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  -XS Main
  -Part 1 :: [07.21.03]
  -Part 2 :: [08.06.03]
  -Part 3 :: [11.22.03]
  -Part 4 :: [02.10.04]
  -Part 5 :: [07.14.04]
  -Part 6 :: [08.05.04]
  -Part 7 :: [10.12.04]
  -Part 8 :: [01.23.05]
  -Part 9 :: [05.24.05]
  -Part 10 :: [01.20.06]
  -Part 11 :: [10.12.07]
  -Part 12 :: [06.30.11]
  -Part 13 :: [02.17.12]

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"Now that I finally have control of The Cowardly Lion, I make sure to change the colour of the menu windows to a fabulous pink, to better reflect the inclinations of the male characters we've seen so far. You know I'm right."
     -Ben, Tales of Destiny Part 1

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Xenosaga : Part 4
By Sam
Posted 02.10.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Shion drops the gun and drops to her knees. No, there's no man standing in front of her when she does this. Then she decides that she's going to be sick, and covers up her mouth. Her little sick noises DO make it sound like she's giving a blowjob. Shocking, I know. KOS-MOS walks by her and tells her to get into the escape pod. "Wait...!" Shion says. "KOS-MOS. KOS-MOS... [We! Know! Her! Name!] you understand what you've just done?!" Sure she does. She just doesn't fucking care. KOS-MOS explains to Shion, probably in vain, that protecting her was the number one priority, that there's nothing in her orders about keeping military grunts safe, and that she did what she had to do. And yes, it does bother me that Virgil had to eat it because SHION needed protecting, but it's just the little bint cheating death again (SCDC: 5).

"That's no excuse!" Shion wails at KOS-MOS' back. "You have no right to go about killing people! Why did you shoot Lieutenant Virgil? With your power, you don't have to sacrifice anyone to..." KOS-MOS interrupts to give Shion the real kicker: that if she had avoided shooting Virgil, her accuracy would have suffered by 30 percent. Ha, ha. "I simply chose the option with the highest probability to keep you alive. Furthermore, the escape pod has a maximum capacity of two occupants. I believe it is obvious who gets priority," she finishes. Corey and Shion stare at KOS-MOS in horror for the second time in this recap, but the blue-haired broad has a point. I so wish that she could have shot Shion to keep Virgil alive, even moreso when Shion screams:

"How can you even say that! Have you no conscience?!"

Jesus Jumping Jehosaphat Christ. SHUP UP, SHION.

KOS-MOS does me the favor of pointing out the extremely obvious on my behalf: Shion didn't fucking program her a conscience, so why does Shion expect her to just magically grow one? Shion just sits there on the floor pouting (with Corey gripping her shoulders reassuringly because he wants some sugar), and she has no answer to this observation. She just wants to complain because KOS-MOS did what she's programmed to do. Boo fucking hoo, Shion. KOS-MOS isn't in the mood for wasting time, though, and tells her yet again to get on the fucking escape pod. Corey tries to pull her toward the door, but Shion just stalks off after KOS-MOS toward the Golden Penis Plate. Yeah, all the girls want a piece of that action.

Shion's little "conscience" tantrum:
Shows that she is such a GOOD PERSON!!!
Shows that Shion has no clue what she's talking about, ever.
Shows that she maybe liked Virgil in that way.
Shows that the game designers hate us all.


As soon as KOS-MOS gets near the GPP and Jerkinov, she and Shion are engaged by the biggest Gnosis yet. It looks like a cross between a whale, a squid, and the monster under the bed all the game designers saw in their crack-addled dreams the night before they worked on this part of the game. It looks worse than it is, though; between KOS-MOS' potent attacks and Shion's A.G.W.S., it's destroyed easily enough. But once the battle ends, and once KOS-MOS womps on a few more small Gnosis, the Golden Penis Plate slinks through a portal in the hangar ceiling and disappears. Corey immediately feels better about his manhood, though that's not saying much at all.

Surviving the wank and the boss battle nets me a pleasant sight: the Hoglinde blowing up. Hooray! This joyous moment is cut short by a shot of a Vector Industries Brand Escape Pod, which clearly has the First Couple of Wank inside it. KOS-MOS is standing on top of the pod, and Commander Jerkinov is at her feet, holding on for dear life inside his spacesuit. Well, I'm glad KOS-MOS made it, but it's not like I thought she wouldn't. KOS-MOS watches as all the space whale Gnosis gate out of the area once they've acquired the Golden Penis Plate, those tricky mofos. KOS-MOS confirms to herself that the Golden Penis Plate was not the original GPP. "It was an Emulator," she clarifies, except that just clarifies that it was a copy, and "not the original" kind of establishes that. It becomes clear after a moment that KOS-MOS is actually communicating with someone inside her own head, except not in the crazy person way. She helpfully exposits for us in this manner and lets us know that her mission is to track the Fake Golden Penis Plate and then go to Second Miltia. She plants a tracking device on one of the whales before they disappear, spots an approaching ship, and jumps off into space.

Now THAT is a penis.

After getting the opportunity to save, which I haven't had in about an hour, we fade back to the ship KOS-MOS spotted. It's teal and white and pretty phallic, but in this game that kind of loses its meaning after a while. How about this: if something doesn't look like a penis, I will let you know. A man aboard the ship is taking in the sight of the fleet's wreckage and giving commentary on it. "What a mess," he says, and that basically sums it up. He asks someone named Tony, "How long before the Federation gets here?" We cut to the inside of the ship, and Tony tells the other guy they've got a few hours before they have to deal with any Fed interference. The camera zooms in on Tony, and he's pretty damn gay-looking. He has a artfully messy mop of red-blond hair, a shiny silver earring, and a tight gray tank top. We'll soon see that there are no women on this ship, so there's only one other explanation for why he's showing off those biceps. Also: c'mon, he's named Tony. A third person on the bridge confirms Tony's information that they're all alone with this wreck. This guy is named Hammer, and he's quite obviously the "brainy," nerdy guy of the crew. It's not even the glasses or the wacky There's Something About Mary hair. He just looks and sounds like a real dork in general.

"All right," the first guy says, from a chair above and behind Hammer, putting down his cigarette before pounding his fist into his palm. This man is the captain of the ship, and his name is Matthews. He's the surly, gruff type that we recapping ladies just love to death. Also, he has the world's best hat. It says, "CAUTION, I AM A BOOZER, BANZAI BANZAI." No one with this hat could possibly be uncool. Even Tidus would gain cool points if he had this hat. I love the guy anyway, but the hat makes me want to elope with him in some drive-thru chapel in Vegas, even if he pulled a Britney Spears on me and dumped me a few hours later. It would be worth it.

I will pay someone good money for a hat like this.

Anyway, enough about the hat. Matthews informs us that he and his crew scavenge space wrecks by telling his underlings to, hey, start scavenging. Hammer isn't too thrilled with the prospect of looting this particular wreck, no matter how much money they owe to someone named "Master Gaignun," since these were Federation ships. Matthews is all, "Nuts to the feds, you pussy." Hammer continues to whine, this time about the ethical implications. "I mean, what are we, space jackals? Vultures? Hyenas?" He gets reprimanded for this talk with a kick to the back of the head. Hee! "Ya moron! What kinda metaphor is that?" Matthews yells. We'll see soon that "moron" is his very favorite word. "Don't be comparing us to extinct animals! You'll jinx us!" Yes, we know, bad things happened on Earth. Unless all those animals independently existed and became extinct on other planets.

Matthews continues, "We're recyclers, dammit. Environmentally-friendly space recyclers." That sounds like one of those zany, quotable lines from a really bad sci-fi mov--oh. Nevermind, then. Tony pipes up from his pilot's console, "Master Gaignun told us to stay away from any 'side jobs,' remember?" I think Gaignun may have meant that a little differently when he said it to Tony, if you follow me. "He said it hurts the Foundation's image." Okay, whoever Gaignun is and whatever the Foundation is, just explore the fucking wreckage and quit talking, guys. Jeez. They do get on with it, and they eventually discover the wreckage of the Hoglinde itself. And then they see a body floating through space. Hammer and Tony get all squicked when Matthews tells them to "keep going and let it bounce off." Heh.

His dead grandma is telling him things?

Tony decides that he doesn't like this order, because it's just WRONG!!! So he does nothing and as a result, the body ends up getting caught on the bridge's window. "Ya moron!" he says for, I think, the fifth time. "What the hell are you doing? I said bounce it off!" When they all see that it's a girl's body, Tony and Hammer both make some extremely nasty necrophilic comments (I guess wanting to ignore a corpse is wrong, but wanting to molest it is okay), but unsurprisingly Tony doesn't sound like he's really into bumping uglies with this dead girl. "It's a shame we can't meet her face to face," Tony says in his fake-horny voice, hoping no one will catch on, but then KOS-MOS opens her eyes and stares in at them in a very creepy zombie-like way. They all jump and scream like big sissy girls, even Matthews.

Through the window, KOS-MOS tells them she needs to communicate with them and to open a channel, but I don't really see what the point is, as it seems like she can hear them and they can definitely hear her. Matthews and Hammer speculate for a while as to what KOS-MOS is, but at least decide that she's not a zombie out to eat their braaaaaaaaains. Over the comm channel, Matthews introduces himself and his ship, which is called the Elsa. Tony wanted to name it the Bruce, I bet. Matthews lies about coming to "rescue" people from the wreck, thinking that KOS-MOS gives two shits what they're there to do. She just wants on board so they can take her to Second Miltia. "Say what?" Matthews grumbles at her. "Oh, yeah, keep dreaming, sweetheart!" He tells her they have work to do and going to Second Miltia would cost money Matthews needs for beer and hookers. KOS-MOS evenly replies, "My time is limited as well. Failure to comply will result in the destruction of this window." Matthews invites her to go ahead and try it. "Punch from a girlie like you wouldn't even dent--" Of course, KOS-MOS cracks the window easily with her iron fist, and Matthews gets the message this time. He flings his arms in front of his face and says he'll do whatever she wants, in a bit higher pitch than was necessary. But hey: I'd still do him.

KOS-MOS chides the captain (in a monotone, of course), "Had you accommodated me from the outset, we would have saved one minute, 45 seconds." And a window. That said, the robot girl grabs her Big Black Phallus, which apparently just happens to be floating by, and jumps to the cargo bay. After warning Tony that if he tries to take off while she's standing there (which he was about to do), she'll just blow up the ship. Ha.

Onboard, KOS-MOS is just getting comfortable when Hammer picks up a signal from the wreckage. After a moment everyone on the bridge hears Corey's whiny voice. "...Hello! Is anybody out there?!" We cut to the Vector Industries Brand Escape Pod, where Corey is trying repeatedly to pick up someone. Shion waves off his panic, saying "I'm more concerned about KOS-MOS." Of course you are. That's one expensive blow-up doll to lose. Corey is more than a little nonplussed that she isn't even concerned about their situation at all. "I mean, the Gnosis might still be around..." Shion, still not getting that, yes, they could still be in danger, replies, "I'm not worried about that right now. We have to retrieve KOS-MOS..." You know, I'm starting to understand why Corey is such a mopey bitch. I think I would be too, if I had to deal with Shion that much. On the other hand, he likes her, so it's his own fucking fault.

"Forget about KOS-MOS," he snits, "what about us? Ahh...if I knew this was gonna happen, I wouldn't have let everyone else go first..." Okay, Corey is so pissed off and worried right now that he's wishing he weren't alone in a quiet pod with his dream girlfriend. Shion tells him to cram it. "I can't believe you...[Corey], how can you be so insensitive? After all that's happened..." So first, Jin isn't considering her feelings, and now Corey is "insensitive"? I don't think she really knows what that means. Like a whole lot of other words she uses. She goes on with KOS-MOS this and KOS-MOS that and SHION, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT KOS-MOS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

The camera returns to the Elsa, but the conversation between Shion and Corey continues, as everyone on the Elsa's bridge is listening in. "What do you mean?" Corey is yelling. "Of course I'm traumatized! Chief, that was really uncalled for..." He totally sounds like he's going to cry. I love it. "Do you think that I'm an emotionless android?" he continues, just as KOS-MOS walks onscreen. Heh. I can practically see the tears streaming down his face as he brings his wank to a blinding crescendo (emphasis voiced): "For you to even think that is the most traumatizing thing of all." And now tears are streaming down my face. Goddamn, Corey is just GOLD.

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