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  -WW Main
  -Part 1 :: [08.21.03]
  -Part 2 :: [10.16.03]
  -Part 3 :: [02.24.04]
  -Part 4 :: [06.20.04]
  -Part 5 :: [12.24.04]
  -Part 6 :: [01.10.05]
  -Part 7 :: [04.08.05]
  -Part 8 :: [06.05.05]
  -Part 9 :: [07.11.05]
  -Part 10 :: [08.01.05]
  -Part 11 :: [12.26.05]
  -Part 12 :: [01.22.06]


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"Yuna does a quick round of Talk To Everyone. Which is, more accurately, 'Talk To Everyone until I figure out that they're all spouting the same lame information and then go hunt down Gippal in the temple because I'm totally shallow and I'm sick of looking at skinny, booby chicks.'"
     -Jeanne, Final Fantasy X-2 Part 8




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Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker : Part 2
By Jeanne
Posted 10.16.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
But he's going to hold off on the plundering of prisons at this moment, for there is more town to explore. Twink runs across an extremely gay man dancing by a tombstone. I know that "extremely gay" has kind of lost its meaning in this game, but this guy is the Liberace of Wind Wanker. Holy crap. He's wearing a tight white disco jumpsuit with a high collar and fringe on the sleeves, as well a gold medallion around his neck. For chrissakes, the outfit has a freaking rainbow on the back. He uses the word "fabulous" in conversation. No, there's no way this guy is straight.

He lisps his life story to Twink. It seems that Liberace (real name Tott) wants to be the world's greatest dancer. A long time ago, he saw a magic dance that turned night into day (I just bet it did), but he just can't seem to duplicate it. Woe is him! If only Twink could somehow help him learn the magic dance...wait, I see where this is going.

I make Twink leave Liberace behind and head into a nearby doorway. It just so happens that this is the town prison. Before Twink can frolic in glee, he spots a strange figure inside the cell.

Oh. My. God. Folks, it's Tingle.

Okay, you know how I just said that Liberace was the gayest gay that ever gayed? I take it back. I take it all back. Tingle, as you'll recall from Majora's Mask if you ever played it, is a scary man who desperately wants to be a fairy. Well, he is in one sense of the word at least. He has been significantly gayed up in Wind Wanker, but he still has the green spandex unitard complete with green hood and red briefs. He also has a pointy little Satan beard and what is either a curly mustache or an excessively girly upper lip. Then there's the facial mole and the swirly blush and...I can't go on.

Tingle trots over to Twink, his feet making a popping sound whenever they touch the ground. All right, game designers, we get it. Tingle is tickled pink to see Twink, whom he immediately recognizes as one of his brethren. He wants to be one of the "fairy folk" too, as if he hasn't already exceeded the requirements by 500 percent. He begs Twink to let him out of the cell (he's apparently there because of some "misunderstanding"...right) so that he can go to where Twink and the other fairies "live in splendor." I suddenly have this image of a happy little island filled with characters such as Twink, Squall and Seifer, half the cast of the Suikoden series, Vyse's dad, and Lucius Malfoy (for good measure). I'm sure there would be a lot of disappointed fangirls living there too.

 
Gee, you think?

Anyway, Twink can't say no to Tingle, so he finds the not-so-hidden switch that opens the door. Tingle shrieks, "YAYYYYYY!" while leaping up and down, and since that apparently doesn't inject enough gay into the scene, he twirls around and flips in midair while shrilling, "Tingle! Tingle! Kooloo-limpah!" complete with voice-acting. Sparkly confetti flies everywhere. I swear I am not making this shit up, people.

Tingle does something magical, and presents Twink with a flamboyant original GBA lookalike, aka the Tingle Tuner. "Now, no matter how far we travel from this dingy cell, our souls will be as one!" Tingle cries in rapture. Holy crap. What this actually means is that you can hook the GBA up to the Gamecube and your best friend/significant other/whoever can do annoying shit like spend your rupees and drop bombs on you. I will not be discussing the Tingle Tuner any further, for obvious reasons.

But that's not all! Before Tingle takes his leave, he hands Twink a map to his island. He offers to "help" with Twink's "charts" and I have a feeling I'm going to have to take him up on that at a later point. Weep for me.

Tingle leaves, and the gay factor of the room goes back down to 100%. Twink remembers what the irritating urchins told him about the jail earlier, and he spends the next several minutes maneuvering around a shitty maze inside the walls of the prison. The thief went through a hell of a lot of trouble to hide that stupid Picto Box. Twink finds it, grabs it in his hot little hands, and returns to the town.

Seymour, eat your heart out.
 

Next stop: the pictograph shop. Lenzo gushes over Twink's new Picto Box, completely unaware that it's the one that was stolen from him. Dumbass. He tells Twink to look around at his pictographs, all of which involve shit that we'll see later in the game. That's one less thing for me to recap. Hey, stop cheering.

 
Gosh, that's not creepy at all.

Now it's time for Twink to find out what's inside the schoolhouse. He meets a pink-haired schoolteacher named Mrs. Marie. She gushes about how her purpose in life is to teach children all about joy. Mrs. Marie (aka Mrs. Seymour) will probably not have her job much longer. Anyway, she has a problem besides her flamboyant fashion sense. It appears that she is unable to lure a certain group of young boys into her grasp, and she asks Twink to help. Mrs. Seymour is under the impression that the boys won't be mean to someone who is the same age as they are. Um, and she's been a schoolteacher for twenty years? No wonder her head appears to be ass-shaped -- that's where it's been all that time.

Twink agrees to help, since he is under the impression that he's simply helping a kindly schoolteacher bring her delinquent students back to the classroom. When he leaves the schoolhouse, the Killer Bees immediately surround him, seeing as how they are the aforementioned rapscallions. Who didn't see that coming? They get all up in Twink's grill about how they are too cool for school, but agree to listen to Twink if he beats them in a competition. Twink fervently agrees, hoping that the contest involves mud wrestling or "log rolling." Unfortunately, it's just an average game of hide-and-seek. Oh, well.

Gayest character thus far?
Twink. I mean, come on.
Beedle. THAAAAAANK YOOOOOU!
Liberace. The rainbow gives it all away.
Tingle. He's like Twink, only about 500% gayer.
Everyone in this game is the gayest.

 

Twink is good at finding boys and subsequently chasing them down and subduing them. They shriek like little girls when caught, but they reward Twink with a piece of heart. Because it's so not gay for little boys to give heart-shaped gifts to other little boys. Then, their leader, Ivan, asks Twink to apologize to Mrs. Seymour for them because they're a bunch of spineless pussies. Twink obliges, but Mrs. Seymour already knows the whole story -- she was watching from the door. Ew. She rewards Twink as well, this time with cold hard rupees, and then gushes over what a great man he'll become someday. Lady, he's not going to do it with you.

Outside, the Killer Bees once again accost Twink in order to tell him about Mrs. Seymour's upcoming birthday. They're way too lame cool to suck up to a teacher, but Twink sure isn't. Apparently Mrs. Seymour just adores those fabulous Joy Pendants. Ivan and his band of merry wankers all but directly tell Twink to go look in a particular tree for one. Twink is okay with this, because he doesn't want to give up any of his precious joy pendants. The twist to the story is that the Killer Bees were the ones who hid the pendant in the tree! My goodness!

Twink considers keeping this pendant, too, but the Killer Bees ask him to deliver it to Mrs. Seymour as a present from them. Christ, these little assholes are useless. So once again, it's back to the schoolhouse. I'm starting to get dizzy. Also, even though the Killer Bees followed Twink to the tree, they somehow warped back to the schoolhouse before Twink got there. It's so fun when game designers get lazy. Anyway, when Twink presents the pendant to Mrs. Seymour, she gets way too excited and tells him to close his eyes. Um.... Oh, she just gives him some more money. She also "casually" mentions that she would like 20 joy pendants. But she's not greedy at all.

His silly fetch quests finally over, Twink explores more of the town. He meets the town's resident hot young chick, Linda, who coincidentally knows the resident hot young chick from Outset Island. There must be some sort of club or something and boy, does Twink not care at all about that. He also meets Kreed, the ferris wheel guy. There's nothing of note to say about him at all except that he wears a gay yellow hat. A gay yellow hat?! Who would have guessed?

Twink plays a fruitless (no pun intended) game of zee fleet (aka Battleship), which is manned by a psycho who enjoys holding cutouts of various characters up to his face. How the hell do they think this shit up? Do they have a competition to see who can come up with the most insane, cracked-out NPC? Twink is afraid of the scary man, so once again, it's time to leave.

But I'm not finished! You are so very excited. Twink finds the upstairs doorway of the rich guy's house. Now he can confront that porky bastard and kick the shit out of him! Oh, who am I kidding? The guy doesn't recognize Twink, and ends up asking for his help. It turns out this guy's daughter is the other kidnapped girl (the rich one, for those of you who might be a little slow). Rich Dude offers all his riches for his daughter Mila's safe return. Little does he know that those words will come back to bite him in his oversized ass. Unfortunately for me, Twink gets tricked into playing a retarded mini-game and ends up being raped out of 80 rupees. God damn it.

His pointless errands and explorations complete, Twink now returns to his old buddy Sean Connery. Mr. Connery is so delighted to have a sail that he instructs Twink at length on how to navigate the seas. There's all sorts of crap about a sea chart and directing the wind, but the important part is that their next destination is to the east (because Sean says so) and it just so happens that the wind is blowing that way. Hooray for coincidence!

You'll have to wait until next time to find out just what kind of crazy shit awaits Twink at his destination. Also, Twink finds an item which increases his gayness by several hundred percent. Join Sam for the marvelous journey across the sea in Part 3!

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