryptically before whisking back to his fabulous lair of Cher tapes and designer shoes. His departure from Alf's dream is heralded by the entrance of another fairy.

Slumber Party~!

A blinding flash of white light engulfs the screen and suddenly a giant angel-type woman with long blonde hair and a foofy pink dress materializes from where OldManTeepo! was standing. She looks around vapidly for a few moments and makes some spastic gestures with her hands before she looks at Alf and says the most enlightening string of words since the beginning of the recap: "Alf......... My... Alf." ME!M even gets in on the action and slaps "Alf" up on the screen for all to admire. It's like they are trying to tell me something, I know it. If only they could have been a bit more obvious, maybe I would be able to understand these cryptic messages. Anyway, Angel woman disappears too, effectively having served NO POINT in the scene, since Teepo had already told us Alf's name. But hey, I'm all about boobs, wings, and long blonde hair, so no further complaints from me.

With his world's-shortest-nap completed, Alf wakes up and gets out of bed. After taking a look around the house and finding nobody home, Alf randomly decides to head into the nearby town of McNeil. He arrives just in time to see his new Sugar Daddy and bedmate scramble unceremoniously out of a house they were trying to rob, an old woman hot on their heels. "Out of my house, you punks!" She yells threateningly, and Teepo yells back "Ha ha ha! You'll never catch me!!" Yes, Teepo, use those mad running skills, you little pansy. She's an old woman for chrissake. I should HOPE you could outrun her, even with that miniskirt holding you back.

Dumb and Dumber finally notice Alf, who was standing there long enough to witness their thieving shenanigans at work. "Doesn't this beat all!" CT says. This is IMPORTANT, because he says it once every three or so sentences. NS!C must think they are quite the geniuses, giving characters cute little catch phrases that they can abuse instead of developing their characters. I'm impressed.

CT and Teepo then decide that they can put Alf to 'work', but they need to get him set up with some 'equipment' first. While CT shakes down a local store, Teepo accidentally on purpose calls Alf "Alf" and makes a big deal about possibly having dreamed up his name. As if we haven't been beaten over the head with the freaking kid's name enough already. Christ eating cornflakes. CT steals some armor for Alf, who had until then been wandering around in some borrowed pajamas, and the three decide to head to the "Yraall Road" to do some 'work'. Hmm, what kinds of people do we know who try to work on the street and need special equipment to get the job done?

What are Alf, CT, and Teepo really going to be doing to 'work'?
Providing senseless Exposition. It seems EVERYBODY can do it in this game.
He's gonna be a hooker.
Stalking James Arnold Taylor to learn the finer points of being a wanker.
They're trying to mug people. You'd know that if you included ALL the dialogue.


That's right, kids, CT and Teepo are gonna make Alf into a little blue-haired harlot. "Don't worry, even a beginner like you can do it!" Teepo lisps encouragingly as the trio sets out. And what a trio they make. A neophyte, a transvestite, and a pedophile. Sounds like the name of one of those new goddamned reality shows.

When the motley crew reaches the road, several random battles later, Teepo and CT take advantage of the fact that they are they only talking members of the party and decide to randomly exposit to each other about Wyndia, the city at the end of the road. "Someday we're gonna leave this place and go to Wyndia," Teepo ejaculates excitedly. And well you should be excited, young one. A big city like Wyndia is bound to have all sorts of new and interesting ... customers for you. Dare to dream, young one. Dare to dream.

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