Cloud Strife Nickname(s): Bitch Age: 21 Description: The main character. As the bad, bad exposition tells us, he was once in SOLDIER, but is now helping out AVALANCHE, whatever the hell that means. He's an uncaring badass, which means he'll end up doing a complete personality 180 by the end of the game. First appearance:   Part 1

Barret Wallace Nickname(s): Mr. T Age: ? Description: The leader of AVALANCHE who looks like Mr. T. Apparently the Japanese are just as bad at racial stereotypes as Americans are. Barret is a granola hippie trying to save the planet, and is understandably annoyed at Bitch for the first part of the game. Amen, brother. First appearance:   Part 1

Biggs Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: A member of AVALANCHE. He provides a lot of the crappy exposition at the beginning of the game, and has an unhealthy obsession over whether or not Cloud cares about the planet. First appearance:   Part 1

Jessie Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: Another member of AVALANCHE. She seems to like Cloud, in the same way as most of the other women in the game. How original. First appearance:   Part 1

Wedge Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: He's the funny fat one of the AVALANCHE group. Like Cartman, his ass is on fire at one point. Oh, and he likes Bitch a lot, too. First appearance:   Part 1

Tifa Lockheart Nickname(s): Tita Age: 20 Description: The clingy childhood friend of Cloud. The game designers were so thrilled with finally working in 3D that they went haywire and gave her giant polygon breasts. She is oblivious to Cloud's lack of interest in her, but she wouldn't be an RPG heroine otherwise. First appearance:   Part 1

Marlene Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: Barret's daughter. Her entire purpose is to show that Barret's not a bad guy -- because he likes children, see? Not in a Seymour way. First appearance:   Part 1

President Shinra Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: He's the evil, evil president of the Planet-lifeblood-sucking Shinra corporation. At this point in the game, he is the main bad guy. I'm not saying anything else. First appearance:   Part 2

Aeris Gainsborough Nickname(s): Flower Girl, Airhead Age: 22 Description: The dippy flower girl of Midgar. Whenever she is in the scene, the translation magically becomes worse, and we are transported to a whole new level of nonsense. Maybe this is the secret special power of her mysterious materia. First appearance:   Part 2

Reno Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: One of the Turks. He specializes in badly translated dialogue and possibly comic relief. His weapon is an umbrella and he casts easily-dispelled forcefields around people in battle. I know I'm scared. First appearance:   Part 2