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"By the way, the 'world' insignia informs me Junior is currently inside Monstro. The text is even in the shape of a whale, with the first 'o' as its blinking eye, so I'm sure to remember that Monstro is indeed a whale. Thanks, game designers."
     -Sam, Kingdom Hearts Part 8

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Suikoden III : Part 5
By Sam
Posted 08.13.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Geddy is now free to explore the village, and buy more armor and items--surprise, for Geddy and Queen. They're living like royalty while the rest of the party sits around in burlap sacks with ropes for belts. After speaking with the Bujutsu teacher to upgrade skills, Geddy enters Jimba's tent. Whoo baby.

Ask him if he's gay.

Joker, Ace and Queen wait outside for him, and what better way to pass the time than to talk shit about their boss? The gist is, Ace is sick and tired of Geddy having private, meaningful "conversations" with other men without inviting him. Wink. Joker and Queen don't seem to mind, since they trust Geddy not to cheat on them. Well, trust just isn't good enough for Ace. "That's pretty obvious but, why can't he let us in on his plans, his thoughts...?" With a whiny, melodramatic flourish that would make Tidus jealous, he finishes, "He's just so distant!" So now he's not only NOT sleeping with Joker, but NOT sleeping with Geddy as well. His lack of romantic interest in both of them is just glaring. Queen shakes her head at him, along with the rest of the universe.

"Oh, well..." Ace says, trying to be nonchalant about his broken heart. "I'm getting kind of hungry. Old man, how about you?" Joker and Ace agree to go find some grub, leaving out Queen, an established vegetarian, and Jacques, who ran off hours ago. How convenient, Ace and Joker get to be aloooooone.

They don't get very far toward their makeout spot finding dinner before they run into trouble at the entrance to the village. Aila is in a tense confrontation with a very white young woman. She's very pale, with white-blonde hair, and she's in a very pretty dress that only a very well-off white girl would have. Aila, for those of you who haven't checked out her picture on the cast bio page, is black. And she'd like to keep the whiteys out of her village, thank you very much. Cracker Princess is telling Aila to leave Karaya Village immediately. I'm sure you can imagine how well Aila takes this. Not that Cracker Princess--or anyone else, for that matter--listens to what Aila says. She stares off into nowhere and says, "That man has condemned you all to die. He has discovered something that will let him justify a million deaths." I don't so much wonder who the guy is as I wonder what justification he found. My justification would be All Grown Up. God, who green-lighted that show?

What would your justification be?
George W. Bush getting re-elected
The existence of Saruman/Treebeard slash
A Cubs/Red Sox World Series


"However," the Cracker Princess continues, "my weak not yet ready." Yeah, you're not a Mary Sue at all, lady. I'm amazed at your display of backbone. She tells Aila that Karaya's goin' down, but the village itself is all that needs to be wiped from existence. "Hurry! You must all flee!" Aila's super-pissed now, and draws her weapon on Whitey. Whitey, who I'll just call Whitney from here on out, sees she's not gonna get anywhere with this angry black person. She teleports out of harm's way as Aila fires an arrow, warns her one last time to get the hell out of Dodge, casts some weird spell, and then vanishes. Joker tells Ace that Whitney is obviously really powerful, given the magic she just used. Frail, beautiful, spineless and magickal? Girl's about a 12.0 on the Mary Sue-o-Meter so far. Aila shrieks, "You're not getting away!" and runs off in pursuit. Joker and Ace follow her.

Out on the Amur Plains, Aila is feeling up the ground with some mystickal powerz. She senses something, and runs off. Joker and Ace are trailing after her, marveling at her fast feet. Joker says she's a Grasslander, so of course she can run fast. Oh, what are they going to say next, that she's automatically good at basketball?! RACIST!!!

Once they catch up with her, Ace makes with the chiding comments again. Aila ignores him, and chooses instead to explain how she's listening to the "earth spirits" in order to catch up with Whitney. What-ever. Those poor earth spirits just never get left alone by these Karayans, do they? Aila runs off again, leaving Ace and Joker in her dust.

'Yes! I love you!'

Back to Jimba and Geddy, having a little quality time together in Jimba's Love Hut. Each of them is surprised that the other is in Grasslands. "Isn't this supposed to be a cursed land to you?" Jimba asks Geddy. "Is it really?" Geddy replies. "I thought I just left because it was too hard to come back after the breakup." They sit down to talk business. Geddy repeats the rumor about the Fire Bringer. Jimba doesn't really know anything, but he does know just enough to name-drop: "I've heard rumors like that often. Recently, the bandits who wreaked havoc with the Matilda Knights a decade ago, spoke of the Fire Bringer." Ooh, that's helpful, except not. Geddy patiently explains that he's looking for real information, not name-dropping, and tells Jimba what happened in the Great Hollow. As before with Zepon, Jimba and Geddy reach the conclusion that Strange Happenings Are Afoot. Guh. I like how we've needed seven million scenes just to make that clear.

Before Geddy and Jimba can get down to their real business, a Karayan Clone runs in and informs Jimba of some commotion outside. Jimba takes off without so much as a goodbye peck on the cheek. Queen enters once he's gone. "It might be wise for us to leave, too," she tells him. "It's clear that something is amiss here." Jesus, WE GET IT. Geddy agrees, and they get ready to blow. Not like that. I mean, Jimba isn't even there, let alone Joker and Ace.

Speaking of them, what are they up to? Back on the plains, Aila confronts Whitney near a big pile of boulders. Whitney readies her staff defensively. Yeah, she has a staff. Surprise! Aila explains that her grandmother was Karaya's village mystic, and passed her powers down to Aila. "When you start using sorcery like hers, the spirits around you start screaming," she says. Screaming in what way, I wonder, because I'm twelve. But Whitney doesn't care that she's been caught. "At the very least," she says, "your life was spared." This is Whitney's way of smacking Aila with the Clue Bat, but Aila's not very smart and doesn't get it.

On either side of Whitney, two men teleport in. One is a redhead dressed in a fancy white coat with gray trim, and is called "Man in Coat." The other is all in black, including a black fedora at a rakish angle, over a long blond braid. He is known as "Man in Black [uh uh uh]." The Creatively-Named Man in Coat chastises Whitney (real name Sarah) for running off without letting them know where she was going and leaving a contact number for emergencies first. Whitney apologizes, all demure in front of Man in Coat and Man in Black. I don't know why. At least she has a name right now. Man in Black gets ready to kill Aila because he feels like it, but Ace and Joker arrive just in time to save her. Boy, this game sure got male-dominated fast, didn't it?

Under cover of a fire spell from Joker, Ace grabs Aila's hand and takes off. Man in Black grins after them, and calls them "shrewd guys." Yeeeeah. O-kay. The obviously eeeeevil threesome warps out, presumably to a kitchen somewhere, so Whitney can get barefoot and make them some pie.

Michael Jackson called from prison. He'd like his outfit back.

A safe distance away, Ace yells at Aila for not realizing what she was up against. What with her mystic powers, she still couldn't figure out the power radiating from Man in Black, even though friggin' Ace noticed it right away. Aila insists that she wouldn't have cared anyway, because Karayans fight hard and never give up. Joker cuts off their argument by calmly pointing out that the village is on fire. Whoops. "What are you waiting for?" Ace asks Aila. "You're one of those Karayan fighters, aren't you?" Aila confirms that she is, because I for one was convinced she was a Lizard. The three of them hurry back to Karaya.

And we're back to Geddy and Queen. We pick up with them standing right outside Jimba's tent, but in the middle of a full-on raid by the Zexen Knights. I'm pretty sure this wasn't happening yet when we left them, so what have they been doing? Probably making out. Obviously. Queen thinks they should get out of there before they get involved. Geddy agrees, but after seeing Borus and some other Knights kill a boatload of Karayans, he is given a choice: either "I have an inkling..." or "We shouldn't get involved." You may be shocked to hear this, but I haven't been equipping these two to the nines for nothing. Geddy chooses the first option, and says to Queen, "I have an inkling... If my opponent is none other than Borus, one of the Mighty Six Zexen Knights, I will be content." Queen raises an eyebrow at him for his inconsistent behavior, but agrees to stick around. Geddy marches right up to Borus and announces himself as Soap Opera Hair's opponent. Even though Chris isn't around, and therefore won't see this super display of machismo, Borus accepts the challenge.

Even though I have Geddy and Queen sufficiently leveled up and equipped with the best stuff I could get, this battle still isn't easy. Borus is accompanied by two generic Knights, and although Geddy uses the first round to wipe them out with Soaring Bolt, Borus himself is still a high-damage pain in the ass. But thanks to Queen's supply of medicine and Geddy's remaining lightning spells, he does go down in five or six turns. VICTOLY!

Following the battle (and the acquisition of a veritable buttload of skill and experience points, yay!) Borus's underlings are ready to take down these creeps, but Borus holds them off, and insists that they're not the enemy. Then he goes back to killing Karayans. Natch.

Geddy and Queen retreat to a safer area and watch the carnage. What a romantic date, pal. They discuss, for the fiftieth time, how strange all these happenings are, and that the Zexen Knights sure are acting oddly. Queen, remembering Ace's earlier hissyfit, asks, "Are you...holding something back?" Not that she minds, she's just curious. Geddy is holding something back (he's...GAY!) but only says "I'm sorry." Queen thinks nothing of it. She's rather content being a beard, so it's okay.

Final verdict on Geddy:
Straight as the rod up Chris the Ice Queen's butt.


Ace and Joker show up at this point with Aila. Aila stares down silently at the burning village. Queen asks, "What's wrong with the girl?" I jump through my TV screen, slap her upside the head, and respond, "Oh, you know, her village just burned down. No big." Jeez, these people. Ace and Joker explain that she tried to take on the Zexens single-handedly, the crazy bitch. How dare she want revenge!

"By the way, where's Jacques?" Ace asks. Why, he's right there. He's just been off trying to catch a rabbit to eat for dinner. Hee.

The next morning, Queen suggests that they head back to Caleria, their base, to regroup and get information. Geddy thinks this plan is dandy. First, though, he asks Aila what she's going to do. Aila figures she might track down Whitney if she comes with the 12th Unit, and also they need someone with healing magic because their party is lacking. Convenient, that. "If fighting is in your blood, come along," Geddy tells her. "They say Karaya warriors are brave. Are you?" I expect this to open the floodgates for Aila, and for her to rant on for ten minutes about how all Karayans are BRAVE and STRONG, even the WOMEN, but she's just all, "Uh...yeah." Whew. With the Poké Ball GO!!! sound effect we haven't heard since Suikoden II, Aila officially joins the 108 Stars of Destiny. Ace is worried about how to pay for her living expenses, but no one else cares. Ha ha, no one likes you, Ace!

In the next recap, the 12th Unit will get to Caleria...eventually. First they'll go on ten thousand side trips, and meet a whole slew of new characters. They might even get to smoke a little pipeweed. Yay!

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