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  -Part 1 :: [08.21.03]
  -Part 2 :: [10.16.03]
  -Part 3 :: [02.24.04]
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  -Part 5 :: [12.24.04]
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"At the entrance to the town, a peon Imperial soldier announces that the town's name is 'Lac Virginite.' Is Virginite like Kryptonite for the guys in the Lubrication Army?"
     -Jeanne, Suikoden Part 7




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Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker : Part 3
By Sam
Posted 02.24.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
It's the first Rito we met in the game, Quill. He just happens to be standing there, looking up at the Dragon Phallus with an expression of lust concern. The camera pans down to the humongous fanny pack he's carrying, perhaps to "foreshadow" Twink receiving one of his own, or perhaps to point out that it makes his ass look really big. Quill and Twink catch up on what's happened to Twink so far, and Quill is Very Worried™. He informs Twink that he's told his fellow Rito all about Maryll Sue's kidnapping, and that the residents of Dragon Phallus Island will do what they can to help Twink rescue her. He flaps away to let all the other Rito know that the gayest little boy ever has arrived at their home. Twink minces along after him.

 
Valoo could use a little exercise.

Interior of the Dragon Phallus. Quill is having a chat with the Rito Chieftain as Twink prances on over. The Chieftain repeats Quill's pledge that the Rito will aid Twink, but not right now, because they're having their own problems at the moment. Quill takes over the exposition: "When you arrived on the island, did you notice the raging dragon perched atop the mountain?" I don't know how you could possibly miss the thing. I mean, a dragon with shaggy chin pubes and flabby man-tits isn't something easily forgotten. "As you can see," the Chieftain picks up, "we of the Rito tribe are profoundly connected to the sky. We make our livings on the airways. We do so by the graces of the sky spirit, Valoo." I don't really understand how a living, breathing creature is also a "spirit," but I'll just go with it. The point is, "When a Rito reaches adulthood, he or she journeys to the top of Dragon [Phallus] to receive a scale from the great dragon." But something's wrong with Valoo, so none of the Rito kids can go get their scales, and therefore none of them grow wings. Kind of a problem for them, since they have that Rito Postman credo: "Neither rain nor snow nor lack-of-wings-because-our-dragon-god-has-gone-apeshit will keep us from our appointed task." As such, that's the Chieftain's top priority. Twink figures he can hang out for as long as he likes on the Dragon Phallus until things are patched up, so he nods understandingly.

Quill, however, is not content to let Twink lie about and sunbathe on the beach. "Chieftain," he says, "what do you think of consulting Twink with regards to your son, Prince Komali? As you can see, Twink is a gallant young lad!" I snort iced caramel macchiato all over my monitor. Contradictions ahoy!

Quill adds that he's sure Komali could "open his heart" to Twink, and "speak freely of his fears and worries." So, Komali's in the closet? It would explain a lot of the assumptions going on here. The Chieftain is somehow convinced by all this, and turns to Twink. "Let me be direct," he says. "My son, Komali, is of the age to earn his wings..." Yes, that whole clause is in red. Jesus, Nintendo. Unfortunately, Komali is a whiny little pansy and is so afraid of Wrathful!Valoo that he might "give up on ever getting [his wings]..." So. Twink needs to talk to Komali and tell him to buck up, little soldier. Twink agrees to help, since he misses all his boyfriends from NPC Island and decides Komali might make a suitable young male companion.

The Chieftain tells Twink that Prince Komali is in his room, but to first find a young girl named Medli on the second floor. She has a letter that the Chieftain would like Twink to give to Komali. A letter? Oh my God, how lame. (Shit, now the game has ME doing it.) What kind of crappy father writes letters to his son when he could just go talk to the kid? But it's all just Contrivance rearing its ugly head anyway, because to deliver the letter, Quill gives Twink his very own Delivery Bag. Luckily for Twink, he doesn't have the thing visibly on his person, so he doesn't look like he has a Bubble Ass. Yay for invisible equipment!

Before finding Medli, Twink takes the time to acquaint himself with the other Rito here on Dragon Phallus Island. On the one hand, there are not nearly as many NPCs here as there were on NPC Island. On the other hand, all the NPCs here look exactly the freaking same. I'm sitting here writing this recap with the strategy guide right in front of me, open to the characters section, and I still couldn't tell you with 100 percent certainty who is who by name. There are TWO sets of twins living here, okay? It's very difficult to keep them all straight (as if it's possible to keep anything "straight" in this game), and as many of them are completely unimportant, I'm only going to hit the bigger names in this recap. I'm sure you'll all be crying into your pillows tonight because I'm not telling you the name, rank and serial number of each character, but give it time--the pain will fade.

The Rito:
All look the same.
Are all unique and special! OMG U RACIST!!!1111
...Actually have names?
Are probably all gay. (Except maybe for Medli.)

 

On the second floor Twink comes upon the mail counter. The Rito in charge of sorting the mail is named Koboli, and apparently he really needs some part-time help. Even though the entire Rito race is devoted to receiving, sorting and delivering mail, they are SO short-handed right now. Twink's all for making a few Rupees on the side, so he helps Koboli out with letter-sorting, which turns out to be a mini-game. Surprise! Twink's nimble fingers have to fling as many letters as they can into their appropriate cubby-holes in thirty seconds. Since I'm freakishly obsessive and perfectionistic totally awesome at this game, Twink quickly manages to sort a whopping twenty-five letters. Koboli is way impressed, and the Rupees are quickly bulging in Twink's tight little pockets. And Twink loves having a bulge in his pants.

After going outside and returning--the magical way to get anything to happen in a videogame--Twink finds a new person at the mail counter, a tattooed human guy named Baito. He recognizes Twink on sight as the legendary temp who sorted twenty-five letters in one go. Yes, I know Twink did it two minutes ago, but play along. Baito would just DIE if he could witness The Amazing Twink do the "legendary twenty-five letter sort." Twink likes the look of this strapping lad, so he has at it. When he manages to sort twenty-five letters a second time, Baito practically creams his shorts. "I've gotta tell my mom back home all about this. I just gotta!" But since he can't just sort his own mail into the stacks for free, he asks Twink to go put a letter to his mother in the postbox outside. I roll my eyes, because the letter is just going to come back here anyway, but I want my freaking piece of heart later, so Twink complies.

 
It IS sad.

Outside the room where Medli is waiting, Twink speaks to the guard. This guy, named Hoskit, really wants to please his girlfriend. This confuses me, because he implies that his girlfriend is a Rito, but the only girl Rito I know of is Medli. The rest of them are ambiguously male at best. So where are all the Rito broads? Did they decide there was too much of the man gay on Dragon Phallus, so they relocated to some other island where they could all be lesbians? I don't know. And I'm not trying very hard to care. At any rate, Hoskit's "girl" just loves Golden Feathers, and he would be able to totally get some if he could find a few for her. Twink has no interest in the getting some from a woman, but he does have interest in more pieces of heart, so he makes a mental note before moving on to speak with Medli.

Medli recognizes Twink immediately because of his "green clothes" and "strange-shaped hat." Not only am I grateful that the colored text changed it up a little, but Medli helped me realize that Twink has a green condom on his head. She's observant. I like her. Anyway, Medli introduces herself as the attendant to Valoo, and then gives Twink the letter from the Chieftain to Komali. She helpfully points Twink in the direction of Komali's room (a.k.a. the one place Twink hasn't visited yet) and warns him to take Komali's behavior with a grain of salt. Then she asks a favor of Twink: to meet her outside, near the entrance to Dragon [Phallus] Cavern. Bah, we're back to red. Oh well.

Twink runs back to the first floor and enters Komali's room. Komali is sitting on his bed, fondling a large fiery orb that we all know is Din's Pearl. The way he's scowling at Twink, though, he's not about to give it up. Twink hands over the letter from the Chieftain, which Komali reads with typical adolescent cynicism. In the letter, his father urges him to be courageous and go get his scale, and to stop moping around in his room like a whiny little dipshit. Komali's response is basically, "I HATE YOU, DAD!!! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!!!" I think we're all familiar with this personality type. Since he's being a total whiny Tidus and coveting Din's Pearl like it's the One Ring, Komali's new name is Gollus. Gollus tells Twink that the letter makes mention of this gay blond kid with the condom-hat, and that Gollus should be a real man, just like Twink. Oh, how very ironic.

Yeah, but he had to go do it BEFORE, dumbass.
 

But wait a minute. I'm confused. How long did Medli have possession of this letter? If the Chieftain mentions Twink in the letter, he must have just written it, since he just met Twink. But if he wrote the letter after meeting Twink, then why did he have to give it to Medli, in order for Medli to give it to Twink? And why couldn't he have just told Gollus all of this directly like a good father? And why does he think Twink is so manly? This makes no sense whatsoever. Gollus agrees with me, and tells Twink to cram the letter sideways up his ass. Also, he can't have Din's Pearl, either, because it belonged to Gollus' grandmother, so quit gawking at it, fruity.

Twink is tired of dealing with Gollus McBitchcakes, so he decides to keep his date with Medli, even if she is the wrong gender. Medli is at the bottom of a pit underneath a broken bridge. On the other side of the pit a humongous boulder is stopping up a spring. Medli and Twink share small talk, and Medli is Very Worried™ about Prince Gollus. She feels partially responsible for his shitty attitude, since his grandmother was Valoo's former attendant and Medli's teacher, and Insecure!Medli doesn't feel like she's up to snuff in that department yet. So...she wants to be a replacement for Gollus' grandmother? Weird.

We find out that since the bridge is out and the spring is dry, there's no getting across to the other side, where Dragon Phallus Cavern awaits. But Medli, as Valoo's attendant, needs to get over there and try to calm the pot-bellied motherfucker. But it's too far for her to fly across without assistance. Her solution is so simple and obvious--she needs Twink to pick her up and chuck her to the other side. Because if I needed a boost from someone to get across a rather wide chasm, I would totally go to the skinny-armed blond teenager in all green. The direction of the wind in the chasm changes erratically, and Twink is kind of a wuss, so the first few attempts end in Medli smacking headfirst into the opposite wall. No matter how many times this happens, Medli does not develop a concussion, nor does she tell Twink to never touch her again and ask for someone else's help. What can I say, Medli is just a sucker for head trauma. That, and she's in love with Twink, the poor deluded dearie. Eventually, of course, I get it right and Twink heaves Medli into the air, and she catches the wind just in time to sail to the other side of the chasm. She yells her thanks back down to Twink, asks him to "please look after Prince [Gollus]," not to tell anyone what she's doing, and then chucks some item at him as a reward. It's an Empty Bottle! Gee, I wonder if I'll be able to use this somehow! Medli murmurs, "Good luck...to both of us," and then runs off. Twink, figuring NOTHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN TO MEDLI, wanders back inside, where he immediately overhears that Medli was captured by monsters on top of Dragon Phallus. Shit, what were the odds on that?

Back outside, Twink notes that there are several shriveled up bomb flower plants on this side of the dried-up spring. If Twink were Tidus this would be quite the conundrum, but since he has half a brain Twink immediately jumps down into the ravine and fills his new bottle with water. Pouring water on the bomb flowers causes them to immediately spring back to vibrant life. Twink only really needs to do this once, since the bombs will keep growing back infinitely, but Twink knows from watching Queer Eye that dried flower arrangements are bad, mmkay, and so revives all five bomb flowers. There. Much gayer better. Using the pretty new bombs, Twink blows the hell out of the boulder, the spring fills up, and he swims easily to the other side. There, he has to throw bombs into big stone pots, and the explosions cause the attached stone platforms to fall over and bridge the magma. It makes no sense, but it's okay because we don't want Twink burning his twinkle toes, now do we?

 
FAH-bulous!

In an attempt to pursue and save a girl, again, Twink enters Dragon Phallus Cavern. In the first real area of the dungeon, which everyone should be familiar with since it comprised the Wind Wanker playable demo, Twink fights two Bokoblins with Deku sticks. But they're FLAMING Deku sticks! I know I never expected to see anything flaming in this game. After looting the room, Twink unlocks the door and enters the cavern proper, which is glowing orange due to the lake of magma in the center. You know, I think this just may be this game's fire dungeon. Eh? Maybe? Twink skirts and sidles his way around the perimeter of the room, only to have to cross a very rickety bridge over the magma. I would think, with all the burning ash and spitting fire and whatnot in this room, this wooden-and-rope bridge would have been history ages ago. But then, how would Twink climb the phallus rescue the girl?

While running through the various rooms of Dragon Phallus Cavern's first floor Twink encounters a new enemy called a ChuChu. ChuChus are gelatinous creatures with eyes that suggest they, too, have been hitting the Nintendo Brand Crack Pipe. Once Twink smites them with his sword, they drop their...jelly. I can at least say that the jelly is not the same color as a certain bodily fluid. Thank God for small favors. Nonetheless, Twink covets the Chu "Jelly" he finds, as he can pass it along to that coke-snorting potion brewer back on NPC Island. Mmm...delicious crack potions... Wait, what was I saying? Sometimes I think I'm getting a second-hand buzz/high just by recapping these games. ANYWAY. Twink also fights centipede-like enemies called Magtails, which curl up into a ball whenever their one eye is hit. Yes, I am going to be calling them One-Eyed Monsters from this point forward. Hope that's not a problem.

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