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"The other bidders do nothing but grouse at Twink for daring to put more money up for that shitty prize than they could, so Twink doesn't particularly feel like sticking around. Unfortunately, that obsessive-compulsive bitch controlling him knows there are more prizes to be gained from the auction house. Before Twink knows what he's doing he's waving his Wind Wanker to the tune of the Song of Passing, to fast-forward to a new evening of spending money. Poor Twink--I'm so mean to him."
     -Sam, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 11

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Chrono Cross : Part 1
By Jeanne
Posted 02.13.02
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
Rabid Chrono Trigger fans waited years for the release of the sequel. That would be Chrono Cross, in case you didn't know. Did the improved capabilities of the Playstation and the extra years of planning produce an end result as charming as the original game? Well, I couldn't really tell you. I didn't understand the story at all. But that doesn't mean I can't make fun of it.

The opening FMV, which you can watch if you don't press any buttons and just wait, is a spastic montage of scenes that appear in the game. In other words, the designers were just lazy and reused the movies. I feel used. But the music is cool, and the text that appears at the beginning probably has some sort of significance. Then again, maybe not. I'll type it here anyway:

"What was the start of all this?
When did the cogs of fate begin to turn?
Perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now,
From deep within the flow of time...
But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...
Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies..."

And thus ends the bad teenage poetry. For some reason, I expect the next line to be "And oh, how they danced, the little children of Stonehenge."

The blue-haired guy in the opening movie turns out to be the main character, to the shock and surprise of no one. I get to name him. He's supposed to be this game's Crono, and I want to name him "Cron-a-be", but those cheap bastards only gave me six letters. Thus, I choose the default name, Serge, but will refer to him for the rest of the recap as "Cronabe". HA HA, TAKE THAT, DASTARDLY GAME DESIGNERS!!! ::ahem::

The game opens with a scrumptrilescent FMV of a weird fortress that looks kind of like a Jenga game with some dragons stuck on the side. The camera does all these fancy angles because, you know, it's CG and they can do things that are more difficult to do in real life movies and we're supposed to be impressed.

Speedo Power!

Cut to inside the fortress. An elevator opens, and three people step out. One of them is our hero, Cronabe. Another is a young blond woman in a horribly skimpy outfit. We saw her in the beginning, so she must be an Important Character. The third person is a disturbing looking little guy with a Mohawk and a speedo. He has a big unit. I'm not trying to look or anything, but he runs with his unit all thrust out in front of him. It's really gross. His name is Korcha, but I shall call him Speedo.

The girl, whose name is Kid, tells Cronabe and Korcha to get moving. I have no idea what's happening here. This makes even less sense than the opening scene of FF7. I guess once they take out all that crappy expositional dialogue, all that's left is utter confusion.

Kid goes off on a monologue to someone named "Lynx", who has apparently gotten on Kid's bad side. Cronabe and Speedo just wait for her to finish yapping, and then I get to control the game.

My analog controller is being a major butthole. It randomly just stops working, which makes it a little tough to play the game. Now is one such time. I have to press the "analog" button again, and it's all good.

Cronabe and friends go into the room to the left (my left, that is). There's a big crystal switch thingy in there. Unfortunately, Cronabe is up above on a little balcony and can't get to it. Kid says "Bugger." I laugh.

Going the other way, Cronabe ends up in a big room with all sorts of pathways. There's a glowing circle thing in the middle of the room. I won't bore you with all the details, but I finally follow various pathways in and out of the room and end up at the crystal switch described above. I actually have to fight stuff, too. Even though I have no idea what I'm fighting for.

Turning off the switch activates the glowing circle thing in the other room. Did I mention that I have no idea where I am?

Cronabe, Kid, and Speedo are transported up to another platform that leads to a set of doors. After some pointless dialogue that establishes that Kid likes to say "Bugger" and Cronabe doesn't say anything at all, the group approaches the doors. Then, in a moment unlike anything previously encountered in an RPG, Cronabe starts hallucinating. He hallucinates in FMVs.

We see someone holding a bloody knife, and Kid lying facedown on the floor. Closeup on Cronabe. He smiles.

The screen goes to black and I'm still confused.

Then Chrono Cross rips off Chrono Trigger some more by doing the same "Wake up!" scene from the beginning. Only as I recall, Chrono Trigger didn't have this big nonsensical opening sequence with a guy wearing a speedo. That's beside the point.

Apparently the whole opening was a dream. I've never dreamed about a scary guy in a speedo, but last night I did have a swimming-related dream. I was staying at my in-laws' house with Squall and Rinoa and I was going to go sit in the hot tub with Squall. But Rinoa got all pissy at me and she used her sorceress powers to start this big rainstorm because she didn't want me hanging around her boyfriend when I was wearing my swimsuit. Which was completely ironic and funny because Squall is gay. But I got completely off topic here.

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