Videogame Recaps
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  -Suiko3 Main
  -Part 1 :: [01.07.03]
  -Part 2 :: [02.15.03]
  -Part 3 :: [06.08.03]
  -Part 4 :: [10.04.03]
  -Part 5 :: [08.13.04]
  -Part 6 :: [09.26.04]
  -Part 7 :: [08.19.05]
  -Part 8 :: [08.19.05]
  -Part 9 :: [06.04.09]
  -Part 10 :: [07.01.12]
  -Part 11 :: [02.17.13]
  -Part 12 :: [10.26.13]
  -Part 13 :: [08.06.14]

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"Outside this particular house, we encounter our first trap! I know you've all been salivating at the thought of Ruley, Sandy and Clay caught in a nice big bear trap. Or is that just me?"
     -Ben, Breath of Fire IV Part 4

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Part 1


"Death to Furries!"
The first hour gives us introductions to our trinity of heroes--sort of--and establishes that there's trouble a-brewin' in the Grasslands. Could it be up to young Hugo and his merry band of idiots to save his people and become a hero? I haven't exactly decided yet. Also, many furries present themselves for slaughter. Hee! More »

Part 2


"Kids are retarded."
We continue our misadventures with Hugo, Sergeant What-Kind-of-Animal-Is-He? and Wank-tastic Lulu. As if I didn't have enough annoying behavior to contend with, we'll meet three new grating party members. Hugo should be thankful that he's too stupid to realize how annoying all his companions are. More »

Part 3


"Ding-dong, the wanker's dead!"
Hugo, Duckman and Lulu all get their chance to further bitch about the Zexens, before having to flee Vinay del Sexay as fugitives because--you'll never guess--they did something to piss off the Zexens. What are the odds? Also, Karaya Village burns down and Lulu dies. Not like that's a big event. *tries to hide look of sheer joy* More »

Part 4


"Chris needs pepper spray."
The second of our wannabe heroes is Chris Lightfellow, who actually doesn?t wanna be a hero. Since she?s the Silver Maiden and savior of Zexen, she only spends about a third of her time doing hero stuff--the rest is reserved for beating off her fervent admirers with a pointy stick. And thanks to her heroism in burning down a village and killing a wanker, war is imminent. ...Go Chris! More »

Part 5


"Straight people. Straight people EVERYWHERE."
Our third and final Flaming Hero, Geddy, is not all that flaming. In fact, he's totally straight. As are all his very good male friends. Geddy's 12th Unit travels to a place called the Great Hollow, where the crew gets friendly with some large-tailed Lizard Men. No, there's nothing gay going on here. Really! More »

Part 6


"On dickheads, guys thinking with their dicks, and things that look like dicks."
Geddy and his 12th Unit pals make lots of new friends at the nearly-abandoned castle they just happen to visit--which certainly won't be the eventual army headquarters--and they make lots of new money by fighting random bosses. But once back in familiar Caleria, things just go downhill, as Geddy meets Suikoden III's Satan Incarnate and loses all that money in a stupid card game. As if things could get any more annoying, now they have to go find some stupid True Rune, and Queen gets in a catfight with a chick with huge knockers. More »

Part 7


Yes, this recap features characters named Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee, takes place in a land of magic and fantasy, and even has some steamy, subtext-filled scenes between hot male characters. But it is there where any similarities to Lord of the Rings end. Because Lord of the Rings...well, it's not five hours of people whining about how much their lives suck. Or maybe it is. More »

Part 8


"K-Y wishes and rainbow dreams on Lifestyles of the Gay and Fabulous!"
Another recap with nothing but recruiting. Oh boy oh boy, you can hardly wait. Frodo assembles quite a motley crew to man the shops at Buttfuck--everybody from angst-ridden ninjas to loony ventriloquists to gay guys with sassy parrots wants a piece of the Buttfuck action. If that isn?t enough to hook you, there?s even an elevator ride! Whoo! More »

Part 9


"The Adventures of Hugo II: The Duckening"
This is a heavily thematic chapter of the story--and by that, I mean nothing actually happens, so I get to expand on themes like "Hugo is a dolt" and "Lilly is a bitch" and "Duckman has feathers and quacks." Our heroes do actually manage to meet some bad guys and fight for their lives against a diabolical wizard dressed all in black, and all they can do is argue among themselves about whether the bad guys are really evil. I need to go watch a Michael Bay movie just to make sure my heart is still beating. More »

Part 10


"Chris Lightfellow stars in The Bold, the Beautiful, and the Gay"
Did you perhaps get the impression in Lady Chris's first chapter that her loyal, dare I say over-the-top affectionate, knights were perhaps more interested in each other? Well, their adventures and soap opera-level dramatic outbursts in chapter two should dispel any remaining doubt. If you think, by the end of this recap, that Borus and Percival are not screwing at every possible opportunity, I don't know what could ever convince you. More »

Part 11


Geddy and his fellow, oh-so-heterosexual mercenaries in the 12th Unit take sweet, moronic Aila on a whirlwind tour of The Cold Truth of Harmonia?, from the mercenary post of Caleria to the oppressed bug fetishist village of Le Buque. While they?re at it, they chip away at the inscrutable mystery of the Mask. Who is he? What is he planning? What rune would he use to summon an earth golem? More »

Part 12


"Buttfuck! Buttfuck!! Buttfuck!!!"
Much to my dismay, instead of recapping anything interesting, we return to the tranquil squalor of Buttfuck Castle to check in on Frodo Baggins and his whiny pals. In this chapter, Buttfuck's future and Frodo's daddy issues get tangled up into an unseemly little ball. Only an embarrassing number of nighttime choad chats, a redhead strategist falling out of the sky, and some literal strawmen can save the castle now! More »

Part 13


"To Wan Fu, Thanks for Everything, Hugo and Fubar."
Your takeaway from this recap probably should be that Hugo--through hardship, emotional growth, and bravery--matures into a hero worthy of an audience with the Flame Champion. Your takeaway will actually be that I have lost my goddamn mind and am now the Internet's foremost Hugo/Sarge shipper. Their love is so feathery! More »

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