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  -Part 1 :: [02.13.02]
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"Incidentally, when Twink opened the treasure chest, he tripped a magical switch that prevents the mountain from expelling any more lava. Not that it matters because Twink will not be returning, but I guess that's sort of a relief. I kind of feel sorry for the poor Fire Phallus, though."
     -Jeanne, Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker Part 8

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Chrono Cross : Part 7
By Jeanne
Posted 01.23.05
Pg. 1 : 2 : 3
In our last electrifying Chrono Cross adventure, Cronabe saved a bunch of ass pirates from certain undeath at the hands of a ghost ship. This...really had nothing to do with the "plot" at all. In fact, it kind of blew. Speaking of which, Cronabe returned to Guldove to visit Steve, who must have gotten healed by Jesus or something. And I mean the actual Jesus, not the scarecrow named Jesus. My point is that it was miraculous.

As for the main plotline, Cronabe is still trying to get to Fort Dragonia. This entails him traveling through Mount Pyre, an icy mountain. I'm just kidding, obviously it's full of lava. Only the Water Dragon's magical Ice Breath can prevent me from irritatingly losing HP while tracking through said lava.

Unfortunately, Cronabe has heard that Water Dragon Isle -- home of the Water Dragon for those of you with Tidus-esque levels of intelligence -- is all dried up and shitty. Since he's not the type of guy who automatically believes all the crap people unload on him, he needs to check it out himself. To Water Dragon Isle!

Entering the interior area of the island reveals a sad, sad sight. All the expositioners were correct -- nary a drop of water is to be found. The ground is drier than a non-lubed butthole (yes, I'm fulfilling this recap's woefully lacking buttsex quota), with dust blowing everywhere just to drive this point home. Rocky pillars and stone terraces are scattered about as well. A random guy near the entrance informs us that the fairies that live on Water Dragon Isle insist that "the legendary 'Dragon God' really exists..." Well, obviously, because I'm supposed to find him. The game designers wouldn't give me an impossible task, would they? More importantly, we now know where Squall, Link, and 90% of the male Suikoden cast hang out.

Another random NPC tells Cronabe that the island was full of water a few days ago. So it not only completely drained of water but it went bone dry as well? The NPC writes this off as an "astonishing" act of nature, but it's actually lazy and overly-convenient storytelling. "The unusual weather," my ass. The entrance to the island's cave system is blocked by a sheet of ice created by the Water Dragon. In spite of the fact that this speaks to the existence of said dragon, there's no way to penetrate it. Not like that. So it looks like Cronabe will, after all, have to use Steve's Asshole Amulet to travel to his Home World and visit the Water Dragon Isle there. Shit.

Before he leaves, he talks to a guy near the blocked entrance. "I found this thing at the dried up waterfall. It's kinda creepy, so I'll give it to you for free!" the guy graciously says. Gosh, thanks, asshole. Instead of something like a dried up fish corpse or a picture of Tidus, this dude is carrying around a God damn human ribcage. There's nothing creepy at all about receiving a human ribcage from a total stranger. I'm going to shudder a bit now.

Obviously this latest skeleton part belongs to Skelly, who pipes up to give us some more info about his former life. And you know how much I love these conversations. I'll be over here shuddering some more. "Yeah, I had a pretty good physique," Skelly lies, like your average insecure fanboy on the internet. This causes him to remember that he did acrobatics. "Hey...!? That's right! I used to be a clown in the circus!" he einsteins. Jesus Christ, I think he just burned out my eyeballs with that blinding flash of the obvious. Why else would you be wearing a clown suit and make-up, you undead freak? Wait, don't answer that. Some fetishes are best left unsaid.

Cronabe leaves the island, returning to the place where all the shit went down way back in Part 1. That's Opassa Beach, for you slow folks out there. When Cronabe, Glenn, and Biotch arrive at the coral-encrusted beach, Glenn comments, "Where angels lose their way...The place where the flow of time splits in two..." I think this refers back to Diarrhea's little speech about the Land of Genesis, and is a fancy way of saying "Use the amulet here, dipshit." Honestly, all the dialogue in this game sounds like it was run through the Pretentionator. "So what's the plan now, [Cronabe]?" Biotch squeaks stupidly. Cronabe, being mute, can't tell her that the plan is to knock her and Glenn's heads together until they stop talking. Instead, he walks around until a green glowy column appears. Glenn morons, "What is that...? Is it reacting to something?" He's obviously noticing his penis erecting for the first time. "So this is the wormhole? The dimensional wormhole that connects 2 worlds?" Biotch contributes to the dumbassitude index of the scene. You know, I can understand to a certain extent if these characters don't feel like paying attention to what's going on. It's easier to stay sane that way. That would be one explanation for why they ask retarded questions whenever Cronabe does anything. However, Occam's Razor. They're just morons.

When Cronabe selects Steve's amulet from the item screen, the secondary characters immediately disappear so that the game designers don't have to worry about programming in endless combinations of characters in the ensuing FMV. This is similar to what happened before, and it still seems kind of silly and random. No! Not in this game! After our obligatory FMV of Cronabe sinking into another dimension with swirly glowy green stuff around him, the other characters blink back into existence. "It felt like my body split in two. A very strange feeling..." Glenn comments. Oh, poor Glenn, he's a gay virgin.

'Unfortunately, a young man named Twink stole all of it a long time ago.'

Biotch expresses disbelief that they're actually in a different world. Cronabe knows how to cure her of that doubt. Space-time continuum be damned, he's going to take her to meet her doppelganger. But first, he's going to go back to Another World and buy some new elements and armor in Termina. Gosh, that stupid Cronabe, forgetting important errands like that! Also, I'm running this errand now so I don't get stuck on a difficult boss because I'm underpowered and underarmored and end up stuck in the area and have to record all my footage over again. That totally did not happen. I am 1337!


Returning to his home village for real, Cronabe strangely does not bother to catch up with the locals. The jerk. He does talk to Biotch's brother, Una, the young club-toting, ponytailed caveman. The little asstard congratulates Cronabe for ditching his sister, chauvinistically gloating, "I guess that kinda shows her who's boss, eh?" Now, I'm not a giant Biotch fan, obviously, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to side with some little fuck who's into wifebeating. If you don't believe me, check this out: "Don't tell her I said so, but my sister's a bit uptight, you know? Could you, like, break her in a little? You know, make her act a little more ladylike?" Mind you, this is all said with his sister -- or her exact double, rather -- standing right there. Oh wait, I forgot that I'm supposed to be all about the oppression of women with the way I rag on so many female characters and not any male characters at all. Sorry for destroying my anti-feminist cred there. Uh, go make me a pie, bitches!

Don't wanna know.

No one has any reaction whatsoever to this little shitnugget because this is Chrono Cross. Instead, they ditch the ponytailed freak and head on over to the pier. Strangely, Home!Biotch is no longer babysitting, having eschewed her lazy, golddigging lifestyle to go out and get a job. I'm just kidding, of course -- the spoiled bint is still there, watching over the worthless island kids. I'm sure she has a snotty wankst-o-rama all saved up for Cronabe, since he heartlessly abandoned her when he got sucked into that interdimensional wormhole, but her whining dies on her lips as she spots her double. She's all, "What the fucking fuck?"

This kid needs to become someone's prison bitch, STAT.

Another!Biotch giggles, "Hah-hah... Surprised? Well, there's something real deep behind all this." And by "something deep," she obviously means "some sort of sick, twisted twincest fantasy on the part of the game designers dressed up in pretentious philosophical wankery." Another!Biotch foists the explanation off on Cronabe for when he returns to his bleak, thankless existence as Home!Biotch's walking wallet after the game is over.

Apparently, reports of a tear in the space-time continuum were greatly exaggerated in Back to the Future, as this meeting ends without any incident whatsoever. It probably helps that neither Biotch has enough of a brain to comprehend the ramifications of meeting one's other self.

Now that Biotch's mind is well and truly not blown, Cronabe turns his attention to the "plot." Namely, that they need a ride to Water Dragon Isle, since their boat doesn't cross over the dimensions with them. Conveniently, there happens to be a boat just a few feet away. Score! Cronabe "talks" to the old guy sleeping on the end of the pier, apparently the owner of the boat. The old dude translates Cronabe's telepathic brainwaves into a request to take them to Water Dragon Isle. It sure beats sailing Speedo and Meedo's dysfunctional family boat all over creation. Unfortunately, the codger forces Cronabe to pay him 100G for this exceptionally easy transport. Cronabe shoves it up the guy's ass, or he would if he had any interesting character traits whatsoever.

The boat ride passes quickly for me, but I can only imagine the old-guy-story hell Cronabe and the others must endure. I'm actually surprised the game designers didn't subject me to that, considering how much padding they seem to enjoy throwing into the mess that is Chrono Cross. When they finally arrive, we get our first glimpse of Home!Water Dragon Isle. It is identical in layout to Another!Water Dragon Isle except that -- and I don't think I even need to tell you this -- it's full of water. The rock columns are now small islands dotting the lake, while the terraces have been transformed into ponds with waterfalls. It's all very pretty and serene. However, according to the old guy, there is no evidence of "the fairies that usually dance around the pond." Oh, I'm sure they're all just inside napping. Right? Right? The old guy brushes off this anomaly, telling Cronabe that they should go talk to the completely safe and unharmed fairies to find out more about this fascinating place. Meanwhile, he'll be fishing. But where can he find a good fishing spot?

If Tingle shows up, I'm shutting off this game.

Cronabe, like most RPG heroes (except for that asscandle Tightass), can't swim. The only way to cross the vast watery expanse is to ride the various lilypads, each of which travels in a set line between islands. Along the way, they admire all the pretty waterfalls. Because, in case you are having a bit of trouble following along, this is the Water Dragon Isle. A save point just outside the entrance to the next section baffles Cronabe. Why should he have to save? This is a peaceful island with no monsters in sight. Surely, those healthy and living fairies wouldn't harm him!

But oh no! Upon entering the next screen, a horrific sight awaits Cronabe and his pals! A group of large-nosed potatoes wearing helmets (like the guy that gave me the French Tickler) have invaded the island, leaving brightly colored piles of pixels in their wake. These pixels, we find out, are the remains of the kind fairies, who have been violated and maimed by this evil race of potato people.

According to various walkthroughs I consulted, the potato people -- Chrono Cross's version of dwarves -- were driven out of their home in the Hydra Marshes when Cronabe defeated the Hydra in order to save Steve. Only...well, that didn't really happen in my game because I chose to let Steve rot, for all the good that did me. So there's really no reason at all for the stupid dwarves to be here. Silly game designers. Oh well, maybe the dwarves will enlighten me as to their motives. I can wait.

From his perch outside the entrance to the caves, the Dwarf Chieftain threatens the humans if they dare to intrude. "This land is the new home of the dwarves... Humans are not welcome here. Begone with yourselves!!" he snots with excess punctuation to emphasize his anger. Cronabe needs that Ice Breath, like, yesterday, so he's not about to be pushed around by some little armored spud.

Luckily for Cronabe, the dwarves on this screen kind of wobble around slowly, making them easy to avoid. He follows that smartmouthed Dwarf Chieftain jerk into the caves, preparing to teach him a thing or two about respecting one's game superiors. The Chieftain waits inside, just past where a waterfall flows over the path. He throws another fit over Cronabe's presence, apparently unaware that he is just a stupid short guy and Cronabe is over five feet of blue-haired RPG stud.

Cronabe and his gang whip the asses of the six dwarves who foolishly confront them. The dwarves all carry shovels as weapons because, breaking with tradition, these dwarves apparently mine stuff out of the earth. The shovel, while a mouth-smashingly good weapon on any given episode of Cops, becomes less effective when wielded by walking potatoes. This is an important life lesson.

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