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"Join me next time as we venture forth to free King Bohunk from the greasy clutches of Fat Bastard and his new man bitches. Don't drop the soap, your Majesty."
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Grandia II : Part 1
By Jeanne
Posted 11.25.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
There's something sort of off about that sentence.

Ryudo and Skye take some time to explore the town before embarking on their soul-sucking employment "opportunity". To our "surprise", we find out that no one likes Geodudes. And what do Geodudes even do, you ask? They slay monsters. Yes, they are hated for getting rid of bad guys. Damn you, you filthy Geodudes!

No, that would be Seymour.

Some little kid asks, "Aren't [Geodudes] known for being savage? You don't bathe, and you drink the blood of the monsters you slaughter, right?" "Close," Ryudo replies. "We bathe IN the blood of our kill." Assuming he's being sarcastic and trying to scare little kids, I love him all the more. Some old lady, aka Random!Exposition!Lady tells us some information about the world. The most important piece of info is that there was long ago a battle between good (Granas, the Lord of Light (how original)) and evil (Valmar, the Devil of Darkness (how original, part 2)). Granas won and then slept. That's a riveting tale. Supposedly the world still sucks, though, and no one knows why. Wherever did they get that plot twist?

Denial -- not just a river in Egypt.

The old lady also tells Ryudo's fortune, saying that he has woman trouble and a great love in his future. Skye is skeptical. Does he know something about Ryudo that we don't? That could be the reason for woman trouble. Ryudo seconds the skepticism. He says he'll never be involved with anyone. Oh, if only that were true.

Wait! People hate Geodudes?

There's one old guy in town who gives us a politically correct lesson on how people shouldn't hate Geodudes. Because, you know, everyone does. Hate Geodudes, that is. I thought I would mention that in case you hadn't quite picked up on that fact yet. Anyway, the old guy kisses Ryudo's ass so much, I thought I was watching the hidden Squally/Seifer scene from Final Fantasy VIII. Ryudo and Skye are both taken aback by this intense praise. They're used to being hated, because everyone hates Geodudes. Skye is especially speechless, because I'm sure the discrimination he experiences is also due to his homosexuality. Bigots.

I realize that his outfit isn't the most masculine, but still.

Another little kid is crying for Mary Sue. He says she's so nice and cool and helps him when the other kids beat him up. Ryudo is extremely helpful. "You get beat up a lot, huh? [cough]wuss[cough]. So, the other Sisters don't care?" At this point, I want Ryudo and Tidus to meet. The ensuing conversation would make me cry with joy.


It turns out that everything in the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Bad harvests abound. Well, I guess "abound" isn't a good word to use when talking about bad harvests, but whatever. There are a lot of them. It's almost as if some evil is afoot in the world and someone is going to have to defeat it. But no, that couldn't be.

Finally, Ryudo makes his way to the church. As he approaches the door, he hears a beautiful hymn. Could it be....Mary Sue? It would be so funny if it wasn't, but it is. Ryudo is affected by the hymn in spite of himself. Gag. He and Skye go into the church. There's Mary Sue wearing her bloomers and ball headscarf, singing in a voice that sounds like she's in her twenties rather than her teens. Suddenly she stops and says something self-deprecating. Ryudo makes a snide remark. "Who said that?" Mary Sue gasps. Ryudo stands up from one of the pews and says, "Don't mind me. Continue." Oh, yuck. He wants her already. He gives further credence to Skye's earlier doubt of Ryudo's ability with women by suddenly morphing into gay voice teacher mode. Mary Sue demands to know what he's doing there because this is a relationship that starts out in annoyance and blooms into understanding and love. Gag again. "Whoah now! What am I doing here? You're the one who hired me," Ryudo tells her.

It's time for our first misunderstanding. "I do not remember anything of the sort!" Mary Sue informs him haughtily. Man, she's annoying. "You look awfully suspicious with those earmuffs and that gay bird! Leave right now, or I'll scream!" she threatens. Ryudo just laughs at her, the best reaction under the circumstances.

At that moment, the priest, Father Carius, enters and sets everything straight. Well, as straight as things can be with Skye present. Ryudo's all, "You're such a snotty bitch" and Mary Sue is all, "You're so rude, you big meanie Geodude," and Father Carius apologizes for her behavior. Well, at least someone does. Mary Sue tries to make all nice and then goes off to get ready.

Now that Father Carius has Ryudo alone, Ryudo says, "Excuses and women are equally tiring." Hey! Wait a minute! Well, I did make that man joke before, so... Anyway, is Ryudo making the disparaging remark about women because he's trying to let Father Carius know where his preferences lie? If so, he's barking up the wrong tree -- we met Father Carius' wife earlier. Yes, his wife. But wait! He says to Ryudo, "This is not the place. May I ask you to wait at the inn? I shall be along shortly." Holy adultery, Batman!

What do you think, big boy?

At the inn, Ryudo is barely in the common room when Carius shows up. I guess he couldn't wait. "I believe there is a [Geodude] waiting for me," he says to the innkeeper, trying to make it seem like it's all business. Ryudo wants to know what's up. Let me rephrase that -- Ryudo wants to know what's going on. Oh, I guess it really is all business. For now, anyway. "There is a tower outside of town - Garmia Tower. We will hold a ceremony there tonight, under the light of the full moon. I want you to take one of our Sisters there. And once the ceremony is over, I want you to bring her back here," Carius explains. Well, that sounds easy enough. And I wonder why they're even bothering with the element of surprise. Of course we know that Ryudo will be escorting Mary Sue. Duh.

Ryudo thinks the job is beneath him. "Then I suggest you start praying your sister over to your tower," he says when Carius tries to sway him with the power of prayer. Only a bag of gold convinces Ryudo to take on the task, and he tells Father Carius such. Carius tells Ryudo to go to the church to meet the Sister he will be protecting. I wonder who it could be? Wait, I already told you.

Returning to the church, Ryudo finds both Mary Sue and Carius waiting for him. Shock! Ryudo is about as surprised as the rest of us, and about as pleased. Mary Sue isn't pleased either. She wants to go alone. This pisses Ryudo off because he wants to keep his money, damn it. We find out, again, that Mary Sue's role in the ceremony is so important that the ceremony would fail without her, hence the need for a bodyguard. Okay, we get it. After some more pointless arguing about the same crap, Ryudo and Mary Sue set out for Garmia Tower.

Garmia Tower is located within the creatively-named Black Forest. Imagine a game where the first "dungeon" is a forest. I know, you can only think of about a hundred. And *gasp* -- there's no overworld map. Whatever will the fanboys do? That's it; I have to stop playing.

Depends on where you're kissing them.

Mary Sue follows Ryudo around, but does diddly squat in battle. Not like she could, but at least it would give me another party member. Ryudo gives Mary Sue a lesson on reflexes. Not a reflex lesson as would actually be found in a Mary Sue story, complete with touching and sexual tension, but instead Ryudo trying to make Mary Sue look like an ass. And succeeding. Although Ryudo does end up getting attacked by some birds that aren't Skye.

After the battle, Mary Sue is actually nice and concerned about "Mister Ryudo". He says he's fine and tells her, "Drop the 'mister' stuff. I'm not your teacher, your baby sitter, or your damn butcher. Just 'Ryudo.'" How touching. One battle later, they reach Garmia Tower. Something is off about the tower, as we can tell by the evil music that plays when we are shown a view of it. At the base of the tower, all of the Sisters are assembled, waiting for Mary Sue. So I guess it's safe for them to stand around outside or something.

Me too.

Don't be shocked or anything, but the majority of the sisters don't like Geodudes. They are creeped out by Ryudo, even though he's just standing there and not doing anything creepy as far as I can tell. It's not like he's humping everything in sight or leering at small children, unlike some video game characters I could name. The Sisters warn him to stay out of the tower during the ceremony no matter what. Hm, I wonder if something is going to go wrong and end up with Ryudo going into the tower. Nah.

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