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  -Part 1 :: [08.21.03]
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"Tidink brings up the fact that Ryudo promised more money than they have. Ryudo thinks that Gadan is trying to pull a fast one on them, but they should start 'digging in [their] couches for change' anyway. No one suggests the obvious solution -- that they give him Mary Sue to eat. I know that creates a paradox, since without Mary Sue they wouldn't need to go on the Skygay, but who's complaining?"
     -Jeanne, Grandia II Part 4




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Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker : Part 3
By Sam
Posted 02.24.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
In the last installment, Jeanne was a sad, sad recapper, because I was cruel and stuck her not only with creeping through the Forsaken Fortress without Twink's hard blade, but also with chatting up every miserable person on Windfall "NPC" Island. That said, my comeuppance for this is recapping Dragon Roost Island, which happens to be my favorite area in the game. I can practically feel the bad karma building up around me.

Jeanne left us off with Twink and Sean Connery preparing to depart, now that Sean has his (magnum-sized) sail, but before they do there's something back in town Twink must attend to. No, I'm not talking about an "extra credit oral exam" with Mrs. Seymour. Unless "she's" hiding something under that dress. No, Twink instead goes to visit Lenzo, the guy obsessed with taking pictures (lens, Lenzo, geddit?!). Now that Twink possesses a Picto Box, which is perfectly legitimately his and not Lenzo's stolen property or anything, Lenzo has warmed up to Twink considerably and wanks on at length about his dream to make the best Picto Box ever or something. Then he has a proposition for Twink. "Young sir, I hesitate to ask, but..." Oh, I don't like where this is going. "Could you perchance become my research assistant?" All Twink hears is something about an ass so he immediately says yes. Lenzo is just delighted, judging from the happy grunt he makes. That, or he needs to run to the little boys' room. Lenzo tells Twink, though, that not just anybody can be his ass-istant. Twink has already passed the first test of having a Picto Box, but now he needs to prove his worth as a pictographer by taking pictographs to Lenzo's satisfaction. There is so much dirty subtext to this I can barely even stand it.

Twink is at your 'service.'
 

The first pictograph Lenzo wants has to do with "a love letter," he says. "Somewhere in this town, there is one who, despite constant rejection, never learns the cold lesson of unrequited passion and continues to write letters of doomed love." Wow, I didn't know Rinoa lived on NPC Island. Lenzo continues that the object of this unwanted lust is probably freaking out because he or she is being stalked, and thus Lenzo wants a word with Rinoa to make her stop writing these sad, pathetic love letters. Therefore, Twink must catch Rinoa in the act of putting a letter in the postbox. Since, you know, Rinoa is the only person on the NPC Island who ever uses the postal service.

But Twink is eager, since the sooner he passes Lenzo's tests the sooner he can get Tingle, Liberace and Beedle to come over to his place for a little boudoir picto session. I'm sure I'm going to be flamed for giving someone that mental image. So Twink grips his camera in his hot little hands and runs down to the postbox. There, he picks out a spot nearby where he can stealthily take his shot. Sadly, the spot I choose for him is on the closest dock, in very plain sight. However, even if he were hiding up a tree or something, he's not exactly hard to spot, between the bright green outfit and the bright red Picto Box. Twink waits...and waits...and waits. As much as he wants to be the best boudoir pictographer on the Great Sea, this is fucking tedious. Finally, someone approaches the postbox. But it's not Rinoa at all--it's Garrickson, the "fashion savant" who wears tight red overalls. He looks a lot like Mario--maybe that's why the game designers want us think he's hip? Anyway, Garrickson, before sliding his letter into the box's slot (this is where I point out how dirty that sounded), glances around suspiciously for anyone who might be watching. Even though, as I said earlier, Twink is very much out in the open, Garrickson fails to notice the gay young man with the camera pointed at him, and his dirty postal hijinks are now caught on film. That'll teach him to lick stamps.

 
Holy crap, don't wanna know.

Twink returns to Lenzo, who is very pleased with the pictograph. "They say love is blind, but what could he be thinking, mailing all these letters?" Lenzo admits that he, too, was the same way back in the day, but he's still one judgmental motherfucker. Regardless, it's time for Twink's second task. "You must search for this town's most timid and cowardly resident," Lenzo says, adding, "I intend to flog his spirit so as to lend him some backbone." I bow to Lenzo's supreme power to make absolutely anything sound perverted. He is truly the master. He clarifies that Twink must catch this person in a moment of pure fright. His task set, Twink runs off in search of the one known as Chickenwuss.

Not that he's hard to find, since he's one of the NPCs who stays in the same place at all times. Twink enters the bar and promptly seizes a jug from the floor. With precision speed and timing he hurls the pottery at Chickenwuss' feet, causing the big sissy to jump out of his seat and quake with fear, giving Twink his picto-op. I'd make fun of the guy, but I have to admit I'd probably shake and twitch a lot if people were constantly throwing stuff at me just to see me squirm. And since that's his only apparent function in society, he probably gets that a lot.

Lenzo enjoys this pictograph as well, on levels I don't really want to think about. He waxes poetic about Chickenwuss and his fear demons, and somehow sees fit to add, "...Say, is it me, or is this chap quite the striking individual?" First you want Twink to go scare the shit out of the guy for your cheap amusement, and now you want to ask him on a date? Jesus, Lenzo. Twink says nothing to this effect; he just obediently receives his instructions for the third pictograph. "Somewhere in town is a couple, a man and woman whose hearts are secretly filled with thoughts of the other, and yet for reasons unknown, the two have never spoken." Lenzo asks Twink to help him play NPC Island's "Cupid, archer of love!" (yes, he actually SAYS this) by fetching a pictograph of these two lovebirds gazing at each other longingly. Lenzo needs another hobby. One that doesn't involve spying on everyone in town and meddling in their personal lives. How about knitting?

Future projects for Paparazzi!Twink?
Getting pictographs of the nightly sailor orgies (for "journalistic" purposes!)
Distributing naked pictographs of Lenzo to everyone on the island, just to teach the bastard a lesson
NPC Island Girls Boys Gone Wild
The secret, sinister life of the creepy Battleship game guy

 

Twink is ready for this whole exercise to be over, even if it means documenting icky heterosexual love, so he's happy when he sees the target of his paparazzi intentions is right by Lenzo's shop. However, as he focuses in on Hawt Lady Linda as the man of her dreams approaches (Anton, the guy who likes walking), those goddamn little Oliver Twist rejects, the Killer Bees, start swarming around Twink, like they want to make a Twink sandwich but brought too many slices of bread to the countertop. But even with the annoying brats playing Ring around the Rosie around him, Twink manages to snap a pictograph of Anton and Linda glancing briefly into each other's eyes. The lead punk's humongous head is right in the middle of the fucking shot, but Lenzo somehow deems this an excellent pictograph anyway. Whatever. It's not exactly something I would hang on my wall. But Lenzo, clearly swayed by the passionate looking at one another going on in the pictograph, cries, "I had no idea these two would get along so splendidly!" I thought he sent Twink to do this in the first place because he knew they were in love with each other. Oh, I just asked a character in a videogame to keep his story straight for more than one scene. That means I have to take a shot, right?

As a reward for proving himself as an apprentice, Lenzo gives Twink a little gift. Just so we're clear that Lenzo indeed wants a piece of Twink's tight little boy ass, the gift is a sparkly, colorful Joy Pendant. Seriously, would you give your little boy ass-istant butterfly jewelry if you weren't looking for some underage action? I think not. Twink, thrilled to have another sparkly, pastel butterfly to put in his ballerina music box, practically skips back to the cove where Sean Connery has been waiting for God knows how long. Even though Sean told him not to dawdle on the island, and that was the FIRST time he took off to town, the boat doesn't utter one irritated syllable, let alone make lewd comments about Twink's mother, as Twink jumps aboard. Finally, Twink and Sean sail east, leaving the evil NPC Island far behind them.

 
Preaching to the choir, buddy.

Dragon Roost Island is two quadrants over, and in the area between the two islands Twink comes upon a roofed platform sticking out above the waves, perched upon a pole. Circling the platform is a ship identical to Big Gay Beedle's Big Gay Boat Ride. And it is, indeed, the same ship. I'm confused. Is this the same Big Gay Beedle? Is he somehow managing to be in several places on the Great Sea at once? I think on this for a while, because neither possibility makes much sense. If it's NOT the same Big Gay Beedle, then we're left to assume that he has several identical siblings, all of whom grew up to develop the same gay voice and mannerisms. Which is just a little unsettling. If it IS the same Beedle everywhere, then how is he doing it? Josh points out to me that I can't prove Beedle is in several places at once, since Twink himself can't be in several places at once, either. So: if Big Gay Beedle shrills "THAAAAAAANK YOUUUUUU!!!" in an uninhabited area of the sea, does it make a sound? Further, what is the sound of one hand clapping?

All Twink knows is that Beedle, tanned and half-naked though he may be, has a shitty shop selection at the moment (only bait and Orgasm Pears), so he leaves and turns his attention to the platform. I would giggle and squee and all that if Twink got to climb up the pole to the platform, but the game designers decided to be killjoys and give him a ladder to climb instead. Sigh. At the top, he fights two Bokoblins, who are armed only with telescopes. To me that seems even worse than having NO weapons. Though he finds no gaudy necklaces on these monsters, he does get a red Rupee out of the deal. Twink briefly considers getting into custom jewelry-making--these Rupees are simply breathtaking.

Twink flings himself off the platform railing and back into Sean Connery (no, I do not manage to get him to land in the boat, I'm not nearly that cool). They sail for another minute before Sean retracts his mast (heh), allowing Twink to get a good look at Dragon Roost Island. Said island looks like Devil's Tower sticking up out of the water. If you don't know what Devil's Tower looks like...well, it's a giant penis. It's phallic as all get-out, okay? I just...can't get around it. Penises. PENISES EVERYWHERE.

Twink feels right at home.
 

As they pull up to the shore Sean dishes Twink some primo exposition on Dragon Phallus Island: "High atop this island's peak lives the spirit of the skies...a great dragon by the name of Valoo." As he says this we see Valoo slouching on top of the penis rock, his impressive beer gut hanging out for the world to see, and at least the colored text makes sense this time, as Valoo is red. Sir Sean continues that Twink must ask Valoo for "a jewel called Din's Pearl." Well, anything Sean says from this point on is just lost on Twink, since now he knows he's getting more pretty accessories. Oh, but there's more!

Twink jumps out onto the sandy beach, looks around hopefully for Beedle in his speedo, gives up, and turns back to hear some more from Sean. Sean "helpfully" exposits that the Rito tribe populates Dragon Phallus, which might be the one thing Twink already knew before he ended up on this adventure. Way to go, Connery. Twink figures that's it, so he turns to leave. "Oh!" Sean cries. "I almost forgot! Wait just a moment." Twink turns around to see Sean with his jaws clenched around something...well. People. If it's even possible for us to find anything that would up the gay quotient of this game after Twink's outfit, Beedle, the Helmaroc Queen, Joy Pendants, Tingle, Liberace, and Dragon Phallus Island...this is it. It is the Wind Wanker. It is the gayest gay that ever gayed. It is white and wispy and feminine and extremely phallic at the same time. And yes, its phallicness is increased by the fact that Sean Connery is currently deep-throating it. Not like it's not penisy enough on its own merit.

 
Wow. Just...WOW.

Even with this Baton of Extreme Gayness +5 in his mouth, Sean still manages to tell Twink about it. "This is the Wind Wa[n]ker! [Just a note: the default text in this game is white. The Wind Wanker is white. Red text? Does not compute.] It is a baton of sorts that was used long ago when the people played music in prayer to the gods." If I were one of the three goddesses of Hyrule (say, Din), I would have been sitting up in heaven, looking down at my subjects waving this sucker around, and I would have turned to my fellow goddesses and said, "Maybe the three of us should have enlisted the help of a straight male god in creating this place. I mean, look at it down there."

Sean continues, "In those days, simply using it allowed one to borrow the power of the gods, but I do not know if it still works." Then he suggests that Twink try using it so SC can get his pedophilic jollies. As Twink grips the Wind Wanker in his hands, glittery sparkles emit from its tip. I don't think I am capable of making up something this gay. Sean seems delighted with the reaction, the perv, and so helps Twink learn to conduct with the Wind Wanker in 3/4 and 4/4 time. There is also 6/4 time, but Sean chooses to let Twink get the hang of this one on his own. I don't know whether to be pleased that the game designers aren't cramming every little nuance of the game down my throat, or slightly annoyed that Twink doesn't get to practice with the most difficult of the three speeds. Once Twink has correctly used the former two speeds, Sean sends our boy on his way.

In order to make his way up the shaft of the island, Twink must pick up the conveniently-planted bomb flowers in the area and blow up the large boulders blocking the path. Then he gets to sidle across a narrow ledge, and feel the sensation of the Dragon Phallus against his backside. I'm sorry, but I couldn't not say it. Once he's across the ledge, Twink uses another bomb flower to release some blocks suspended on top of a boulder. The blocks set up a stair from the beach, so Twink won't have to bother with all this crap a second time. He continues up the path until he sees a familiar face.

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