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  -G2 Main
  -Part 1 :: [11.25.02]
  -Part 2 :: [07.04.03]
  -Part 3 :: [08.17.04]
  -Part 4 :: [08.17.04]
  -Part 5 :: [11.08.04]
  -Part 6 :: [03.27.05]
  -Part 7 :: [03.27.05]
  -Part 8 :: [01.10.08]
  -Part 9 :: [01.10.08]


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"As you know, I most certainly did not get stuck on a boss and have to re-tape all my footage. But if I had, this would have been the boss. Because not only does it have a zillion HP, but it has high defense and some nasty group attacks that it can do twice in a row. Not to mention a disturbing attack where Gay Dwarf straddles the phallic cannon and fires it."
     -Jeanne, Chrono Cross Part 7




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Grandia II : Part 2
By Jeanne
Posted 07.04.03
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Skye:
Wants Ryudo and Mary Sue to get together.
Wants Ryudo all to his feathered self.
He's a bird! That's just sick!

 
Skye is disappointed that the object of his affection is smitten with the fairer sex, or in this case, Mary Sue. He snippily flies back to the top of the tent, as Ryudo lays himself down by the fire. Yeah, that sounded wrong. The camera pans over to show us Mary Sue lying there, awake, conveniently hearing the whole nauseating conversation. Instead of being sickened, which is the logical response, she is all, "...Why did he not tell me..." I'll tell you why -- because the game designers wanted to create romantic "tension" and they have no clue how to do so realistically.

Thankfully, the scene ends there. The next morning, Everything is Happy in the World! Music plays as Mary Sue perkily wakes Ryudo up. Ryudo wonders what the hell is with her, and Mary Sue, of course, apologizes for thinking Ryudo was "just another detestable [Geodude]." She apologizes to Skye, too, for thinking he was a gay falcon. "What snuck into your sleeping bag? I AM a detestable [Geodude]," Ryudo informs her. Oh, so we're back to the other attitude now. Right. Mary Sue asks them to help her get to the cathedral, as if they hadn't been doing that all along. Shut up, Mary Sue.

Finally, the stupid shit is over, and it's back to the good old traveling again. I never thought I'd be so happy to fight battles. Now that they're further along the path, the mushrooms have been replaced by tied up boulders that come loose when someone walks past them. Oh, and boulders that just happen to be strategically placed on see-saw contraptions. This frees up paths to random stuff, but you know what? I'm beyond caring at this point. I take the fastest trip possible from point A to point B for once.

At the foot of the "mountains," Ryudo and Mary Sue find themselves in Agear Town. We find out soon enough that this is no ordinary town. There are soldiers and tents scattered about in front of the giant wall, and the camera pans over the blockade to show the stone rubble of what once was the main part of town. The Winds of Desolation blow mournfully in the background. The camera makes good and sure that we've seen every inch of the place by the time we return to Ryudo and Mary Sue. I think we get the point. Mary Sue wonders if this is a town. No, it's a fucking Wal-Mart. Ryudo mentions that it wasn't always like this, as if we couldn't have figured out that the ruined buildings and patrolling soldiers mean that something bad happened. Mary Sue whines that she wanted to sleep in a real bed, and Ryudo tells her to deal.

I take this opportunity to explore the "town," meaning that random people supply me with the complete backstory of the place. Basically, all the soldiers guard the town after monsters destroyed it, because it's an "important crossroads." Of course, as Ryudo points out, the fact that the area is blocked off kind of prevents anyone from passing through. He asks a guard how the monsters got over the wall. Um, they're monsters? Some of them probably could have flown? Apparently they emerged from a cave inside the wall. Then, um, what's the point of the wall? The townspeople all made like a tree and got out of there, except for Vyx the innkeeper, who not only built another inn, but hired guards for the town. Mary Sue is all impressed with the innkeeper, but I think he sounds like kind of a dolt.

The inn doesn't look all that terrible, but Ryudo makes a point to diss it because he's still trying to hide the fact that he's a big, overemotional wanker. As it turns out, Ryudo and Vyx once worked "a job" together, so they know each other. Of course they do. Another guy standing outside the inn explains that the barricades about town are for keeping the monsters out. Wait, a bunch of stupid logs bound together is going to stop a group of creatures that destroyed an entire fucking town? Sure, whatever. Mary Sue frets about how the only way to get where they're going is through the town, and I wonder why she suddenly knows her way around when she didn't even know there was a town there a minute ago. Ryudo snottily tells her that they're still going to go through town, and that it's now time to rest. Again? They rested five damn minutes ago. What a couple of wusses.

Of course I don't go into the inn yet. First I talk to the guy who's actually guarding the piddly little barricade. He randomly informs Ryudo that a big monster smashed the gate with its horns and then went back in the cave. Translation: I'm going to have to go into the cave and fight the giant horned monster. Hooray.

In the inn, which is currently empty, Ryudo and Mary Sue sit at the bar while Ryudo has a chat with Vyx. We re-learn all the information about monsters destroying the town. Apparently Vyx used to be a badass, but is now retired. He wishes that he had a few more good men (not in a Squally way....I think) to get rid of those pesky monsters. Gee, I wonder if there's anyone around who could clear them out? No! Vyx asks who Mary Sue is, and wonders if she's Ryudo's piece of ass. Ryudo denies it of course, even though he's lying, unfortunately.

Just then, a large bang attracts Ryudo's attention. The camera pans over to a formerly empty table, which is now surrounded by five people. One of them, a green-clad boy named Roan who looks like the lovechild of Link and Tidus, is whining about a medal that belonged to his mother. His name is now Tidink. Tidink knocked over a chair in his whiny fury, which makes him lean a little more to the Tidus side of the spectrum. He begs his companions to "do something." Gonzola, a green-haired guy whose outfit makes him look like a gay disco dancer, refuses, saying that they're not "going back to that place." Gee, I wonder if Ryudo will be going there?

Ryudo asks Vyx what the hell is up with "those clowns." Vyx replies, "Funny you call them that. They ducked in here to slip away from some monsters that apparently took a liking to their finery." I'm wondering two things at the moment. First, what the hell is stopping the monsters from busting into the piddly little inn, and second, are these the gayest monsters ever, or what? Apparently the monsters stole something from Tidink as well, hence his begging and whining. Vyx thinks the kid is a wealthy runaway, and asks Ryudo to look into the situation.

The next scene is voice-acted. Tidink begs for the fops' help again. His voice sounds like a mix between Tidus as a kid and Ash from Pokemon. Gonzola is all, "No means no." Risotto, the obligatory dumb tough guy of the group who looks like Wakka on steroids, agrees. "Right, Paella?" he asks, clumsily leading us into the next character introduction. Paella is a chick with big boobs and pink hair that looks like something out of Sailor Moon. She reiterates what Gonzola said, in a worldly-chick kind of way, saying that they don't want to push their luck. The last guy, Carpaccio, is a little dude who looks like Dobby the house elf mated with a gay pirate. "The odds are too stacked. We just ain't cut out for these high-stakes gambles," he wusses. Tidink begs yet again, saying, "It...it's precious to me!" Okay, Gollum. Gonzola tells Tidink that fighting isn't their job, and why doesn't he ask that Geodude over there. The camera helpfully pans over to show us that Gonzola was referring to Ryudo. Ah, thanks so much. The rest of the Fab Four mutters about Geodudes, and one of them says, "Never heard of 'im." Huh?

After this moment of dramatic tension, Tidink stands and stares at Ryudo for a good ten seconds before speaking. He's probably using that time to make sure that Ryudo isn't blue-haired and pointy. Finally, he approaches Ryudo and whines, "Please! A monster has stolen my precious medal." There we go with the precious again. He re-explains that the medal is a "memento of [his] mother," but Ryudo is about as interested as Squall would be in a room full of naked women. Mary Sue chimes in that she thinks they should help him, but Ryudo cuts her off snottily, reminding her that they're on an urgent mission. Dumb Mary Sue. Tidink whines some more about losing the medal, then sits down against the wall and sulks.

 
That would be FABULOUS.

Since Mary Sue is kind and sympathetic, she pushes the point some more. Ryudo tells her to shut up and eat the red berries in front of her. And no, I'm not talking about those...berries. Mary Sue, na´ve as she is, doesn't know what they are, so Ryudo explains that they're Kuko Berries. They're similar to the substances that game designers regularly binge upon in that they "make the corners round." He tells her not to eat too many. Of course she doesn't listen, because there has to be something for fanfiction writers to use as a cheap excuse to get the two of them into the sack. As she's chowing on the berries, Ryudo tries to come up with a good plan for getting through the area. He doesn't think they can deal with the monsters because Mary Sue is such a wuss. At that moment, he notices that she's higher than Tetsuya Nomura, but it's too late -- Mary Sue passes out on the bar.

The camera fades out and back in on Ryudo in the hallway, coming out of Mary Sue's room. Oh, God. "I can't believe that girl. She ate enough Kuko Berries to kill the Pope," Ryudo says. It's probably too much to hope that she ate enough to kill herself, so I won't even bother getting excited. Ryudo bitches about Mary Sue some more, calling her "high maintenance," which is true. Ryudo faces the other door on that side of the hallway, and Skye asks Ryudo if he's going out alone. Ryudo responds that he's got Skye with him, so he's not really alone. This likely makes Skye aroused. Let's not think about that, though. Their conversation makes it sound like that particular door leads outside. But once Ryudo steps through it, he's in his room. Wait, so how the hell did Skye figure that Ryudo was going out? You know, I should just not ask these questions anymore.

Wait, how would Skye know that?!
 

Now that Ryudo and Skye are all alone in the room, Skye asks Ryudo why he's continuing to work this fine evening, and if it's because of Tidink. "The circus brat? Hardly. We won't get anywhere unless we cut through those monsters first," Ryudo responds. He also says that he works best alone, which could be interpreted in a number of ways. In any of those interpretations it would make sense that Ryudo would work better without Mary Sue around. Unfortunately, Ryudo's plans are interrupted by some porno-esque evil music. Gee, I wonder who's about to show up? Someone says, "Found you," and stupid Ryudo doesn't know who the hell it is. Duh, it's Millenia. Ryudo recognizes her, of course, which makes Millenia feel all warm and fuzzy. She asks if he remembers her promise. Fortunately, this isn't the stupid childhood sweetheart kind of promise, as you'll recall. But it's along those same lines -- Millenia wants Ryudo's hot man meat. She vows that he won't get away this time. Wait, didn't she leave the last time? Anyway, she makes a sweeping motion with her arm, and suddenly Ryudo is surrounded by a dark lightning cloud thingy. "I...can't move..." Ryudo grunts, just in case we didn't understand what the cloud thingy was doing to him. Wait, that sounds wrong. Skye demands to know what's going on because he wants in on the action. Millenia puts the same cloud curse on Skye, flattening him against the wall. I sure don't like where this is going. Millenia advances on Ryudo, who sits on the bed. Wait, I thought he couldn't move. God damn it, game designers. Just as Millenia is about to take Ryudo's log to the beaver, there's a knock on the door. It's Risotto, and he's there to tell Ryudo that Tidink ran off. Well, isn't that convenient?

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