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  -XS Main
  -Part 1 :: [07.21.03]
  -Part 2 :: [08.06.03]
  -Part 3 :: [11.22.03]
  -Part 4 :: [02.10.04]
  -Part 5 :: [07.14.04]
  -Part 6 :: [08.05.04]
  -Part 7 :: [10.12.04]
  -Part 8 :: [01.23.05]
  -Part 9 :: [05.24.05]
  -Part 10 :: [01.20.06]
  -Part 11 :: [10.12.07]
  -Part 12 :: [06.30.11]
  -Part 13 :: [02.17.12]


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"Junior wonders aloud how to get through since it's too small, and the large doorknob answers that he's too big. All three of them jump back in shock since the doorknob is talking, as if they haven't already encountered strange creatures like the Purple Helmeted Warrior and Wakka."
     -Sam, Kingdom Hearts Part 3




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Xenosaga : Part 4
By Sam
Posted 02.10.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Meanwhile, Shion is feeding his little tantrum by denying she thinks anything like that about him. Well, of course she doesn't--that would imply she even acknowledges his existence, and she clearly doesn't most of the time. "You think I'm an android, don't you!" he sobs. In the Elsa, Matthews and Hammer look at each other incredulously. "What the hell?" the captain says. Yeah, I can't say it any better than that.

It's always ME ME ME with you, isn't it, Corey?
 

KOS-MOS has had quite enough of their little pity party, so she opens the channel and addresses Shion. Shion, rather than being relieved that KOS-MOS is all right, or even being relieved that someone is there to rescue them, huffs and puffs petulantly and demands to be brought onboard the Elsa. Sadly, Captain Matthews can't hear me shouting "It's a trick, don't do it!!!" at the screen. KOS-MOS insists that they stay in their little pod, since most likely someone will come by to pick them up before they run out of air. That kind of screws Jerkinov, but we've established that KOS-MOS only cares about the people in beige unitards or miniskirts. But Shion isn't going to take no for an answer. I'm sure every guy on the Hoglinde (except for crying, pathetic Corey Feldman) could vouch for that, but most of them are dead. Shion's voice gets all threatening, and she says, "You better bring us onboard or I'll open the hatch! You hear me?!" Corey immediately loses control of his bowels. "Listen to me, KOS-MOS," Shion continues as if this highly intelligent android is a fucking toddler. "You know what'll happen if I turn this lever, right? Doesn't this go against your directive? You're supposed to bring us back alive. Am I right?" Shion is so convinced that KOS-MOS can't possibly do anything without her supervision that she's willing to commit suicide and murder just to get her fucking way. Not that I would complain if she did just that. We'd only be out Shion and Corey, after all.

 
This fucking tease of a game.

KOS-MOS calls the stupid bitch on her bluff, but Shion insists that she's serious. Who knows if KOS-MOS would have actually changed her mind on her own, because at the last minute, right when Shion is about to blow the hatch and make my life forever Shion-free, a soft, creepy voice interrupts on the bridge. "Why not help her?"

The source of the voice comes toward KOS-MOS, stretching and yawning. It's a thin, teenage-looking young man with dark skin, white hair, and OH MY GOOD FUCKING GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING IN HIS PANTS?!?!?!?! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!! OH JESUS KILL IT!!!!!

...Okay. Okay. This person, I'm sure you all know, is chaos. Maybe it's because of the bodysuit and short-shorts he's wearing, or maybe it just is that big. But chaos has the Almighty Wang of Doom. It looks like Green Bay tailgaters are barbecuing bratwurst in his pants. The official bio says that chaos is, at least in apperance, sixteen years old. I want to know what fucking sixteen-year-old boy has a dick that big. Please, no one send me photos. I don't really want to know.

What the fucking fuck. Seriously.
 

At any rate, I don't know what pretentious asshole decided to give him an e.e. cummings-style name, but that shit isn't going to fit in with this game full of acronyms and all-caps names. chaos will now be CHAOS!!!. The exclamation points represent that horrific Burmese python between his legs.

 
I'll say he is. Good Lord.

Captain Matthews looks around and casually says, "Hey, [CHAOS!!!]. You're up," like Satan's well-endowed son didn't just arrive on the bridge. CHAOS!!! replies in his soft, hypnotic tones, "With all this racket...who could sleep?" KOS-MOS is staring at CHAOS!!! like she's never seen a penis before. It's kind of how I look right now. In KOS-MOS' Terminator!Vision, we see her evaluating CHAOS!!! as she replays his entrance into the room. I wonder if this is like porn for her. Come to think of it, she basically functions as a TiVo. That would be cool, if she were looking at something that's wasn't CHAOS!!!. While she's still running her data on him, CHAOS!!! approaches her and tinny sirens start sounding in her head, as if to communicate, "WANG APPROACHING! BATTLE STATIONS!" He says hi and touches her shoulder in what the game designers probably think is a non-threatening manner, but...sorry. No way. Not with that thing. KOS-MOS doesn't really know what to think, but he asks if she has any objections to bringing Shion and Corey on board, and as she's temporarily mesmerized by his manmeat, she doesn't. Crap. (SCDC: 6)

What the shit is that THING in CHAOS!!!'s pants?
A wang. A scary, scary wang.
A sausage factory. No, literally, the entire factory.
The reptile house of the San Diego Zoo.
The world's biggest banana.

 

Moments later, everyone is on board, including Jerkinov. Shion introduces herself and Corey, and I just realized that now we have a Corey Feldman and a Hammer onboard. It's a Surreal Life partay. "C'mon [Corey]!" she says, now treating Corey like a kid. "Show them your gratitude." Corey grunts a thank-you and then dares to call Shion "stubborn" for, you know, almost killing him. She mashes his foot into a bloody paste with her heel, so he runs off to cry or something. I swear, it's getting to the point where I could not possibly hate her more. Shion then apologizes for KOS-MOS' behavior, and yeah, KOS-MOS did threaten to kill the Elsa crew, but they also had to listen to Shion scream for ten minutes, and that's way worse.

Matthews tells them to thank CHAOS!!!, not him, so Shion gets all grabby-hands and does so. He accepts her thanks graciously, and manages to keep IT in his pants at the same time. Whew. "Yeah," Captain Matthews interrupts, "he often saves our hides, too, so...we can't turn him down when he asks for a favor." Holy crap, that is about ten levels beyond what I ever wanted to know about this crew. Jesus, TMI, Captain.

"That reminds me..." Shion says out of nowhere, and stomps her little booty over to KOS-MOS. "And just what do you think you're doing?! You left us and then tried to go to Second Miltia by yourself! Maybe your OS is malfunctioning or something?" Instead of wasting her near-infinite patience away by arguing back, KOS-MOS says that is certainly a possibility. Shion gets all pissed that KOS-MOS agreed with her, and then asks about HQ's orders for her. KOS-MOS does a fine job of ignoring her before walking out to go have a rejuvenating nap in her phallus. Shion looks around for a moment, trying to find something else to yell at. Nothing's jumping out at her as a good target, so she just stands there and sulks.

"I'm terribly sorry," she says again to Matthews. "The girl is just so stubborn." I'm thinking that's supposed to be ironic, but it's hard to tell when the game designers so obviously have a much higher opinion of Shion than I do. Everyone shrugs off the apology. CHAOS!!! smiles and says, "It's all right, I'm actually enjoying it." I will pay whatever it takes to never hear those words come out of his mouth again. He adds, "This ship's much livelier with more crew members." Ew. Ew. Ew. Members.

"You got that right," Tony suddenly says, as he "enthusiastically" makes his way over to Shion. "We can always use some more women around here." Yeah, he needs someone to read Cosmo with. But to fool everyone else, he puts his arm around Shion, as if I haven't been grossed out enough in the past five minutes. "How 'bout it? Once we arrive, how about you and I get a suite and settle in with a nice bottle of wine...?" Corey freaks, but Shion completely buys into his faux-come on and looks like she's ready to hike up her skirt right then and there. Kill me.

Matthews does me an immense favor by calling off Tony. But he seems okay with Tony wanting some action, as long as it's not the "battle weaponry" he goes for. Frankly, I think Tony wants CHAOS!!!. Speaking of him, CHAOS!!! takes issue with the captain's weaponry comment. "You think so...huh? [KOS-MOS] appears to be just like any other human to me. Except her penis is awfully small. But, you know, I do have high standards."

This scene switches abruptly to Jerkinov taking his turn to thank Captain Matthews, and asking if he can be dropped off on a planet called Senir. Matthews says it's cool and he'll do it for free 'cause he has respect for military guys. Then, as Jerkinov and Matthews are looking out the window where they first saw KOS-MOS, a penis-headed Gnosis like the one that almost killed Shion lands on the window. Apparently the Hilbert Effect has worn off, because it osmoses right through the window. Jerkinov has apparently missed the five million examples we've seen of normal weaponry not working on incorporeal Gnosis, and thus starts shooting his standard-issue pistol. This angers Penis Head, so he grabs Jerkinov by the ears and gets ready to drain him of his color and life. Matthews, pretty calmly, says, "[CHAOS!!!]." Seņor Daisy Dukes approaches the Gnosis with the speed of a snail. Shion is worried, but at this rate Jerkinov will be dead before CHAOS!!! even gets to it, anyway. He tells Shion not to worry, and sloooooooooooowly faces the Gnosis. Seriously, how is Jerkinov not dead already? Then, the big revelation: CHAOS!!! holds out his hand as if to stop the Gnosis, and it actually stops, as if he can stop time. Then he removes the glove from his right hand and gently caresses the Penis Head. On its wrist. You guys and your dirty interpretations. Penis Head immediately begins to evaporate into yellow sparkles, disappearing and letting Jerkinov go right in the nick of time. A stunned silence follows.

Shion and Corey, obviously, wonder how in the fuck CHAOS!!! did that. Their "answer" is given to them as follows:

"There are those who draw well, and those who run fast. Hammer's navigational skills are top-notch, and his knowledge of the Net is vast. Tony's helmsmanship skills are unrivaled. No one even comes close. ...Or so he claims. The Captain... Well, no one holds a greater amount of debt than the Captain. I believe everyone has at least one skill that they excel in over all others. It's something that defines who they are. Shion... What is it that defines you?"

So. How does CHAOS!!! do it?
Wang Power. Duh.
He's secretly a magical girl and is using his sunshine daisy power on the Gnosis.
It'll be some half-assed reference to Christian mythology, just you wait.
He's a wizard. So WIZARDS DID IT!!!

 

That last question is left hanging in the air on the bridge, even though I shout "BLOWJOBS!!!" until my throat is sore. (Okay, that came out wrong. Sorry.) The point is that this explanation is the most fucking retarded thing I have ever heard. "It's just something [he] can do"? He can just evaporate Gnosis with his hands? Are you fucking serious, game designers? Now, I know that CHAOS!!! is just stalling, and there will undoubtedly be some "better" explanation later. But at the moment, everyone on the ship just expects Shion and Corey to buy into this "that's really all there is to it" stuff. Matthews, Tony and Hammer are all standing there, smiling serenely, like it's dumb to even wonder about it. I think they're all under mind control coming from the Wang.

Except Shion. Not that she doesn't buy it. Does she ever. She says, "I see. Right...I think I get it! It sort of makes sense when you put it that way." She doesn't need mind control over her to accept what she's hearing. She's just gullible enough for it to work on her anyway. Corey is the one voice of reason on the ship: "How can you be convinced by that? That was a Gnosis, Chief, a Gnosis!" But Shion isn't listening. She has this dreamy look on her face, like CHAOS!!! has inspired her to learn to paint landscapes or something. Fucking A, Corey, just give up. It's not worth it. Even YOU can do better, man.

CHAOS!!! at least decides to change the subject, and tells Matthews to get going before KOS-MOS chucks them all overboard. Matthews is depressed because he wanted to make some money to see the Seraphim (!) Sisters in concert. He and Hammer argue about the merits of watching a concert on broadcast versus going to see it live. Matthews is old-school about his music, which makes him all the sexier. CHAOS!!! escorts Shion, Corey and Jerkinov off the bridge. Once they're gone, Matthews sums up my feelings exactly by moaning, "Damn... Today's been one hell of a day..." At least he has the cool hat to console him through this nightmare. We fade out as the Elsa glides through space.

Fade back in on a strange room we've never seen before. It's related to Vector, though, judging from the red logo on the floor. "Master Wilhelm," an unidentified voice says. "I have a report from KOS-MOS. Shion Uzuki and [Corey Feldman] have both joined up with KOS-MOS." Wilhelm, a young man at the desk in this room, says, "I see." The voice continues, "This is fortunate, especially since there's an unidentified ship closing in on the battlefield." So if Shion had stayed there she might have died? Shit! Bitch dodged another bullet. (SCDC: 7) We get a close-up on Wilhelm as he receives this information. He's incredibly girly. He reminds me distinctly of Prince Enrigay, but with silver hair and a large, wavy cowlick. "And if the ship were to threaten the girl," he einsteins, "KOS-MOS would protect her... Is that not right?" It IS right, and I hate you for saying it, Willy. "Yes," the voice answers. "That would be the prime directive." The prime directive. Holy shit, we're getting into serious rip-off territory here.

"Either way," Wilhelm mentions, "it was a wise decision to pull back KOS-MOS. There's no need for us to continue serving them, or the Federation, any longer." Hell, at least we know it's not the Federation's Prime Directive, or Gene Roddenberry's estate would be on these fuckers like white on rice. "Besides, the data for the Rhine Maiden is now complete." Whatever the hell that is. And as far as I remember, we won't know what the hell it is until we actually see it, WAY on down the line. So forget about it. Wilhelm walks over toward a green gyroscope thingy as he exposits weirdly, "All phenomena are moving forward as specified by this Compass of Order." Don't look at me, I have no idea, either.

 
You can buy those at Sharper Image!

Finally, Wilhelm foreshadows, "As for the rest... Gather the necessary factors and wait for the other one to awaken..." That's one of those things people say that's so vague, you could make it mean anything that happens later on in the story. I'm not going to try and make sense of anything Wilhelm just said. It's just more of Xenosaga's Exposition for Exposition's Sake. God.

If I hear one more piece of lame exposition I think my brain is going to seize up and strangle itself to death with my vocal cords, so it's best if we stop here. In part five we're going to meet a couple of new characters, one of whom is cool AND playable. Oh, and the twelve-year-old girl panty shots will begin. You can hardly wait. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm still seeing CHAOS!!!'s trouser kielbasa behind my eyelids, so I'll just be off to cauterize my optic nerves.

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