Mila Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: The rich girl of Windfall Island. She was one of the three girls captured by Ganondorf's incompetent minions. It is quite a shock that she was ever born, since that would entail her extremely gay dad having sex with a woman. First appearance:   Part 2

Maggie Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: The poor girl of Windfall Island. Gosh, it sure would be a shock if she and Mila suddenly traded fortunes! Also, she has a very disturbing subplot in the game. Furries would approve. First appearance:   Part 2

Ganondorf Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: Okay, the guy's name switches between Ganon and Ganondorf, but as far as I'm concerned, when he's the guy, he's Ganondorf. He's the same Ganondorf from Ocarina of Time, only a lot fatter. He could basically crush Twink with one belly-flop. Oh crap, why did I have to give myself that mental image? First appearance:   Part 2

King of Red Lions Nickname(s): Sean Connery Age: ? Description: A talking boat that conveniently saves Twink from certain watery death. He sounds exactly like Sean Connery, and if he doesn't draw a picture of Alex Trebek having sex with a horse before this game is over, I will be very disappointed. First appearance:   Part 2

Potova and Joanna Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: Two little girls from Windfall Island who enjoy spreading stupid rumors. That's all they do. Seriously. And someone bothered thinking this up and programming it. First appearance:   Part 2

Dampa Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: Another pig-obsessed guy, this time a sailor. What is it about pigs in this game? First appearance:   Part 2

Cannon Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: Windfall Island's bomb shop owner. He's a gigantic dickhead and feels the need to put down other people in order to make himself seem cooler. Dude, you sell bombs. First appearance:   Part 2

Maggie's Father Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: A creepy pov and -- obviously -- the father of Maggie. He enlists Twink's help to find his daughter, but Twink has a distinct lack of sympathy after finding out the guy's just after money. First appearance:   Part 2

Candy Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: A big, burly sailor with an unfortunate name. He looks to be in his 30's or so, but is supposedly 17. Yup, just like the actors on 90210. First appearance:   Part 2

Kane Nickname(s): none Age: ? Description: A sailor with a pageboy haircut and skintight lime green shirt. His dream is to be an artist or sculptor. Why am I not surprised? First appearance:   Part 2