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  -Part 1 :: [08.21.03]
  -Part 2 :: [10.16.03]
  -Part 3 :: [02.24.04]
  -Part 4 :: [06.20.04]
  -Part 5 :: [12.24.04]
  -Part 6 :: [01.10.05]
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  -Part 8 :: [06.05.05]
  -Part 9 :: [07.11.05]
  -Part 10 :: [08.01.05]
  -Part 11 :: [12.26.05]
  -Part 12 :: [01.22.06]


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"After her proclamation of world domination, Ursula triples in size, a seething mass of big-haired, red lipsticked horror second only to my Auntie Velma in her Sunday best. A snide little comment from the Brady Guide states that Ursula's 'immense size finally matches her immense ego', and that comment coming from Dan Birlew makes me think. It makes me think about pots, kettles, and the color black."
     -Kelly, Kingdom Hearts Part 9




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Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker : Part 12
By Jeanne
Posted 01.22.06
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6
A cut scene takes over as soon as Twink squeezes his way through the massive doors. Once again, he's in a circular room, only this one is much bigger (think chaos compared to Tidus) and the floor is covered with a thigh-deep puddle of water. In the center of the puddle...well, shit, it's Zelda. But not just Zelda standing there looking Zelda-y or anything. Nope, she's lying in a ginormous, highly ornate, four-poster bed with the covers pulled up to her chin. She appears to be asleep or unconscious -- I'm guessing the latter, since who could sleep in a creepy boss chamber with a gross bad guy leering at her? A gauzy pink curtain surrounds this entire setup. Not only is Ganondorf the epitome of an overweight, fursuit-wearing loser, but he's also a childloving pervert with a Lolita fetish. That's not disturbing at all. Even though Ganondorf appears to like the little girls and not necessarily the little boys -- making him even more of a deviant in this world -- Twink still wishes he had not just wandered into this pedo-tastic playground. Just his rotten, rotten luck. He needs this as much as Rinoa needs to start shopping for a wedding gown.

Something Twink never thought he'd see in a million years.
 

Twink slaps on his blowjob face as he stares at this horrifying arrangement. Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, Ganondorf emerges from the far side of Zelda's bed. Ew, ew, ew. "Do you sleep still?" he creeps, staring at her underage bod and whore makeup. Oh, I get it -- Zelda is just pretending to sleep in the hopes that Ganondorf only likes to molest conscious children. I wouldn't consider that the best plan in the world, but it seems to be working in this case. As Twink brandishes his sword to take on this sicko, Ganondorf is all, "Hold on just a second, I haven't finished being creepy!" He holds his Triforce-laden hand an inch over Zelda's face, breathing, "I can see this girl's dreams..." I'm totally shuddering right now. "Oceans... [x 4] Oceans as far as the eye can see," he continues. NO! I...I refuse to believe that Zelda is dreaming of oceans! That's, like, totally out of left field! God, Ganondorf is the shittiest dream reader ever. Like, no shit, Sherlock. God damn. Oceans. DURR.

Ganondorf goes on and on about these oceans like we haven't just spent 95% of the game sailing upon them, before finally asking, "What did the King of Hyrule say? ...That the gods sealed Hyrule away? And they left behind people who would one day awaken Hyrule?!" He scoffs at the apparent ridiculousness of this idea -- as if anything in this storyline is not ridiculous -- while the camera zooms in on him ominously. Blah blah, pathetic losers living on islands, blah blah, people suck, then comes the "big reveal." "Don't you see? All of you... Your gods destroyed you!" This last is in 72pt font, underscored by a dissonant orchestral chord.

 
Oh, Ganondorf, you sweet talker, you.

Holy shit, the gods destroyed Hyrule?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That's how we might react if we hadn't already learned this in, say, the freaking intro. I fully expect the next revelation will be a huge-fonted, "Twink is gay!!!!!"

I'm almost relieved when Ganondorf turns his attention to hitting on Twink, but not really because that shit's gross. "I have been waiting for you, boy," he moans. "For one like you... Yes... For the hero." Get in line after every other male on the Great Sea. I like how Ganondorf has tried to kill Twink off a bazillion times and now is all, "Yeah, I wanted you to come here." If that were the case, why not just teleport him to your creepy little bedroom along with Zelda, asshat? Man, Twink feels like he's being jerked around here. And not in a good way. "Do not betray my expectations," Ganondorf drools in a major close-up. Expectations? Has Lenzo been giving out details of their encounters again? That fucking gossip whore!

Ganondorf takes this opportunity -- accompanied by appropriately creepy music -- to morph, grunting all the while, into a giant pigman puppet. Twink stares in horror as Zelda's bed curtains whisk into the air to reveal this abomination. In keeping with the theme of the rest of the game, its arms, legs, and tail look like giant strings of anal beads. Twink would be turned on if Ganondorf wasn't a gross, furry pedo and the beads were small enough to not rip him in half.

The anal bead limbs and tail of Puppet Ganon are connected to their mysterious puppetmaster via cables, similar in fashion to those of the Giant Vagina Flower. Twink must dodge its attacks -- which mainly consist of getting smacked in the face with the arm beads -- while attempting to disconnect the cables with his Boomerwang. Each one takes two hits to sever, so it's totally different from that vagina battle. When the puppet finally lies limp on the floor, Twink shoots it with a Light Arrow in the glowing blue ball on the end of its tail. I guess there are weirder boss fights than ones that involve shooting phallic projectiles into giant anal beads, but there can't be many.

Shooting the orb magically restores the puppet's strings, so Twink must repeat this process twice more to destroy the puppet for good. At least that's what the game designers want us to think from the overdone "death" scene and triumphant music. But we've all played video games before, and we know of the game designers' "the more the merrier" philosophy regarding end boss battles. We've only had to fight 14 boss battles thus far -- how foolish to think we're even close to the end.

It looks like Twink is lacking in the pattern recognition department, since he launches into a frolicking leap of joy the moment Puppet Ganon collapses in the pond. By the way, Zelda and her bed mysteriously disappeared when the camera cut away during the transformation. Maybe she took Ganondorf's distraction as an opportunity to save herself. Hee. Man, I'm funny.

But oh no! The Fanfare of Triumph turns ominous as the mysterious puppetmaster hoists Puppet Ganon up to the ceiling. One ball of indistinguishable morphing later, a many-limbed version of Puppet Ganon crashes back down to the ground, pig mouth gaping. This, my friends, is Puppet Ganon's spider mode.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it on this site -- I probably have -- but I'm deathly afraid of spiders. I'm the stereotypical screaming girl who will run out of the room and beg the big, strong, manly man to dispose of the microscopic spider for her. I will fully admit that I am pathetic. So you might expect that this oversized spider puppet would give me the willies, and by "willies," I'm not talking penises. For once. But it doesn't, and here's why: 1) It only has six legs, making it very much not a spider, and 2) It's a spider puppet with a lazy-eyed pig head and legs made out of giant anal beads. I admit that yes, the thought of anal beads that big is a tad daunting, but it's a totally different fear than my spider phobia.

The spider puppet repeatedly rises into the air, then falls to the ground, spinning, in an attempt to crush Twink. Presumably, Twink can look up from his vantage point in the puddle and see where the spider's ass with the glowing orb will land and locate himself accordingly. I, the player, can't do this because I'm not inside Twink. And that's the way he likes it, because I'm female I have a tiny wiener. So I have to maneuver the camera up toward the ceiling in order to view the spider's reflection in the puddle. Using my lightning-fast skills, I must place Twink in a spot where he'll have access to the spider's blue ball when it lands. It's probably not worth mentioning that Twink and I have to repeat this process twice more to kill off the giant fake arachnid, but some of you might be a little slow and I wouldn't want you to miss out on the exciting battle experience.

I also shouldn't have to tell you that the spider is still not the final form of this motherfucker. After a giant explosion, it's suddenly a snake. Yes, the more observant of you may have already realized that now it looks like just a single string of anal beads with a pig head. It also has a line of brown hair down its back, which Twink finds quite unsexy. Wax that shit off.

HAIRY PENIS!
 

The snake, like you would expect from something that looks like a giant butt toy, is the most difficult of the forms. It races around the room spastically while Twink tries to penetrate the blue ball -- now on the end of its tail -- without getting rammed. This is not an easy task, and those of you who've played A Link to the Past might recognize this as a 3D version of the Moldorm boss. Also known as the boss I paid my brother a dollar to defeat when I was younger. I'm not going to apologize for my gaming weaknesses, so stop judging me.

Through a combination of blind luck, button mashing, and an abundance of arrows, Twink somehow manages to succeed at hitting the blue ball three times. Only because the anal bead snake can't knock him down to a lower level and force him to redo the entire battle. It must have been a low day for the game designers, forgetting to put that lovely feature in. I'm not complaining.

Resembling nothing other than a flaccid wang, the snake puppet zooms up to the ceiling, moaning, before exploding in a ball of darkness. What, does that bring us to 16 boss battles now? I suppose 15, if we're not counting the final one-hit battle against Phantom Ganon. Anyway, since three is the magic number, we know this is the true end of Puppet Ganon in all his ass-penetrating forms. Speaking of which, Twink squats, hunched over and panting like he just got done with a marathon orgy on NPC Island. From above, Ganondorf's evil chuckle catches his attention. "Yes, surely you are the Hero of Time, reborn..." he duhs. Hold the phone -- this Twink is somehow related to the previous Twink?! NO! THIS CANNOT BE. Twink also seems surprised that he didn't just fight the final battle. Poor, na´ve Twink.

The camera pans up to show Ganondorf standing on a rafter way overhead. The shot is a bit odd, however -- all we see is Ganondorf's pot belly from above, with Zelda's head sticking out of the side of it, Alien-style. Somehow I'm not exactly intimidated.

 
Now that's a fearsome shot of the villain.

Ganondorf blahs some more pretentious shit that boils down to, "I'm the next boss" before he flies up even further toward the ceiling. Fade out. Twink notices a burning sensation in the pit of his stomach that must surely be excitement over the prospect of working his way toward yet another boss battle. Or, more likely, battles. God, he loves his life.

A rope, left behind by the puppet, stretches from the center of the pond to the first set of rafters. It takes Twink exactly 30 seconds to climb that mofo. And since I'm not the recapper who enjoys watching underage waggling boy ass, I can't say that was a thrilling experience for me. Twink climbs up onto "solid" ground, noticing that he's on some circular platform connected to the rafters via chains. He pauses for a moment, trying to think of reasons Ganondorf would need something that resembles a non-functional chandelier with teeth. I tell him to get on with things and let you guys decide the use of this contraption.

What the fuck is this thing?
Were you not paying attention? It's the curtain rod for the pink bedcurtains. How else is Ganondorf going to add romantic atmosphere to his molestations?
Where the invisible puppetmaster sits.
A decorative ceiling ornament made from Jabun's dentures.
The mount for a bondage swing.

 

A convenient grappling hook branch allows Twink to indulge in even more rope climbing to reach the next level. If it weren't for the fact that he only uses his hands to climb, he'd have quite a bit of rope burn in his crotchular region by this point. And only his bondage sessions with the Koroks are allowed to do that to him. In keeping with his rather odd decorating scheme, Ganondorf decided to sprinkle this upper platform with pots containing healing items. Twink pauses suspiciously -- is this another attempt by Ganondorf to seduce him? If he accepts these gifts, is he obligated to have sex with the guy? Ew, he'd probably make Twink dress up in a mini-pigman suit. Gross!

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