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  -Part 1 :: [01.07.03]
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  -Part 8 :: [08.19.05]
  -Part 9 :: [06.04.09]
  -Part 10 :: [07.01.12]
  -Part 11 :: [02.17.13]
  -Part 12 :: [10.26.13]
  -Part 13 :: [08.06.14]

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"And this may come as a shock, but Kuromimi is a total mama's boy. He even calls her 'Mommy.' Yeah. Kuromimi isn't just a regular irritating Kobold -- he's the basement-dwelling fanboy Kobold. Though to be fair, at least he got out and made an attempt to help his people instead of sitting downstairs jackin' it to his Faye Valentine poster."
     -Jeanne, Suikoden Part 6

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Suikoden III : Part 12
By Sam
Posted 10.26.13
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3 : 4 : 5 : 6 : 7
The next morning, the Buttfuck crew, minus Juan, has gathered on the manor steps. Frodo tells Caesar he is ready to carry out their harebrained plan, and triumphant music and a black screen usher them to the gate to meet up with Hugo's entourage. Samwise is jacked the fuck up to get this mission underway, and this naked enthusiasm makes Frodo look at her like he just realized she's a girl. "Concentrate on defending the gate," Caesar tells them, possibly forgetting that the gate is a broken-ass wall with no actual gate on it. "Don't let anyone in! If we can hold them off long enough, they'll withdraw." Wait, so this plan actually requires Frodo and Buttfuck's finest to engage in physical combat with actual knights? Really?

No one comments on this, somehow, not even Frodo, so Caesar keeps talking. To Frodo, he says, "I can't defend your castle for you, so there's something I must give you." He hands over a bundle of sealed envelopes and adds, "Just hold onto it. If you get in trouble, open it up. The rest is up to you." I imagine they will be in trouble, because no matter how well this plan works, they'll have let a fugitive escape and will still be at odds with the Zexen Council. It seems like the only function of this plan is to get Hugo out of here, which is a problem that didn't even need to exist.

Sure enough, a black screen fades away from Frodo's uncomprehending face and ushers the Buttfuckians to the army battle screen, where the conditions are laid out bluntly for a group of their martial expertise: "Stay alive for __x__ turns." Even telling Frodo the specific number of turns is probably too much for him to handle. The battle is lost if Team Hugo's units are destroyed. At this point, it seems clear that Caesar's plan to "save" Buttfuck was just an alternate narrative he cooked up to keep Frodo compliant, and in fact he's working for Hugo and using the castle as a distraction to get himself and his client out of Dodge. To emphasize how well and truly fucked Buttfuck probably is, five Zexen units appear to the east. As they march toward the castle, BO idly wonders why they didn't surrender immediately. Because a Loki figure with lustrous cherry red hair convinced them they should fight! It all fits together.

Of course, on the ensuing turns, BO's plan to ruin Frodo for life starts to go tits up. A message arrives from Vinay del Sexay, and a knight announces its contents: "Councilor, a notice of prosecution has been filed against you, sir!" BO is unconcerned, assuming it is a power play by one of his fellow councilors, until the knight finishes, "Sir, no... The notice was filed by the Zexen Knights." OH SHIT, SON. He just got Tootie'd.

While all of this is going on, Frodo and Sam are continuing to stand pat by the gate, and Caesar announces, "This is our chance to go!" Sarge goes "'Our'?" because I guess he wasn't privy to that part of the plan, or was too busy hunting around for breadcrumbs. Caesar answers, "We're going with you. Did you think I would stay in a hole of a place like this forever?" It's official, we're soulmates. Samwise, cheerfully oblivious to Caesar's righteously correct opinion of her sacred home, shouts after them as they leave, "Stick it to them, Hugo! You too, Sergeant!" Sarge is like, "Sure, bye," which Sam takes as further encouragement, going on, "When things get back to normal, I hope you come back to visit! You could even open a shop..." I was going to comment on how deeply sad Samwise is, until Hugo steals the sadness crown from her and shouts back, "Er...that's a decision for my mother to make." Even Lucia is rolling her eyes at that shit.

'Mother and I could open a motel. What do you think, Mother? Mother?'

Once Hugo is out in the field, the victory conditions change to his and Lilly's units escaping past the Zexen knights to the northeast, a laughably easy goal when the path they need to take is one unit away, unguarded. Because I'm bored and not because it's necessary, Frodo attacks the closest Zexen unit to provide cover for their escape. Nothing awesome happens, like Martha dying, so I'm not even sure why I mentioned it.

Back to BO, who has completely stopped paying attention to the battle. A knight tries to warn him that something is happening at the castle, but he snaps back, "Do give me a moment of peace. Can't you see I'm tied up here right now?" Since I doubt he is hissing into a cell phone at some unpaid intern he left in Vinay del Sexay, I am choosing to picture him literally tied up, given that he is being prosecuted by the boss of these same knights.

After a few turns of incredible tedium, the fugitives make it to their goal. Apple whines, "I'm glad we've gotten this far away, but oooh, my legs are killing me!" Oh my God, it's not even that far. I'm guessing Mathiu's instructions in the Power of the Science did not include any phys. ed. "My good Apple," Caesar chides her, "if you continue to be a bookworm, your legs will atrophy and fall off." And Apple dismemberment pillow talk! He is such a tease. After Caesar and Apple have satisfied their quota of bickering, Sarge wonders how the castle is doing. It's pretty idle wondering--nobody here actually cares. "I took steps to slow down the Zexens," Caesar tells them, "but in the end it depends on how badly they want to proceed." Meaning, how willing they are to walk over there and enter the grounds with no resistance. After all, Apple said it was a long walk!

The Zexen knights, meanwhile, are in the middle of telling BO they are not, in fact, willing to walk over there, what with their written orders from Tootie on the subject. The message from Ass Castle indicates to the knights that BO has made wild and untrue accusations about Buttfuck Castle. BO insists he saw the fugitive, which is the cue for Cogsworth to nudge Frodo into reciting his script. Frodo hollers at them, "There are no fugitives at this castle! If you don't believe me, come in and search!" That's pretty ballsy, given that the knights themselves saw Hugo, and in fact one of them was the first to recognize him. But it works, and the knights stand down until they can confirm the presence of evil brown lawbreakers on the grounds. They disappear, and Cogs says as they leave, "I expect they will bother us no more." Yeah, I'm sure that BO will not double down on this humiliating defeat and go right back to his original mission of firing Frodo and shuttering the entire castle. This is totally over!

So you may be wondering how Caesar managed to get Tootie to help our impoverished heroes out with that fortuitous message. On cue, Juan appears on the eastern edge of the field. "How can we sneak to [Ass] Castle in one night?" he bitches. "This strategy is suicide!" So there you go. Lucky for Juan that Tootie both agreed to see him right away and immediately took him at his word. Maybe Juan plied him with a spicy sausage fresh from Percy's grill pan.

Anyway. Another morning at Buttfuck Castle, another round of Frodo wandering the castle grounds with absolutely nothing to do. Ah, the leisurely lifestyle of the idle poor. At the gate, Samwise says, "I'm so relieved! That creepy Councilor left." Well, he certainly was creepy, but Frodo is not convinced that he has left for good, as well he should not be. Sam basically shrugs that she hopes he's wrong, and Frodo uneasily goes on his way.

'You caught me. I'm Lady Chris.'

A couple of days ago, when Frodo first encountered Babyface Official in Iksay, the village was still just fine and totally not a burnt husk. Now, not so much. Does that mean the Lizard Clan's attack happened at the same time as the siege of Buttfuck, and there was a retinue of knights nearby who could have helped the village? Because that would be hilarious.

You know Seifer doesn't like it when you call him that.

Near the windmill Frodo finds Barts again, who is predictably tugging at his fur lapels in frustration over the loss of his beautiful wheat fields. They actually look fine and not blackened at all, but maybe the game designers did meticulous research on the visual state of a burnt wheat field and I'm the ignorant one. Barts exposits to Frodo about the fire and lizard trampling that wrecked his crops, adding, "Now all I can make is mud stew. Hahahaha..." That's still probably too haute cuisine for Buttfuck Castle. But Barts insists he doesn't want pity and that he's going to get back to work on new fields. When Frodo offers the supple, unplowed hinterlands of Buttfuck Castle for this purpose, Barts replies in the only logical way: "I've never heard of it." For real. But he's willing to go to this backwater anyway, if Frodo can procure some grapes for him and help him plant a vineyard. Being drunk at all times is really the only way to live at Buttfuck, so Frodo has already procured some grape seeds for Barts to use. The Squally lookalike is so happy to get these SeeDs (do you get it?! Wait, ugh, I'm sorry) that he readily agrees to plant them at Frodo's place. The Buttfuck Better Business Bureau just got sexier!

Please be talking about fruit.

Frodo can't help but be in high spirits after recruiting a sexy cosplay farmer, so it is of course time to deflate his good mood with the bad news we all knew was coming. Back at the manor, Cogsworth is having a conversation with Percival and Bubba, one not at all to his liking judging from the look on his tiny facial features. Cogs gasps Frodo's name when he and Samwise show up, causing Percy and Bubba to turn around. "I heard he was young," Bubba says. "But he's nothing but a boy." I am choosing not to read that as, "The Craigslist ad strongly implied you were 18!" Percy just nods, like he understood perfectly what the ad meant.

Anyway, the two knights are here on behalf of the Zexen Expositor General. Bubba brings them news of "Councilor Durabum," which is, I believe, the first time we've heard the name of Babyface Official. Also, Durabum? The Councilor with the butt that won't quit? With that name, no wonder he's such a jerk--it's a defense mechanism. Bubba tells them that Tootie is prosecuting BO on behalf of Lady Chris. That case is under review, and it's not the only one: Bubba goes on, "They're also reviewing the alleged joint ownership of your land and leasing rights for this land." That doesn't sound good at all. The only chance this Buttfuck Castle Outlet Mall scheme had of working was if they stayed off the radar, and that pooch has been permanently screwed. Nonetheless, Martha smirks at Frodo and says, "See? I told you. There's nothing to be worried about." Bubba raises his eyebrow at her and repeats, "Well...I said it was under review." Read between the lines, lady! You are fucked!

But depending on how you feel about the legal status of this fictional money pit and its sad denizens, the worst news is yet to come. Bubba continues, "Plus, I relay a decision handed down by the Council. [Frodo], master of [Buttfuck] Castle... As of noon tomorrow, you, [Frodo], shall be removed from your position as master of this castle." Frodo and Samwise don their Sunday best shocked expressions, even though Frodo should have seen this coming. In fact, BO already fired him, and given that that happened before all the hullaballoo with Hugo, I kind of figured it would stick. To Frodo's bewildered "Wh-What...?" Bubba needlessly explains, "It means you're only the master until noon tomorrow." Uh, we got that. Thanks.


When Samwise demands further explanation, Bubba shuts her down with, "I'm delivering the message, not the story behind it." Ouch. Frodo starts to stutter a protest about his father, only for Bubba to tell him to pack his dinged up little suitcase because they'll be coming for him tomorrow. "I can't!" Frodo cries. "This castle needs me." Ahahahahaha. Haha. Oh, Frodo. No. Worse still, even though Bubba just said the Council is reviewing the status of this land, he flip-flops to, "We're proclaiming this common land as Zexen Federation territory. The Council has made its decision." That was a fast review.

As Percy and Bubba walk away, their devastation complete, Frodo finally articulates what he was trying to say earlier: "This can't be! This castle was given to me by my father." I'm honestly disappointed in Frodo--as much as I can be disappointed in someone who isn't real--for jumping so quickly to the "BUT WHAT ABOUT MY RICH DADDY" defense. Does he really think his shitty dad is going to have his back on this? Or on anything? Turns out, Percy can answer that question: "[Frodo], your father, Councilor Lowma, has decided to disown you. He no longer recognizes you as his son. I'm sorry." Double ouch. Also, what is with dropping all these Councilors' names on us now, when we're just about done with them having any relevance to the story? Not that I would have cared at the beginning of the game what BO's real name was, but I would have cared a tiny bit more than I do now. I am at negative caring.

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