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  -Part 1 :: [08.21.03]
  -Part 2 :: [10.16.03]
  -Part 3 :: [02.24.04]
  -Part 4 :: [06.20.04]
  -Part 5 :: [12.24.04]
  -Part 6 :: [01.10.05]
  -Part 7 :: [04.08.05]
  -Part 8 :: [06.05.05]
  -Part 9 :: [07.11.05]
  -Part 10 :: [08.01.05]
  -Part 11 :: [12.26.05]
  -Part 12 :: [01.22.06]


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"The knight is a Darknut, known to Zelda veterans as 'those fucking annoying guys you have to hit from behind.' Although Twink likes doing things from behind, it becomes a lot less fun when the dude in question is a giant bastard hell bent on giving him ouchies."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 6




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Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker : Part 3
By Sam
Posted 02.24.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
In the room where our hero finds the dungeon map, we can see a gimmick that will be carrying through this dungeon: using jugs of water to harden the magma. Twink likes the "hardening" aspect of things. Not so much the "jugs" part. Of course, the rock is instantly cool enough for Twink to flounce across it without hurting himself. Or maybe those go-go boots of his have really thick soles. At any rate, Twink will be doing this a lot, because this is the fire dungeon, and: Fire Hot, Water Cold.

 
Twink feels like a big brute MAN.

Several times in his trek through the cavern Twink gets to play with other, bigger swords. He finally meets some Bokoblins with halfway decent weaponry, but since they still suck, he gets to kill them and steal their long, curving scimitars. This makes Twink very, very excited. Unfortunately, he can't take them in between rooms, so eventually he has to give them up and settle for his little wiener blade.

That is one flaming penis.
 

Eventually, the doors lead outside the cavern, and Twink must actually climb the tower itself. Well, he has ladders and ledges and stuff to guide and help him, since really, when it comes down to it he's a little pansy and he's not going to scale the Dragon Phallus just by climbing. Outside, he meets a younger, less-gay cousin of the Helmaroc Queen, the Kargaroc. These fabulously feathery birds don't have the elaborate headgear of the Queen, but when slain they do drop the luscious Golden Feathers that Hoskit was on about before. Twink considers stiffing the guy (heh) and keeping the feathers to make a lovely new boa.

 
Okay, so it's not as gay as the Joy Pendant. But what is?

Right. So. Twink finds a door to the upper levels of the cavern, and soon enough comes upon the Comp Ass, so he can finally see where he is on the map. In the same room, we discover that like Tetra, Sean Connery is also capable of speaking with Twink via the Emerald of Assitude. Yeah, this is actually important to the plot. Sad but true. Sean asks Twink if he's seen any "filthy, thieving rats" in the cavern. Because they're--surprise!--thieving, Twink should be wary. But, "If you spread bait near their nest, they may share their store of treasure with you. Why don't you try it?" Twink humors Sean, and drops some bait near their rat hole. A rat emerges and offers to sell Twink red or blue potions. Twink says to himself, "Self, you don't want your gay ass to get deep-sixed by the boss later, so why don't you buy a potion?" Stupidly, Twink decides that this is a good idea. Even more stupidly, Twink goes for the blue potion option, even though he has no magic to refill and the red potion was half the price. And yes, this was all Twink's idiocy, and not my own or anything. *cough*

Continuing through the cavern (I know this is getting a bit repetitive, sorry), Twink gets to go outside again and kill another Kargaroc Princess, but this one doesn't yield any shining feathers. Twink is extremely disappointed. If the monsters keep being stingy, what's going to happen to his new accessory business? On the next floor's interior, Twink fights through a dark room and kills some bats, one of which drops a large, black orb with a swirly center. The swirl glows orange, purple and green, and depending on when Twink smashes it he gets a different kind of prize. He smashes this one when it's green and it bursts open like a gay piņata, spewing green Rupees everywhere. A sick pedophile (not ME, obviously) would get a twisted kick out of watching Twink run gaily about the room, trying frantically to nab the Rupees before they disappear. But not me. Nope, not at all. In the room is also another lovely Joy Pendant. At least he's getting something out of saving Medli.

So, let's speed this up a bit. Blah blah, more phallic fire pillars and water jugs, blah blah, One-Eyed Monsters and Joy Pendants, yadda yadda Twink is gay. Twink heads outside a third time and up a set of crumbling stone steps. At the top he finds a small enclosed shrine, where some Bokoblins are guarding the caged Medli. Beer Gut Valoo is directly above them, wailing and roaring his bloated ass off. Twink kills the Bokoblins, and then a single Moblin, which is dropped into the enclosure by a Kargaroc Princess. For his trouble, Twink receives a Joy Pendant, and another Orb of Fabulous Shinies, which he smashes giddily before freeing Medli. Fresh out of her imprisonment, Medli is just bursting with exposition. Medli has discovered that "some creature is doing awful things to the great Valoo's tail!" That is VERBATIM what she says--no perverted recapper editing on my part. Medli explains that Valoo's tail hangs down into the room directly below them, so whatever is playing with it must be in there. Maybe Valoo shouldn't hang his tail into another room like phallic fish bait if he doesn't want anything chomping on it. But that would be smart and logical, and this is a videogame.

NO!!!
 

So now Medli needs Twink to get rid of whatever it is that's partaking of the dragon tail. To aid in this, she hands him a new item, which the Rito used "before [they] evolved wings." You mean...they REMEMBER what it was like before they evolved? Doesn't that take millions of years? Or does she mean that Rito children use this thing before they get their scales? Whatever. It doesn't matter. The point is, Twink now has the Grappling Hook. Medli gives him a quick lesson on using it to swing from poles and stuff, and then takes off back down the Phallus. It's all up to Twink now. Because we all know Medli would have been a real asset in fighting the boss.

I'll skip telling you about Twink backtracking through the cavern to get the Boss Big Key and extra loot with the grappling hook (FYI, it also allows Twink to grab treasure off enemies before killing them, which means more sparklies, yay!). So let's just direct our attention to the final chamber before the boss battle. There's some treasure, some more One-Eyed Monsters (surely not foreshadowing to the boss itself) and a few jars, two of which contain Fairies. This is where my Twink's earlier stupidity comes into play. You'll remember that Twink only has one bottle. That bottle is now filled with a blue potion that cost Twink 80 Rupees. But all the blue potions in the world won't automatically revive Twink in the way that Fairies do. So Twink has to eat, er, drink his hard-earned cash by downing the potion, just so he can capture a pretty little Fairy.

 
She looks just THRILLED to be stuck in a jar.

On a side note: does this mean that whenever Twink is revived by a Fairy, his lifeforce is infused with Magical Fairy Power? Because that would explain a hell of a lot.

Just another note: no, the Fairies do not look like mini Tingles. Thank God.

So that's what's in chaos' pants.
 

All right. Time to save Valoo's tail from fellatio torment. Inside the chamber underneath the big dragon, Twink can plainly see his tail flailing about. It looks like it has a big fish hook on the end, which makes me think even more that Valoo is a moron for hanging it in a place he can't see. Suddenly, the pool of magma underneath the tail burns bright orange and a Jumbo One-Eyed Monster bursts out in a very penisy fashion. This is Gohma. I would rename it Jumbo One-Eyed Monster, but since every Gohma in every Zelda game is a one-eyed monster, the nickname is redundant. The trick to killing this particular Gohma is grappling onto Valoo's tail and sailing over Gohma's head (heh). This in turn causes Valoo to throw a fit upstairs, which causes a piece of the ceiling to fall and brain Gohma. Done enough times, Gohma's exoskeleton cracks (I promise, no circumcision jokes) and he's vulnerable to attack. Twink pokes him in the eye with the grappling hook to stun him, whacks him with the sword, bada-bang bada-boom. That was easy. Easy enough where I wonder why Valoo hadn't killed the bastard accidentally by now in all his shaking the house down. But Twink isn't going to complain, since he gets a heart container out of the deal. Schweet! A sparkly gust of wind in the middle of the room whisks Twink back to the beach.

Valoo, meanwhile, lets out a mighty roar, which dissipates the cloud of debris around the Dragon Phallus and makes the skies all blue and pretty. The game designers surprise the hell out of me by not having him conjure up a lovely rainbow, too. Twink materializes right in front of Sean Connery, who fails to exclaim "BUCKFUTTER!" in surprise. But he does praise Twink for saving Valoo and all that. Twink gets more accolades when Medli and Prince Gollus come down to the beach to thank him. Gollus hands over his only, his precioussssss Din's Pearl and then runs off to go get his scale from Valoo, which will no doubt be his NEW precious. He's totally in love with Twink now, too, and wants Twink to come back and visit when he's a big manly man with a huge...wingspan. And who knows? Twink isn't above a little furry feathery action. Then Valoo roars again in a weird runic language. Medli translates for Twink, and says that Valoo is grateful for his help. Valoo could be saying "Get me a six-pack and some chips," for all we know. He adds, according to Medli, "Use the wind god's...wind." I'm sure that has nothing to do with the Wind Wanker Twink got earlier. Medli adds that Twink is a hero according to Valoo and all the Rito, before she runs off, giggling like a crushing schoolgirl.

 
Does Twink make conducting gay, or does conducting make Twink gay?

The wind was all conveniently blowing east for Twink when he had to come here from NPC Island, but now he needs it to blow south, and nothin' doin'. Whatever will Twink do now? He receives not-so-subtle hints from both Medli and Sean Connery that he should go check out the Wind Shrine on the opposite side of the island. He does so, and finds two stone tablets there. One is busted to pieces, but the left-hand one is intact. On it, Twink sees some arrows pointing up, left, right. He instinctively pulls out the Wind Wanker. When he successfully conducts the notes of the Wind's Requiem, the "Holy Shit You Did It Right" tune plays and then Twink conducts the tune in full orchestral mode. He gets really into it, too, closing his eyes and swaying to the music. I don't know how you Mary Sue-spewing Twink fangirls manage to stay in denial after seeing stuff like this. It boggles the mind.

Gayest inanimate object thus far?
The Wind Wanker
Joy Pendants
Golden Feathers
Orgasmic Hyoi Pears

 

As soon as Twink is done feeling the groovy music power, he gets shocked out of his tights by a creature to his left. "Yep! That's a miiiiiighty nice breeze!" says the frog sitting on a cloud. If it's not drug-induced, it's not worth doing, right Nintendo? This crack vision is named Zephos, and he's the god of winds. The one that Twink had never heard a peep about before now. Anyway, Zephos says some crap about Twink being the new "Wind Wa[n]ker," and how he has a nice "wind-sense" about him. You mean he's "fluttery"? Straight out of left field, that. Zephos finally tells Twink about the owner of the other, broken tablet--his brother, Cyclos. Cyclos got pissy that no one paid him any tribute, so he went nuts, broke his tablet and started wreaking havoc on people with his wind powers. In case you're wondering, he's also a frog. Amphibian wind gods on clouds have to come in pairs, you know. Zephos asks Twink to "chastise" Cyclos if he ever sees him. I don't want to know what that means, nor do I want to know. Ever.

Now that Twink can direct the winds with his Magical Power of Teh Gay, it's high time this recap ended. Join Jeanne next time as Twink and Sean Connery travel to another phallic island with more NPCs who all look the same. HAW HAW HAW!

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