![\"Me](\"http:\/\/videogamerecaps.com\/beta\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/Fable2-2-11.jpg\")
<\/a>Me and my best buddy outside our new "home". I guess it’s a step up…<\/p><\/div>\n
Theresa told me that the day had finally come for me to set out on my quest of vengeance.\u00a0 She also advised me to check out the chest in front of my caravan, into which she’d deposited a few items that “might prove useful”. These so-called “useful items” turned out to be a rusty sword and crossbow, a placebo health potion (no, really, it actually had “placebo” written on it!!) and a spade.\u00a0 Thanks, Theresa!\u00a0 I may not be able to cut off Lucien’s head with the rusty sword, but I can probably infect him with tetanus instead!<\/p>\n
The final gift Theresa had for me was a mysterious emblem she called the Guild Seal.\u00a0 She said all the Heroes used to carry them, like that’s of any use to me.\u00a0 Maybe they’re the heroic equivalent of a member’s card?\u00a0 She also said something about being able to speak to me through it.\u00a0 Oh hell no,<\/em> I felt like telling her.\u00a0 Sure, I don’t mind you getting in touch to tell me how to solve a difficult puzzle or to tip me off about a hidden item somewhere, but I seriously DO NOT want your ancient voice chiming in to nag me about something when I’m at a critical moment with some hot young adventurer I met on the road.<\/em> Still, it could be worse — I could have an annoying fairy flying around my head and pointing out the blindingly-obvious, for instance.\u00a0 How irritating would that be?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Not taking the hint that I would very much like her to stop talking now, Theresa pointed out a decrepit old tomb on a small island in the middle of Bower Lake.\u00a0 Apparently, my true powers would be unlocked there, or something.\u00a0 I wasn’t really paying attention.\u00a0 I was told to seek out the “Chamber of Fate” before she finally left me alone and went off to do…well, whatever it is she does whenever she’s not handing out tiresome lectures to prospective Heroes.\u00a0 Before setting out for the tomb, I decided to rest in my caravan awhile – all that talk from Old Mother Hubbard had rendered me virtually comatose anyway.<\/p>\n En route to my caravan, I discovered something peculiar — I’d somehow gained the ability to “read” the people I interacted with.\u00a0 Almost like pressing a button, I could instantly see a person’s name, occupation, sexual preference, personality traits, favourite places, and so on.\u00a0 But that’s not all.\u00a0 I could also determine how likeable, funny, and attractive they found me.\u00a0 This was one thing I was thankful to that old hag for — this way, I could weed out the wankers I came across on my journey straight from the get-go instead of wasting my time trying to impress complete asshats.\u00a0 Being a hero has its benefits after all!\u00a0 I scoped out the talent in the camp, but the only gay gypsy I could find had a not-at-all-fabulous porno ‘tache and looked like a carnival worker, so I headed back to my bed.\u00a0 Alone, I hasten to add.<\/p>\n A beautiful sunset over Bower Lake.<\/p><\/div>\n Refreshed and brimming with energy, I was almost ready to head for the tomb.\u00a0 Well, I decided to do a little exploring of Bower Lake and its surrounding lush scenery first.\u00a0 Oh, diary, we had an amazing time, Fucker and I.\u00a0 He even sniffed out several buried treasures for me, including a blueberry pie and a condom!\u00a0 As the sun went down over the lake, I finally made my way across the water to the tiny island the tomb stood upon.\u00a0 There was a strange lock in the door, which my newly-acquired Guild Seal fitted perfectly into.\u00a0 How convenient!<\/p>\n The tomb was much,\u00a0much<\/em> bigger on the inside than it was on the outside, and absolutely crawling with huge, flying beetles.\u00a0 Luckily, I was able to smash them to pieces with a huge hammer I found lying around, avoiding an embarrassing death on my first real adventure.\u00a0 Phew!\u00a0 Aside from this, my trek through the labyrinthine caves beneath the tomb was quite uneventful — until I reached the Chamber of Fate, that is.<\/p>\n Not even giving me a chance to take in my surroundings, Theresa’s voice came through on the shiny walkie-talkie she’d given me, informing me I stood in all that remained of the once-great Heroes’ Guild.\u00a0 Apparently, about five hundred years ago the Heroes got all big-headed about their powers, and so the little people (ordinary human beings, diary, not dwarves) revolted and burned down the Guild.\u00a0 Um, go people power, I guess?\u00a0 I’m supposedly one of the handful of Heroes that are still around, and by stepping into a pillar of light in this room, I could harness my true power.\u00a0 Well, I could, <\/em>if Theresa would stop yapping for two minutes.\u00a0 She just kept on talking, telling me all about my forebear, whoever the hell he was.\u00a0 I sure as hell never knew him, so how important could he really be to me?\u00a0 Diary, it was so\u00a0boring.<\/em> I just wanted to go kill something, preferably Lucien.\u00a0 And by the time she’d finished her monologue, I was\u00a0this close<\/em> to adding Theresa to my “People I’m going to shoot through stained-glass windows once I get my castle” list, too.<\/p>\n Eventually I was able to step into the light, and immediately felt an immense strength course through my veins.\u00a0 Theresa told me this was because my blood was awakening, which was the exact opposite to what my brain was doing every time she spoke to me.\u00a0 She then instructed me to choose a few abilities to learn (apparently this happens psychically, and not, like, through a menu or something equally ridiculous).\u00a0 I chose the following skills:<\/p>\n Blades: <\/strong> This magic spell “creates magical swords to impale [my] enemies”, and I’m all about magical phallic weapons.<\/p>\n Block:<\/strong> Defending against physical attacks is a no-brainer.\u00a0 Hey, those flying beetles can pack a real sting!<\/p>\n Roll:<\/strong> I need to be able to get away from my enemies (and women) quickly.<\/p>\n Well, it was quite fortunate that I’d chosen to learn a magic (sorry, I mean Will) ability, since the exit required magic to activate it.\u00a0 Without further ado, I aimed a well-charged magical penis at the switch and stepped out into the moonlight and fresh air.\u00a0 Yes, I’d been in that Goddamn tomb for quite some time.\u00a0 Not that I could rest yet — Theresa called me up once-a-fucking-gain and advised me to head to Bowerstone.\u00a0 For obvious reasons, that shithole was pretty much the last place in Albion I wanted to visit, but since the Queen of Ethereal Monologues had decreed it I had little choice.<\/p>\n Upon reaching the entrance to the city, however, I hit a literal roadblock.\u00a0 The guard told me that nobody was being allowed into the city due to the nefarious deeds of the bandit lord, Thag.\u00a0 Well, I’d never heard of this guy, so he can’t have been\u00a0that<\/em> important, but Theresa wisely (!) pointed out that I could only get into Bowerstone by taking him out.\u00a0 Resigned to my new mission, I started off in the direction of his camp.\u00a0 But wait!\u00a0 I saw a gypsy approaching, with a little white heart above his head, no less.\u00a0 Yes, it was the gay gypsy from earlier, and it seemed he’d taken quite a shine to me, given that he’d followed me all the way here from our camp.\u00a0 Maybe he’d heard about my huge magical penises?<\/p>\n Diary, you wouldn’t believe the nerve of this guy.\u00a0 Having never spoken a word to me in my life until now, “Kieran the Gypsy” walked up to me and demanded we “take a little trip together”!\u00a0 How preposterous. A hero doesn’t romance just anyone, you know!\u00a0 I told him this much (through the medium of slapping), which he didn’t take kindly to.\u00a0 Unfortunately for him, a group of flying beetles attacked at that very moment and plowed through him on their way to me, so I guess I’ll never know what he was about to say.\u00a0 I’m sure I’ll get over it, though.<\/p>\n Gypsy admirer no longer an issue, I headed for Thag’s camp.\u00a0 God, it looked a mess.\u00a0 And the\u00a0stink<\/em> of the place!\u00a0 As soon as the foul stench pervaded my nostrils, I knew Theresa had been right in ordering me to take out these guys.\u00a0 I mean, I know a bandit camp isn’t going to have en-suite showers and spa facilities, but the place is right next to the freaking lake — these people have no excuse to be so unclean.\u00a0 Oh, and they, like, attack people and stuff too, and that’s also wrong.\u00a0 Death to the bandit scum!<\/p>\n Able to divert my mind from the awful aroma for a moment, I noticed the place was suspiciously deserted.\u00a0 Right on cue, Theresa’s reverb-addled voice made an unwelcome contribution, warning me “It may be a trap. Keep your wits about you”.\u00a0 Oh my God, I never would have expected a trap.\u00a0 Thanks again, Theresa!\u00a0 Before long, I came across several cages housing kidnapped gypsies, and a large cabin a short distance away.\u00a0 A bunch of bandits made an ambush, but I made swift work of them with my huge hammer and pointy phalluses of doom.<\/p>\n Seeing his men desecrated, Thag himself emerged from his cabin and kicked poor Fucker right in the snout!\u00a0 Well, diary, it was game\u00a0on<\/em> — nobody hurts my dog and lives to tell the tale.\u00a0 Taking out the big guy with a well-aimed blade to the face, I retrieved the key to the cages and set the captive gypsies free.\u00a0 Fortunately, neither of them got up in my grill demanding I take them on a date, instead choosing to run away as fast as their legs could carry them.\u00a0 Oh, and I also got Thag’s head as a trophy.\u00a0 Nice.\u00a0 I simply can’t\u00a0wait<\/em> to hang it in my caravan, perhaps on the statement wall.\u00a0 It’ll accentuate the contrasting colours perfectly!<\/p>\n Don’t you mean an epic fail?<\/p><\/div>\n Alas, interior design would have to wait — with the road to Bowerstone opening again, I had no excuse for not hauling ass over there.\u00a0 As soon as I stepped through the gates, I was accosted by yet another annoying moron.\u00a0 This one, a bard named Roland, creamed his corn at the sight of “the Hero of Bower Lake”, so I guessed I was getting a reputation already.\u00a0 He told me he was in the process of composing a song about me, and it’s probably for the best that I don’t repeat it, lest I besmirch your innocent pages with its pungent shittiness.\u00a0 It got worse — Roland decided that walking around Bowerstone with me would inspire him to write yet more odes to my heroic prowess.\u00a0 No!!!<\/p>\n As I explored the large market district (which is considerably nicer than the old town slum Rose and I grew up in), the wandering tard followed me like a lost puppy, regaling me with his terribad ditties all the way.\u00a0 I eventually shook him off in front of the Cow & Corset, Bowerstone’s only pub (something tells me I’ll be spending a\u00a0lot<\/em> of time in there).\u00a0 No sooner had I lost one annoying wanker, than Theresa called me up on the ol’ Dial-a-Hero.\u00a0 I guess she realized she’d left me alone for more than ten minutes, and we can’t have that, can we?!<\/p>\n “I have bad news: I’m afraid I will be delayed for a while,” she told me.\u00a0 Bad news?\u00a0 I was positively euphoric upon hearing this!\u00a0 She suggested I earn some money to upgrade my equipment in the meantime, and it just so happened that there was a vacancy at the smithy.\u00a0 Well, I never fancied myself as a blacksmith, but I needed to make some gold somehow.<\/em><\/p>\n The most homoerotic blacksmith I’ve ever seen.<\/p><\/div>\n And what a career choice it turned out to be, diary.\u00a0“Tom the Blacksmith” was the very definition of “man”.\u00a0 Granted, he had a porno ‘tache, not unlike Kieran the Gypsy Stalker’s, but he also had ripped abs and a large…hammer, so I could overlook the ill-advised facial hair.\u00a0 Unfortunately, he wasn’t on my wavelength, so to speak, but at least I had something nice to look at while I pounded my anvil.<\/p>\n A few short minutes later, I was a 3-star blacksmith and had a sizeable chunk of gold for my efforts.\u00a0 This work business is easy!\u00a0 By now, Theresa had finally bothered to show up, and telepathically told me to meet her in front of the clock tower.\u00a0 Well, the bitch had kept me waiting this long, so now it was her turn to stand around and pick her ass — I had some shopping to do.\u00a0 No, not weapons — a haircut and a change of clothes.\u00a0 What?\u00a0 I couldn’t wear those peasant rags forever, and my current hairstyle was distinctly unremarkable.\u00a0 Flowing locks and a new outfit would help enhance my heroic aura!<\/p>\n Despite being the capital of Albion, Bowerstone had a pitiful selection of clothes, but I did manage to find a few bargains.\u00a0 Now my only problem was deciding which new look suited me best:<\/p>\n The refined young gentleman…<\/p>\n<\/a><\/a><\/a><\/a><\/p>\n