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  -KH Main
  -Part 1 :: [12.06.02]
  -Part 2 :: [12.29.02]
  -Part 3 :: [01.26.03]
  -Part 4 :: [02.13.03]
  -Part 5 :: [05.26.03]
  -Part 6 :: [10.18.03]
  -Part 7 :: [01.19.04]
  -Part 8 :: [03.09.04]
  -Part 9 :: [08.08.04]
  -Part 10 :: [02.17.05]
  -Part 11 :: [06.06.05]
  -Part 12 :: [02.17.06]
  -Part 13 :: [08.15.06]
  -Part 14 :: [04.01.13]
  -Part 15 :: [11.11.13]
  -Part 16 :: [04.27.14]


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"Flik wants to unite forces and bring down the Flower General. PUGGY!!! perks up at the thought of adding the Flower General to his collection. In homosexual terms, he's practically the equivalent of a Mewtwo."
     -Jeanne, Suikoden Part 6




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Kingdom Hearts : Part 7
By Sam
Posted 01.19.04
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
On the way out of the alley, Junior notices a keyhole in the wall near where Jafar was standing. Of course, not even Jafar is stupid enough to miss that, so it must not be the real keyhole. What it is, Junior gleefully finds, is a trigger mechanism allowing him to enter a previously barred gate across the alley. "How is this activated?" you may be asking. Why, it's so delightfully clear! Junior must simply thrust his hard, gleaming Keyblade into the hole! Brilliant!

...I'll just be off to wrest my eyeballs from their sockets now.

Although, I can't quite decide if this is worse than his usual distance penetration. At least this time I don't have to see the sparkly pretty money shot. Thank God for small favors.

 
I'm sure there's a fanfic about this somewhere.

That traumatizing ordeal behind us, Junior proceeds through the upper levels of the city. For the next several minutes hours minutes, he will engage in a thrilling activity known as "mind-numbing platforming." Like a fair few of the other worlds, Agrabah is littered with tiny ledges and platforms, and of course Junior must navigate them via jumping. But that's not enough for Agrabah. Oh dear me no. The ledges, most of which are about as wide as Junior's legs-spread stance (yes, I did just say that, and yes, you may throw up if you need to), are also populated with pot spiders. Pot spiders that knock Junior off the fucking ledges. Pot spiders that reappear with the purpose of knocking him off the ledges as many times as it takes for me to get pissed and turn off the game. Oh, and since the ledges are so small, @%$#!!! and Goofy generally can't fight, as they are either dangling off the ledges or standing around on the ground level, eating popcorn. Don't even get me started on how half this jumping is just to get to a treasure chest with a fucking GUMMI in it. How worth the trouble but not.

What the hell is wrong with this game?
Nothing! I love it exactly how it is! *handjobs Square*
I'd like better platforming without all the clich? plot crap.
I'd like more plot and not so much shitty platforming.
I'd like Riku to kick Junior's ass.
I'd like the game designers to stop doing drugs.

 

Earnest, and admittedly wanky, beef about Kingdom Hearts: I like that they tried to combine RPG elements and platforming elements. But considering how much platform-jumping and shit goes on in this game, you'd think they would have tried a little harder on the controls. Mario jumping precision this ain't. Or maybe I just suck.

At any rate, if I have to give a blow-by-blow more detailed account than that, I'll have to take a break to vacuum all my torn-out hair off the keyboard. And the vacuum is all the way across the room. So let's just skip it. Eventually, Junior makes it to what the screen tells us is Aladdin's pad. There's a bunch of crates, boxes and other junk scattered haphazardly across the room, the number one clue that Jasmine hasn't moved in with her man yet. Also, he's keeping a chest of dalmatian puppies in his room. I wonder if anyone's told PETA about this game.

Near the far wall Junior discovers a victim of Aladdin's bachelor-induced slobbishness: a magic carpet stuck under a bureau. Junior plays Manly Man and shoves the dresser to one side, freeing the annoyed carpet. Not bothering to thank the little weiner, the carpet flies out a gaping hole in Aladdin's wall. @%$#!!! tells Junior they should follow it, because when walking into some random guy's room and seeing a carpet fling itself off a building, the logical next step is to go after it.

Before leaving the room, though, Junior pushes aside another piece of furniture. Not to free another tapestry, but to find a second keyhole. Without a moment's hesitation Junior makes a woman out of this one, too, which apparently unlocks some gate in town. Okay, folks. Look. It has been established that the gunblade is the most phallic weapon ever. But I'd just like to point out right now that neither Squally nor Seifer are ever given the opportunity to plug their gunblades into gunblade-shaped holes. Yet here we are, and Junior has already gotten it on with at least FIVE cavities perfect for his magnum-size key.

Junior: he's like Wilt Chamberlain, in a way.

The gang runs outside the city entrance, where the magic carpet has been pacing around (in the air), waiting for them like Lassie ready to lead Timmy to a burning barn. Our heroes immediately jump on top of it, and I don't know how you make the leap from "go with the flow" to "jump on the carpet because we know it can carry us across the desert even though in theory we've never heard of the story of Aladdin." But maybe flying magic carpets are all over every planet in Kingdom Hearts and I just haven't noticed any yet.

Cut to nighttime. Aladdin and his monkey Abu, each wearing a stupid fez, are drowning in quicksand. I like this scene already. Unhappily, Junior, @%$#!!! and Goofy arrive just in time to slay a bunch more Heartless and help him out. Following the scuffle, Aladdin proves that he didn't really need their help at all and pulls out a golden lamp with a phallic spout. "Genie, get rid of these guys!" he cries wankily. Out of the phallic spout comes (heh) the blue, babbling Genie of the Lamp. Genie vaporizes the remaining Heartless with a snap of his fingers.

 
I wish for you to shut up.

Back out in the middle of nowhere, Junior and Aladdin have a nice round of Pass the Exposition. Aladdin was treasure hunting in the Cave of Wonders before they found him. His spoils? The lamp and the magic carpet. Wait, you mean the same magic carpet that Junior found trapped under a dresser? Did the dresser fall out of the sky and pin him? Hi, Consistency, the rest of us are over here. Speaking of the lamp, the Genie interrupts, yapping at length and at great speed. While I worship Dan Castellaneta, he's just doing a shitty Robin Williams impersonation here. And the real Robin Williams is quite annoying enough. Genie runs through the basic principles of what being a genie means (three wishes, living in the lamp), and he and Aladdin do a quick rehash of the plot of the movie, in which Aladdin wants to become a prince to romance Jasmine, but promises to set Genie free after they take care of bid-ness in Agrabah. And so on. You've all seen the movie, right? Because it's way better than this.

Oh, yeah. What about Jasmine? Aladdin has only been talking about his LURVE for her for about five minutes when Junior, bless his two tiny brain cells, suddenly remembers that "she's in trouble!" Didn't they only start looking for Aladdin in the first place because Jasmine was talking about him? And it only occurs to any of them right now that his Jasmine and the one they met might be the same person, when BOTH of them know Aladdin? Fucking seriously, how many Princess Jasmines do these monkeys think there are in Agrabah?

Once Aladdin hears that his woman's in peril they're off in a flash back to the city. And there's yet another immediate ambush by Heartless, but this time Aladdin has taken Goofy's place in the party. Positively thrilling, that. Now there are three annoying bitches fighting for me. Said bitches fight their way through the city again, stopping back at Aladdin's place to rest. The subject of the keyhole comes up--probably from Aladdin and Junior swapping personal tales of sexual deviancy--and Genie seems to know something about it. But he hasn't heard much on the subject in a couple centuries, so a fat lot of freaking good that does. Go sit in the corner, Genie.

How could this world be more like a porno?
Jasmine is wearing way too much clothing.
The music, while already Arabian and kinky, needs more bamp-chicka-bow-wow.
Junior, @%$#!!! and Goofy haven't acted on their obvious lust for each other yet.
The buildings should be shaped like peni--oh, wait.

 

Junior takes the opportunity to save in here (and have another quickie with Keyhole Slut #2) before jumping back out into the street. After helping himself to some more treasure and munny, Junior finds a prize much more valuable (to him): a third keyhole. As he's doing his business--and have I mentioned there's a close-up on this every time he does it?--I wonder to myself about the boy's stamina. Gods, he's barely even a teenager, and he's gotten more symbolic tang than an astronaut in this place. I hope he doesn't pass out from exhaustion in a boss fight or anything.

Keyhole Slut #3 unlocked the door to the palace gates area, which is where we're headed next. Jafar and Jasmine are there, Jafar looking for the keyhole. I'm really hoping no one finds it, ever. It's okay with me that Agrabah gets blinked out of existence if it means Junior will keep it in his...er...I guess it's never in his pants, is it?

Jafar, happily, has not found the keyhole yet. And he's not likely to with that hawt street rat Aladdin distracting him. "Aladdin, you waxed your chest for me!" he cries, swooning. No, not really. He actually says, "Back to your hole, street rat." See, it's funny because rats live in holes in the wall, and Aladdin has a hole in his wall, and...I'll shut up. "I will not allow you to trouble the princess any more." Aladdin cries out to Jasmine, and she responds, "I'm so sorry, Aladdin. But Jafar has that pointy beard, and...well, you understand." As secretly as he can manage, Aladdin rubs his lamp and asks Genie to help Jasmine. He obliges and scoops her up from behind Jafar's back. Jafar just laughs it off, and watches as Iago flaps down to him, the lamp in his grasp. Boy, Aladdin must have a raging case of ADD if he doesn't even notice a parrot trying to rip a lamp out of his hands.

As soon as Jafar touches the lamp, the Genie de-materializes, dropping Jasmine into a nearby pot. I was just about to say that it's a good thing she landed in one of the ones without a spider in it, when the pot sprouted legs. EW EW EW KILL IIIIIIIIT. Jafar and Iago take off, leaving Junior and Friends surrounded by a bunch of pot spiders. This is like every phobic nightmare I've ever had, except Junior hasn't fallen out of an airplane/off a bridge without a parachute yet.

It gets better. A few of the pots morph into what appear to be segments of a long insect, and they join up with the others to make a centipede out of pot spiders. Okay, so it's terrifying to anyone with insect issues, it's a pain in the ass, and it's vaguely phallic. Yet there must have been several people, at least, who thought this was a good idea. They're now all on my ever-growing list of People Who Need a Good Crotch-Punching.

 
Where's that giant Monty Python foot when I need it?

Junior, Aladdin and @%$#!!! follow the pot centipede through the streets of Agrabah. As it winds down the street, it collects more and more pot spiders. It feels like the guys aren't making any progress at all, because it's adding spiders as fast as they're killing them. Yet somehow, it eventually dies. Thankfully, it doesn't explode into buggy little bits, because I would probably vomit. Not joking there.

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