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  -Part 1 :: [10.29.04]
  -Part 2 :: [01.29.05]
  -Part 3 :: [03.22.05]
  -Part 4 :: [09.21.06]
  -Part 5 :: [06.04.12]

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"'This structure was originally a shrine for some long-lost ancient religion,' one Jedi explains, so I understand later why there's a chapel in the middle of the armed enemy base. Hey, at least there is a reason. But now the shrine is abandoned, and all the people who prayed there have long since gone to Hell, where they're serenaded daily by Toby Keith and Avril Lavigne."
     -Sam, Xenosaga Part 5

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Part 1


"The M-M-M-M-MAGIC!!! of Ritalin."
In the introductory hour we meet Twiggy, the easily depressed and near terminally clueless heroine of the first half of the game. So she doesn't perish due to her natural female inferiority, the game sends a couple of strapping men her way. Unfortunately for Twiggy, they're not much help, between their raging ADD and their raging lust for each other. Oh, what's a Mary Sue to do? More »

Part 2


"Help us, Twiggy-Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope!"
Twiggy, Winona, and Edgar waste a lot of time in South Figayro. Then they meet up with Guile and waste a lot of time at the Rebel Hideout. Then they meet up with The Sunflowardly Lion and waste a lot of time sailing around on a tiny raft. Then they meet up with Urktros and waste a lot of time fighting him. Got a lot of time on your hands? Then meet up with me for Part 2 and we'll waste it together! More »

Part 3


"Kefka's poison magic Koolaid!"
For whatever reason, when given the choice among a short quest with Twiggy and Edgar, a short quest with Winona, and a butt-ass long quest with Guile, I thought the Guile one sounded like a wholesome fun time. And, well, nothing says "fun" like homicidal clowns, asshole ninjas, gay Shakespearean bodyguards and ghost trains. Right? Right? More »

Part 4


"Down, Down, Left."
Guile hits a roadblock in his quest to swim in every major body of water in the world when he washes ashore on the Veldt and winds up spends several months training a wild boy and mailing letters for a man with no name. Then Twiggy does some stuff, but it?s not very interesting. Blow me over with a feather, already. More »

Part 5


"Ladies be treasonous!"
After briefly catching up with Winona and his new "love interest" (ha ha, good one, game designers), the traitorous General Celes, the whole gang reunites to protect Narshe and the MacGuffin Esper from Kefka. It?s an action-packed, thrilling battle, as long as you consider inexpertly navigating rock formations to headbutt sprites "thrilling." I?m sure you do. Finally, Twiggy turns into an Esper, which mostly involves becoming pink and sparkly. Kyan is totally jealous. More »

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