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  -KH Main
  -Part 1 :: [12.06.02]
  -Part 2 :: [12.29.02]
  -Part 3 :: [01.26.03]
  -Part 4 :: [02.13.03]
  -Part 5 :: [05.26.03]
  -Part 6 :: [10.18.03]
  -Part 7 :: [01.19.04]
  -Part 8 :: [03.09.04]
  -Part 9 :: [08.08.04]
  -Part 10 :: [02.17.05]
  -Part 11 :: [06.06.05]
  -Part 12 :: [02.17.06]
  -Part 13 :: [08.15.06]
  -Part 14 :: [04.01.13]
  -Part 15 :: [11.11.13]
  -Part 16 :: [04.27.14]

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"When the exposition shows no sign of ending, Twink gets ready to run back up the dais and shut him up with a hot homosexual kiss, but then Mr. Sexy finishes with, 'This is the legend of the temples passed down by my people, the Sheikah.' Ooh, he's going to do it with a Sheikah! How exotic!"
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 3

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Kingdom Hearts : Part 7
By Sam
Posted 01.19.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Junior receives the Ray of Light accessory following the battle, because the game designers are starting to run out of special item names that can be linked to the bosses themselves. I know "pot spider centipede" just screams "ray of light" to me. Following the battle, Aladdin screams "Jasmine!" for a second time, only to hear Jafar's evil laugh in return. He orders the gang to the desert in pursuit. There's no reason at the moment to believe that's where Jafar was taking her, but as Aladdin is right, we can let that slide.

Junior, @%$#!!! and Aladdin fight their way out of the city--yes, more Heartless reappeared right after I had to fight a squicky boss battle, this stupid game--and take another carpet ride out to the nighttime desert. Before them lies the previously-described entrance to the Cave of Wonders. The panther's head pops out of its slumber in the sand, and it looks just a wee bit cranky for it. This Cave of Wonders has been possessed by the Heartless, and therefore it's not much of a talker; the guys simply have to kick its ass to get inside. Junior's brilliant strategy in this battle is to stand on the panther's head and whack at its eyeballs. Although it's a pain in the ass to get up there at all, let alone stay up there when the head is swaying wildly to and fro, it's the only way to do damage, and Aladdin and @%$#!!! get to stay on the ground and get smacked around by Heartless. Bonus! Eventually, the kitty calms down, and the guys climb into his mouth. I'm going to leave the implications of that the hell alone, thank you.

I know there's a dirty joke in that somewhere.

This place, too, is filled to bursting with the same Heartless as in the city. "At least there aren't any pots around, right?" Right. Too bad there are barrel spiders here. Oh, and then some pot spiders, too. Christ, how I hate Agrabah. Junior and Co. continue through the area, which bears more than a passing resemblance to every temple from every Indiana Jones movie. Dark chasms, tiny ledges, rolling boulders, the whole bit. Now we just need someone to yank Junior's heart out of his chest. Hopefully that will happen later.

Like there hasn't been enough of this crap here in Agrabah already, Junior gets to do a lot more running around, balancing on ledges, et cetera. He even falls to the bottom of the chasms, where he gets to go swimming with his buddies for more treasure. Yes, it's crappy treasure, but they all keep their clothes on, so it could have been a lot worse. Reaching Jafar takes a lot of backtracking and activating switches with Aladdin's monkey. (No keyholes, thank God, but I did just say "activating switches" and "monkey." Dammit.) So again, for the sake of my sanity, we're going to skip all that shit. Feel free to complain about it. I will then feel free to point at you and laugh.

Anyway, once all the switches have been thrown, the secret door in the treasure room is open, and our heroes go inside to confront Jafar. He has ordered a slumping Genie to show him the keyhole. Genie jerks his thumb at a nearby wall, where the rock breaks apart to reveal another keyhole just itching for Junior's lovin'. I don't know why I was compelled to say that, but I can tell you I severely regret even thinking it.

Fast forward a little bit. Jafar and Maleficent are now examining the keyhole, discussing that "persistent" boy. I think they mean Junior, because Jafar asks, "Why not explain the situation to that boy Riku?" He's making his case for this when that persistent boy runs into the room with his wayward pals. Junior stops in the middle of the chamber, looks up and says, "Wait a minute. Are you...Maleficent?" Leave it to Junior to cut straight to the important things. Tool. Maleficent declines to respond and disappears.

Aladdin, not giving a shit about her, demands that Jafar "let Jasmine GO!" The "GO!" comes out like he felt suddenly constipated. Jafar patiently explains to the fez-sporting love of his life that Jasmine is one of the princesses who will open the door. "Open?" Goofy says, and @%$#!!! finishes, "The doooooooooor?" like it needs extra special emphasis. We haven't heard about that fucking door every five minutes for the last eight hours or anything. "But you fools won't live to see what lies beyond it," Jafar says. Just a guess, but JUNIOR IS GOING TO OPEN THE DOOR. WITH HIS KEY. THAT IS ALSO A BLADE.

Now that we've covered previously-established facts, again, we can return to the actual ongoing plot. "Genie!" Jafar cries. "My second wish. Crush them!" Hee. I like Jafar. You know, more than everyone else in the room. I'm a little pissed off at Goofy for that door nonsense. Aladdin pleads with Genie, but of course Genie has no choice. The boss battle thus begins. Basically, Jafar floats around the room, just out of Junior's reach from the ground, and casts a variety of spells at the party. Genie, in a rare display of kindness from the game designers, does almost no damage when he hits the party, and releases a load of HP balls with every blow. Ew. Junior and @%$#!!! use up their magic pretty quickly, because for over half the battle, it's the only way to hit Jafar. Whenever he floats near a ledge, though, Junior can give him the whacking of a lifetime.

...This game is warping my fragile little mind.

Despite the problems inherent in the battle--not the least of which being that Aladdin doesn't do anything--Jafar is defeated soon enough. Junior receives an upgrade to his ice magic, now Blizzara, for winning. But Jafar's not done! To the surprise of absolutely no one, he uses his final wish to make himself a genie. The power of this transformation obliterates the floor of the chamber, and everyone save Jasmine plunges down to the fiery depths underneath for the final battle.

This is, for those of you keeping score at home, the fourth boss battle of the recap. And also the easiest, but that's not going to stop me from bitching. Bitch bitch bitchity bitch. Jafar, in his veiny, red, genie glory, hovers around the area and attacks as before, albeit with much more power. While I believe it is technically possible to kill Jafar, his hit points are linked to the lamp, carried around by Iago. Hmm, attack the magic Lucifer genie, or attack the parrot? Difficult choice, there. Following the battle, Junior holds up the lamp, making sure the phallic spout is sticking straight up, and sucks Jafar inside it. He receives the Fira magic upgrade and also the first part of Ansem's Report. At least these boss battles have been paying off reasonably well.

On the edge of the gaping hole above, Jasmine is peering down, looking for her man. She slowly turns around, noticing there's someone behind her. Before she can even cry out in helpless female surprise, she's been Sue-napped. Two seconds later, Aladdin shows up to yell her name a bunch more, while Junior turns his horny gaze to the keyhole. It's glowing with anticipation. Of course, it's disappointed greatly with his nanosecond wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am approach, but to make him feel like a big brute man, it glows with a whole lot of golden light before locking itself.

Genie!Jafar was apparently a load-bearing boss, because the entire cave begins to shake and crumble. The whole gang escapes on Aladdin's magic carpet, which I get to flip and move to gather munny and avoid stalactites. While it's as woefully half-assed and ill-conceived as the gummi ship mini-game, I manage to avoid killing everyone before they escape the cave. Everyone returns to Agrabah safe and sound, where Aladdin mopes endlessly over losing Jasmine. WAH.

Genie reminds Aladdin that he could use his final wish to bring back Jasmine. But since Aladdin is true to his word, he says, "I...I wish...for your freedom, Genie." The golden manacles snap off and Genie sprouts tiny legs, marking his freedom. (During the transformation of his lower body, Junior, @%$#!!! and Goofy stare creepily.) Everyone feels mushy. Even "better," now that Genie is free he can accompany Junior in the form of a summon. That way, he can still help find Jasmine. How...convenient.

Cut on over to Maleficent's Chamber of Super Evil Things, where Hades is ragging Riku for not bothering to help out Jafar in his hour of need. Riku sneers around the room, and reminds Hades that he did his job by bringing Jasmine to them. Maleficent says Jafar was "beyond help, consumed by his own hatred." The metaphorical partner of hatred is daaaaaaaaaarkness, in case you've had your head stuck in a jar for the rest of the game. She continues, "One should not let it burn too fiercely," looking pointedly at Hades. He backs off, stammering. Y'know, Jafar's technically not dead, guys. You could go get his lamp and use him to grant you wishes and stuff. No one thinks of this, for some reason. They are, however, thinking of giving Riku "something special." Oh Lord, I DO NOT want to know. Actually, it turns out that he's doing them favors in exchange for them saving Token. Captain Hook, Pedophile Extraordinaire, is ready to take Riku aboard the Jolly Roger for this purpose. Or for some other purpose that I'm sure we can all figure out. Seriously. The Jolly Roger. If there's a dirtier ship name than that, I don't want to hear it.

Not for Riku, certainly.

Riku, smart lad that he is, wants to know what the catch is. The catch, weirdly, is that Maleficent just wuvs him that much. Ick. He glares at his surrogate mommy before stalking off with the Cap'n.

Back in Agrabah, Aladdin gives Junior a parting gift: the Three Wishes keychain. Now I can always remember the good times had in Agrabah, penetrating keyholes left and right. Thanks, Aladdin. The gang also gains the ability to use green trinity marks. Since there's one down by the save point, they go to try it out. The green trinity is called the Trinity Ladder. Goofy stands fast, while Junior takes a cue from Dear Old Dad and leaps onto his friend's shoulders, humping Goofy's neck. @%$#!!! follows suit on Junior, and together they reach the treasure chest on the highest shelf. I don't know why these three have this obsession with humping each other every time they see a few marks on the ground, but I'd like it to please stop now. Unfortunately for me, I'm sure there will be plenty more opportunities to use the Trinity Tidus.

That last event made me lose the will to live, so we're going to end this recap and I'm going to go drown myself in a bowl of ice cream. If I survive the brain freeze, next time you'll be joining me again as I suffer through an excursion through the interior of a giant whale, just so I can get out of recapping Atlantica. Yes, I hate Atlantica that much. At least I can look forward to some well-earned Riku time. Until part 8, everyone!

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