Videogame Recaps
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  -FFX2 Main
  -Part 1 :: [06.09.04]
  -Part 2 :: [07.04.04]
  -Part 3 :: [11.01.04]
  -Part 4 :: [12.11.04]
  -Part 5 :: [12.26.04]
  -Part 6 :: [04.24.05]
  -Part 7 :: [06.13.05]
  -Part 8 :: [07.17.05]
  -Part 9 :: [02.17.13]

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"I'm getting the distinct feeling that Square's in-house composers were on a major David Lee Roth-era Van Halen kick when they got this assignment. And when Nobuo Uematsu walked in and told them to listen to 'real music,' they were all, 'No way, old man! Eddie's guitar rocks my soul! You're just not with it!' And then Uematsu walked away, muttering about kids these days and their rock music and their crack-cocaine."
     -Sam, Final Fantasy X-2 Part 1

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Part 1


"Oh Yuna, you sang and our ears started bleeding..."
Through the cinematic wonder of Yuna's thighs and the usual overdose of tutorials, the guiding premise of the game--cute girls swapping magickal wardrobes--is established, only to be blasted to tiny pieces five minutes later because that's how long the game designers can keep their stories straight. We meet some new characters, become reacquainted with some old ones, and I become very reacquainted with my liquor cabinet. More »

Part 2


"Return of the Blitzbong."
Yuna makes her much-awaited return to her hometown, so we can check in with our "favorite" characters from Final Fantasy X. Apart from the Pregnancy of Nightmares, not much has changed with Wakka and Lulu. Seriously. After taking care of business in Besaid, we return to the scene of the travesty from Part 1. And then it gets worse. Please pray for my sanity. More »

Part 3


"We're on the Hell!"
The girls head out of Luca for the thrill and excitement of the open road. They're on their way to a meeting with the oft-mentioned Youth League, and the leader of the Youth League, Nooj. I'm sure it'll be worth all the random battles, hair pulling, and screaming I did along the way and not some huge chunk of game filler salted with exposition, but you'll just have to take my word for it. More »

Part 4


"Spira: Unemployed and lovin' it!"
Yuna continues on her annoying quest for self-discovery, and on the way to Zanarkand she, Rikku and Paine show us more "changes" to Spira and its populace. The biggest change would be that since Sin is gone and there's no constant cycle of rebuilding their destroyed homes, nearly everyone in Spira is a welfare layabout. Come back, Sin. For the good of Spira's economy. More »

Part 5


"Old friends and new wankers."
We spend the recap finishing up the rest of the godforsaken filler and finally find a tiny bit of plot. Yuna retraces her pilgrimage all the way to Zanarkand, where things aren't as depressing as Yuna would like it. There are also whiny pedos, cracked-out instrumentalists, weaselly merchants, pissy Ronso, pretty young men and women, and insane ex-summoners. Yay for Spira! More »

Part 6


"The most awesome AWESOM-O sphere!"
The Gullwings have landed in lush, sunny Kilika Port hot on the trail of the AWESOM-O sphere. Will they get to it in time? Will the sphere be all that and a bag of shoopuf chips? Or will it be a huge, wanky letdown that will leave your recapper screaming in pain? Find out! More »

Part 7


"Gauntlet of Pain"
If only I were just referring to the Gunner's Gauntlet with that title. Oh no, it is so much more. Join our sphere hunting heroines as they completely put off any sphere hunting in the name of Yuna's Honor, famewhoring and helping buxom ten year olds wrangle chocobos. Yeah, it's all as fun as it sounds. More »

Part 8


"Put down the new Harry Potter book and read my freaking recap."
The Dullwings continue their Chapter 2 quest to obtain Lesbianc Syndicate uniforms. And in this installment, they actually get one! I know! Too bad the other 99% of the recap is taken up with a Youth League HQ visit, another Tobli mission, and mucho fanboy pandering. Beggars can't be choosers, I guess. More »

Part 9


"Because I'm in lesbians with you."
One of the prominent themes in Final Fantasy X-2 is, "Themes are for boring nerds--let's show some hot girls pawing at each other." And that mantra resonates throughout the end of the game's second chapter. Hot spring frolicking. Motorboating. Erotic massage. "The heel." So put on some Indigo Girls and get in the mood for young cousin love. More »

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