Grandia II : Part 2
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Millenia wants to know what's going on, but Ryudo demands that she release him. She does, and Ryudo tells Risotto that he'll be right down. Millenia follows. Back in the common room, the circus performers are gathered around a table, talking about Tidink. "Two can't walk a tightrope. If the boy wants to make his own bed, then let him eat it too," Paella contributes. Ooookay. Millenia wants to know what's up with these "losers." "These carnies? They're all mopey 'cause the runt ran off to feed some monsters. A scrub like him won't make half a meal," Ryudo explains. Man, how I used to love using the word "scrub." I should really use it more often. Millenia wants to know why the hell the circus folk didn't do anything about it. They answer her using all sorts of circus terms and phrases, just to remind us of what they are. Just as they decide that going after Tidink might not be such a bad idea, Ryudo jumps in and tells them that he'll take care of it. The circus people think that they should go along to help, but since they don't appear in the instruction booklet as playable characters, they have to stay behind. Millenia is touched that Ryudo's such a "sweetheart" and she rubs herself all over him.
|Time to lay off the weed, Gonzola.
Millenia thinks their little outing will be fun, but Ryudo tells her, "If your idea of fun is wading through rivers of blood, gobbets of flesh and gut fresh upon your lips, then yes, it will be fun." Don't hold back Ryudo, tell us what you really think. "Then what're we waiting for, tiger!? I'm getting antsy. 'Course, I COULD just have some fun right here, if you want..." Millenia replies. Uh-oh, not in front of all those people. Skye makes a snide remark, and Millenia threatens to turn him into charcoal. Girl, the bird is already as flaming as can be -- what more could you do? Ryudo relents and lets Millenia come along. "See? That wasn't too hard, now was it? Confident, yet willing to listen to reason. Just what I want in a M-A-N. <3" She's so shy and demure.
Ryudo goes around and talks to the circus folk one more time. Most of them have nothing of note to say, but Paella and Millenia get into a catfight. Because there's no way two hot women can be in the same room without getting bitchy with each other. Paella snarks at Millenia's revealing outfit, and Millenia calls Paella an old hag. Right. Paella's so wrinkled and decrepit. Whatever, Millenia. Of course it's every game designer's and fanboy's fantasy that two hot chicks are going to get into a bitch fight and accidentally end up doing it, so it's not like this scene is any surprise. Some game designer really got off on writing this dialogue because it goes on longer than an actual cut scene. Finally the bitches start repeating themselves, so I move on.
The guard at the barricade is moaning about the kid getting past when his back was turned. Maybe if the barricade wasn't so useless and shitty, this wouldn't have happened. He warns Ryudo about the monster in the cave, which happens to be the horned monster that was talked about earlier, so it's not like this is new information. Ryudo bitches some more about the kid slowing him down, and then it's time for me to try to find the cave. Of course, I could go right from point A to point B, but that would be too easy. Instead, I wind my way around the area, getting completely lost. Sometimes I make myself sad. Finally, I find the extremely obvious cave.
Inside the cave, the camera helpfully pans around the area for about ten minutes, highlighting pretty much every puzzle that I'm going to have to solve later. The cave looks like every other cave in an RPG: stalactites on the ceiling, a river separating all the various areas, lit torches everywhere. I'm glad that the monsters took it upon themselves to light up the area. That's so convenient. Speaking of convenient, a series of stalactites falls down next to the overlook where the characters are, forming a perfect little ramp. Thanks so much, cave!
Ryudo and Millenia save at a nearby Gay Cone, and then head into the bowels of the cavern. In the first room, a cute little creature that looks like every single cute anime creature in existence appears. Ryudo helpfully explains that it's a Carro, and it likes Poff Nuts. That's nice, but as I currently have no Poff Nuts on my person (insert nuts joke here), I can't do anything at the moment. The instruction book informs me that feeding nuts to the Carro causes its tail to light up dark caverns, but seeing as how the monsters already took care of that for me, I'm not too concerned.
There are a few extremely obvious puzzles in the cave, like the giant boulder that, when pushed, creates an opening to the next area. However, the boulder just disappears into thin air at that point. Where did it go? A lever in the center of the main cavern lifts one of the floodgates and lowers another, creating a bridge that leads to other parts of the cave. Why am I telling you all this? Oh right, filler. There are a lot of monsters, some of which, like the snakes, are reused from the previous area. Way to go, game designers. The snakes like to poison me with their poisonous venom, which makes me cry. One amusing thing about the battles is that Millenia has a Bitch-o-meter that increases every time she takes damage. When the Bitch-o-meter is at full, she goes berserk. Not that I like having characters who use MP without my express consent, but the whole concept is rather amusing. I wish I had a Bitch-o-meter that, when full, would write these recaps automatically.
In the next area, Ryudo and Millenia find Tidink surrounded by monsters that look like they're about to engage in a little bit of assrape. Ryudo is impressed that Tidink made it this far. Millenia asks if Tidink is the monster, and Ryudo is all, "No, duh!" See, it's supposed to be all funny and stuff, but I don't buy that Millenia is stupid enough to not connect the dots between "little boy we're supposed to rescue" and "oh, there's a little boy being attacked by monsters over there." Whatever, game designers. Of course this is Ryudo and Millenia's clue to attack the three monsters while Tidink just stands there picking his ass. The monsters are more difficult than anything I've encountered thus far, but they give me a new magic egg when I defeat them, so I'm not complaining.
After the battle, Tidink thanks them for saving his virgin ass. Ryudo is all pissy that they even had to bother. He tells Tidink to get the hell out of there. Tidink responds by asking Ryudo and Millenia what they're doing there. Millenia tells him that they're clearing out the cavern, and Tidink thinks that sounds just nifty. He wants to go along, of course. Ryudo does not like this idea one bit. I can't understand why -- every RPG party needs an annoying wanker kid along. Tidink refuses to leave, and whines some more about his precioussssss that his dead mom left to him. "Well, when you run into her, tell her that she should have left you some common sense instead," Ryudo says politely. It's so hard for me to hate him when he says stuff like that, but then I remember that earlier scene and I have to shudder. "It's precious! I cannot lose it...NO MATTER WHAT!" Tidink shrieks. Yeah, but is the medal precious? I haven't quite had that hammered into my skull enough times. Tidink runs up to Ryudo and starts pummeling him. Ryudo simply steps back out of the reach of those "lethal" fists. At that point, Millenia grabs Tidink from behind and in a fit of pedophilia, smashes his head into her boobs. She gushes about how KYUUUTE he is and how she wants to take him along.
Tidink is beside himself with happiness, and he probably has a bit of a mommy complex with Millenia, whom he addresses as "Miss Millenia." Of course Ryudo objects to bringing the brat along, saying that it's dangerous ahead. Millenia interprets this as Ryudo caring about her and gets all giddy. Jesus jumping on a trampoline, can one female character not base her entire happiness on what the hero thinks of her? Millenia goes into stereotypical female mode, gushing about how she's going to protect Tidink. She pushes Tidink's face into her boobs again. I have the distinct impression that Tidink doesn't appreciate it all that much, if you catch my meaning. Ryudo finally gives in grudgingly, wishing that he could push his face into Millenia's cleavage. Tidink is as happy as a clam that he gets to go along, but as Ryudo tells him, "...if you slow us down or just piss me off, your butt will be skipping down Lollipop Lane on its own." Oh, how I wish Auron would say that to Tidus.
|I'm so proud to be a member of her gender.
The party continues on with its new useless member. That sounded kind of wrong. Tidink gets his butt reamed in the first battle, which goes to show just how much of an asset he's going to be to me. There are some more lame-ass puzzles around the cave that take maybe half of a brain cell to solve. As soon as those are out of the way, and as soon as the party visits the Gay Save Cone, it's time to fight the big bad boss. The giant horny beast is accompanied by two of the creatures that were preparing to molest Tidink earlier. The game designers hate me enough to give the horny beast an attack that takes off half a character's HP and confuses him or her. Once again, however, my intricate strategy of "use the strongest attacks and heal when necessary" comes in handy. After the battle, the monster is still alive and kicking, to Ryudo's dismay. Tidink wants to know what they should do, but Millenia takes the opportunity to burn the creature into charcoal. Why in God's name did she not do that fifteen minutes ago? God damn game designers. "Hah. Serves you right to be toying with the 'Wings of Valmar'!" she snots. The Wings of Valmar? I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT'S WHAT MILLENIA WAS. Gee, I wonder if the fact that Mary Sue is possessed by the Wings of Valmar and Millenia is the Wings of Valmar has anything to do with the fact that you never see the two of them at the same time? Hmmmm...... Ryudo is completely shocked and stuff though, not having put two and two together yet. Millenia is all, "Did I say that out loud? ...Shit." Tidink seems to have missed that entire comment, as he's all about kissing Millenia's ass. She tells him to go get his medal, and he bends down to retrieve it from the monster's charred corpse. He kisses Millenia's ass some more, and Ryudo asks him if he heard Millenia refer to herself as the Wings of Valmar. Of course he didn't, as he was standing a few feet away from her, encased in the invisible "I can't hear pertinent plot points" RPG bubble.
With that completely lame and pointless fetch quest/rescue mission out of the way, the party visits the Save Cone of Gay. That's as good a point as any to end this recap. Join me next time when more annoying stuff happens.