Videogame Recaps
Recaps FAQs Extras Mailbag Forum Contact Links

  -Suiko3 Main
  -Part 1 :: [01.07.03]
  -Part 2 :: [02.15.03]
  -Part 3 :: [06.08.03]
  -Part 4 :: [10.04.03]
  -Part 5 :: [08.13.04]
  -Part 6 :: [09.26.04]
  -Part 7 :: [08.19.05]
  -Part 8 :: [08.19.05]
  -Part 9 :: [06.04.09]
  -Part 10 :: [07.01.12]
  -Part 11 :: [02.17.13]
  -Part 12 :: [10.26.13]
  -Part 13 :: [08.06.14]

  -Suiko3 Cast
  -Suiko3 Recap FAQ

  -Store o' Goodies
  -LiveJournal Community
  -VGR Radio
  -VGR: The Comic
  -Site History
  -Site Map

 Past contests:
  -Durandal Poetry Contest
  -Wankese 101 Contest

"Most of the remaining footage is just a series of Twink running, pursued by lots of grunting and armor clanking sounds. Plus Twink flailing around and getting smacked in the face repeatedly with yet more metal schlongs. As a 12-year-old gay British boy who can't get any, I think this is the closest I've ever been to getting laid."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 10

Link to VGR!

Suikoden III : Part 3
By Sam
Posted 06.08.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
When last we saw Hugo the Hero, Duckman the Duck (oh my God, how did I know?!) and Lulu the, um, Limpwrist (hey, it is Suikoden), they were back in Vinay del Sexay after spelunking the North Cavern with the Saint Loa Wankers. Fubie is still not in the party--for all we know, he's abandoned these moronic jerks for some more appreciative friends and we'll never see him again. That's what I would do, anyway.

'That's right, I also hate Lulu.'

Now that all the wankers are out of the party, except Lulu (*sigh*), the group returns to the inn. Duckman wearily shakes his ducky head, telling his companions--and us, by extension--what a pain in the ducky butt it was to convince the kids' parents that they had not, in fact, kidnapped their children. Well, Alanis' and Ralphie's parents, anyway, as we learned last time that Sudit's paw isn't exactly around a lot. Which will become marginally important much later. Lulu tells Duckman to calm down, as it all came out fine in the end. For no reason whatsoever, he adds to this, "Those three sure are close friends," and then, even funnier: "I'm glad we're like that, too." I plead aloud for either Hugo or Duckman to smack Lulu upside his stupid head. Instead, Hugo takes a long pause before saying, "Yes, me too." Duckman quacks heartily. I get on my knees and beg Hugo to kill them both. But no. Dammit, he is way too NICE. It's just wrong.

I get control of Hugo again, still in front of the inn. With more money at his disposal, Hugo runs around town on a shopping spree. On this visit to the Yaoi Enthusiast Trade Guy, he manages to procure some crystal balls, which sell for big bucks in Duck Village, as Ducks are like Kobolds and love the shinies. Maybe if Hugo chucked a crystal ball off the V. del Sexay pier for Duckman to "fetch," I could be rid of him forever. But I have a feeling Sarge is too smart to fall for that, even if I could do it. Oh well. His purchases completed, Hugo returns to the inn for some rest, I presume.

But I'm wrong. Outside the inn again, Lulu complains again about how much he hates being in the city--this time it's because he doesn't care for Zexen food. Oh, I see, they were eating dinner at the inn. Whatever. Duckman wisely ignores him and says they should try to see the Council again. Remember that? The plot? Yeah, neither do I. Duckman continues that Lulu should be "brave" and suck it up, even though he knows Lulu misses his mommy. Hehe! They get into it, only for Hugo to break it up by saying, "Don't get feisty, young man! I hope I needn't worry about [Fubie's] behavior like I do yours." ...The hell? "Feisty"? "Young man"? Hugo either just channeled his mother or he just came on to Lulu. Either way, I don't want to know.

Yes, he is that stupid.

Back to the game. I steer the Good Ship Hugo toward the Council Headquarters at the center of town. Once there, Lulu makes yet another comment as to the size of the Zexen buildings. Apparently Lulu is one of those rare individuals who does NOT like 'em big. Duckman reminds him that it's all relative--the caves of the Lizard Clan could hold ten of these structures. Wow, all of a sudden Duckman has been somewhere before and knows something. Color me impressed. The Ironhead Guard at the doors finally acknowledges that they are expected and shows them inside. Fade to black.

Inside, the camera sweeps down on elegant furniture, marble staircases and rich red carpeting. It's all quite nice, if not a bit generic. Lulu, insolent little shrew that he is, complains about now having to wait indoors. Remind me again who twisted his freaking arm into coming along on this trip. Duckman "patiently" explains, "Officials do a lot of things to make themselves seem more important. Quite annoying!" he adds, very succinctly expressing my feelings on him and Lulu.

The rampant complaining of our podunk heroes is interrupted when someone called "Official" comes down the stairs, apologizing for the wait. He's a dumpy little Suikoden Clone with a gay hat and a smooth babyface. He informs them that he is a representative of the Council, and that he will personally deliver Hugo's message to them. Hugo, clearly, doesn't think much of this at all. Over Duckman's scoffing, he informs Babyface Official that he was instructed to give his message to the Council Head, and to no one else. I don't recall Lucia specifically telling him that, but Hugo was probably only half-listening to her at the time and filled in all the details with his imagination. Babyface Official basically says that the Council is too busy to deal with messengers from the boondocks. Duckman gets pissy, showing none of the "patience and respect" he so recently advocated. "How dare you show us such disrespect!" he shrills. "It was Grassland's protection that allowed Zexen to peddle its goods as far away as Jowston!" Suikoden characters just love previous-game-name-dropping, don't they? Babyface Official evenly replies that they shared their profits with the Grasslanders, so there. Comeback? Duckman snarls, "Impudence!" and storms off. Yeah, he had nothin'.

Oh, I thought he was a Karayan pacifist. Not.

Finally, Babyface Official asks Hugo for the message. I have to choose to either give it to him or continue to protest. This is one of those situations where I have to choose to give it to him eventually, but I let Hugo argue anyway. Hugo's refusals to comply get increasingly snippy, but after a few times, Babyface Official gets fed up. "I beg your pardon, but I can't waste any more time," he says. "Such serious matters should be left to someone other than a child." Ooh, burn! Hugo gets even more pissed off and oh-so-maturely threatens the guy, but he just takes the letter anyway. All of that increased blood pressure, and nothing to show for it! Silly Hugo.

Back outside, Lulu wishes that Jimba were there with them to kick some ironhead ass. Duckman, ever the pragmatic one (or so the writers would like us to think) says they did their best with the message delivery and that it's time to blow this joint. "Agreed!" Lulu says, like anyone cares if he agrees. "I've seen enough Zexen rudeness to last me forever." And I've heard enough of your bitching for about five lifetimes, too, you little fuckwit. As Duckman and Lulu walk away, Hugo stands alone, staring hatefully at the Council Headquarters. His glare says it all, so the lack of words (i.e., "............") is quite all right. Shows he has the stuff to become a proper Suikoden hero. In any case, I'm glad someone in this game knows how to keep his mouth shut now and then. Fade to black again.

In control of Hugo, I find Ralphie and Sudit hanging around outside. It appears Alanis has already left for greener pastures. Good for her. Hugo jogs to the front gates, but Duckman, who suggested the party leave town all of thirty seconds ago, says they should return to the inn for the night and leave in the morning. Make up your damn mind, Sarge.

Nighttime at the inn. All is quiet downstairs, as the maid walks around aimlessly and the bartender wipes the same glass for about a minute and a half. Upstairs, the threesome has taken a room for the night, but of course none of them are sleeping. Don't take that last sentence the wrong way. Hugo paces the room restlessly, while Duckman and Lulu--wait for it, you'll be so shocked--bitch and moan about how rude Zexens are. But since Hugo still has his undies in a twist over what happened earlier, he too throws in a few "I hate ironheads" comments. God, they're rubbing off on him! No! They at last agree to leave the city at dawn when Hugo hears the telltale clunking of metal from the street outside the open window. He and Sarge look out to see a small group of Zexen Knights heading toward the inn. Complete with the "Oh Shit" music. Great. Like their never-ending griping about ironheads wasn't bad enough as is--now they're going to be attacked by them. Stupid writers, would you stop vindicating Lulu, please?

Question the first: 'Would you pick up that bar of soap?'

Outside, four random knights line up to receive orders from their superiors, who happen to be two of the Six Knights of Zexen, aka Chris the Ice Queen's posse. The first--a large, gruff fellow with a beard and a ponytail--informs the men that they're after two children and a duck, and to be careful, since "it doesn't take much to get a Grassie's ire up." Um...kay. Gruffy is named Leo, but as he looks like a guy in prison who makes shivs out of spoons and trades around little boys like currency, his new name is Bubba. (Bubba is also the name of one of my family's cocker spaniels, so there's your Recapper Fun Fact for the day.) The random knights enter the inn, two in front and two from the back. (Ew.) Fade out and back in, where all six knights are upstairs. The innkeeper runs up to them and demands to know what they're doing. Couldn't he have asked them that when they first walked in, instead of waiting until they were all the way upstairs? Dumbass. Our other not-random knight finally speaks, to inform the innkeeper of their mission. This one is named Percival, and he happens to share the swept-back, overgelled hairdo of one Salon Jhee. But since I like him too much to name him after an asshole who gets decapitated, he can stay Percy. Anyhoo, the innkeeper is saying he's shocked that he's been harboring criminals, when Bubba interrupts to say it's not like that. They're just detaining the "Grassies" for questioning. Oh, so it's all perfectly innocent, and that's why you're sneaking in at the dead of night, armed to the teeth. Right. Bubba busts into the room first, and duh, it's totally empty, but the window is open. Bubba looks out and sees his marks running away from the inn. Bubba bellows "After them!" and runs out, but Percy stays behind to quip, "You don't have to shout, you know. I'm not deaf!" This is to show that Bubba is the gung-ho type and Percy is the mellow type. Because we didn't already get that.

Recaps :: FAQs :: Extras :: Mailbag :: Forum :: Contact :: Links